A Sexy Alex, stage 2: DMSI Journal (now 3.3.2!)

[apollolux]

Still alive.

I am having an extremely difficult time right now and expect it to get worse before it gets better. I would love to ask for help, but there is currently no one physically near me who I trust enough to have my back during the difficult time I am currently dealing with. It is really difficult right now for me to find people I can trust as genuine friends without worrying that they're only around me, "tolerate" me being in their lives, to use me.

Been done with the last antidepressant meds since beginning of June, and while I seem to have regained most of the emotional range that was stunted because of the past 4+ years of meds most of the emotion currently is anger and dread.

Still no sex, and that seems to be the source of the current slew of problems I am dealing with.

[apollolux]

I am now choosing to stop listening to DMSI for the foreseeable future. Unless there is a new update to the program I don't plan to resume listening anytime soon. The stated design goal of DMSI has not been achieved so far in the 3+ years of listening exclusively to it.

My chief goal in listening to self-improvement attraction subs from IML has always been to reduce or eliminate the belief that money is a primary factor in what about me attracts or would attract beautiful, sexually attractive women to me sexually, and not only is that belief NOT reduced it seems to be strengthened, emphasized, solidified over time, and I am unhappy and disappointed about that. In the over three years of listening solely to DMSI women have entered or returned to my life who have only wanted to use me for their own selfish personal gains with no benefit to me, stringing me along with false promises and claiming to love me without any actions from them to back up that sentiment. I fully admit I am the one who made the decisions that eventually turned out badly to allow them into my life with the expectation that they back up their words with their actions, assuming either naively, ignorantly, stubbornly, foolishly, or some combination of those, that they were acting in good faith, I could allow myself to take their words at face value, and that if I said for them to "prove it" after they said something I thought particularly suspicious that they would willingly do so, willingly "prove it." In all cases these expectations, while I thought reasonable, were not satisfied, I felt used and in some cases betrayed, and mostly out of anger and distrust cast them out of my life for better or worse.

From September of 2015 all the way until January of this year, 2020, tapering off the last few refills until the beginning of June, I took prescription antidepressants originally under the assumption that I was at "my last resort" regarding the limited amount of mental and emotional strength, willpower, etc I thought or felt I had available to me at the time to "brute force my way" through a severe depression I had originally associated with the beliefs "pretty girls don't find me sexually attractive" and the related "pretty girls only want me around to use me" and "pretty girls only want to use me without giving me the benefits and rewards I thought or assumed I deserved." At the core of this negative association was likely low self-esteem even though I genuinely thought that over the years prior I was putting in genuine effort to be a "good" guy rather than a "nice" guy, to be "better," to be "badass," to be "worthy" and "worth having," ultimately to be a real and genuine "hero" for whatever that concept is worth, almost certainly because I was under the assumption, however correct or incorrect, that these efforts would lead to "increasing my value" and "being or becoming a true alpha male" with my pick of beautiful, sexually attractive women who would therefore be attracted to me, feeling I put in the effort therefore I deserve the rewards. "The hero gets the girl" is, to my knowledge, the only "Disney relationship concept" that I still genuinely believe to be true, an idea promoted throughout literal millennia across recorded human existence transcending political and religious boundaries, and I feel a good summary of what encompasses the desirable characteristics of a genuinely attractive, sexually desirable alpha male. What I had always cited as "the final straw" that led me to actually consider medication was a woman I was physically attracted to and I had believed at the time was a genuinely caring good friend calling me a hateful person and my eventual post-shock reaction to that and eventual feelings of inadequacy and betrayal.

At the time of this writing, Aug 7, 2020, it has been two months since I officially stopped taking the prescription antidepressants and most if not all of the emotional range that was stunted because of them has returned, for better or worse. The overwhelming majority of the emotion I have felt while taking these meds, and in particular the emotion I have felt the most and the most strongly since stopping them, has been and continues to be anger, with frustration being a very close second. The primary source of this anger and frustration is the belief that whatever I do to improve, to be better, to be "badass," to be desirable, to be sexually attractive is "not good enough" to satisfy the women I want, that even when I genuinely was, am, and/or will be "the hero" I still don't "get the girl." I had, very mistakenly it turns out, also believed that the efforts I was putting forth to being better, to being "the hero," were still in a good direction, if not explicitly the "most right" direction, to being "good enough" for these women who up until this point were not telling me or showing me that this direction was incorrect, even claiming they "love" me and as I mentioned previously willing to "prove it" when I doubted their sincerity. I knew objectively the meds were masking the real problems, limiting the emotional range I had available to command lopsidedly, narrowing positive more extremely than negative was narrowed. What I genuinely didn't know was what the problems actually were and how to overcome them, solve them, resolve them, and I did not realize until recently that stopping the meds did not make the problems go away nor did it make accurately and properly identifying them easier.

For a very long time I had genuinely believed that not only was I active in my self-improvement efforts, but also that these efforts were actually working positively. I was under the false impression that "no negative feedback" from other people, especially women I desired sexually, only meant "stay the course, I'm headed in the right direction." Instead, what it looks like to me is that my situation didn't get better and in fact has gotten worse over time due to how "one step forwards, two steps back" everything turned out, and I think it's partly because I didn't get better. Medications may have stunted my emotional range but it seems they also blinded me to what the real problems may have been, misdirecting my attention. Before starting the antidepressants I had weighed 185 lbs and was finally starting to show a six-pack; on them I ballooned up to 260 lbs as recently as September 2019. Stopping them in 2020 resulted in an immediate decline in weight, 245 lbs in February 2020 when the endocrinologist first diagnosed me with insulin resistance, and after taking metformin and switching to a basically ketogenic diet I broke the 200 lbs mark last week, July 31, and as of this morning August 7 weigh in at 196 lbs, even after gradually reintroducing carbs starting a couple of weeks ago. I almost have the previous faint six-pack outlines peeking again, but other than being just as hairy as I've always been knowing that excess body hair is one of the few legitimate attraction dealbreakers it's crystal clear to me now that my physical appearance is not among the problems contributing to what I consider my personal inability or failure to sexually attract the women I desire. While I was indeed taking antidepressant meds during this time period and it's more obvious and apparent the effects those had on me mentally, I was also listening to DMSI as my sub of choice from late 2016 until now, and I would argue that DMSI also contributed to shifting my attention as to what the problems I truly faced may be.

I like to believe I'm a reasonably intelligent, formally educated man, however gullible, ignorant, or susceptible I may sometimes be to certain people or ways of behavior or social interaction. I know that motivational audio, especially subliminal motivational audio, is a tool, a program, a set of instructions to be fed to the processor that is the human brain in fairly consistent repetition to instill anew or reinforce an existing thought, idea, concept, even belief. I had originally sought out motivational audio in the hopes that I could reliably provide myself the positive affirmation, motivation, and reinforcement, as well as ultimately reliable direction on how to be a better person, a better man, that I felt I was lacking from other personally influential people in my life like my single mother while growing up. I truly believe Shannon genuinely wants DMSI to succeed, accomplish its stated design goals towards developing maximum sexual irresistibility within the user reliably and consistently and in an unquestionably acceptable success rate. For me, however, I feel DMSI as it currently exists has completely missed the mark, possibly even aimed in the complete opposite direction.

I'm positive I left out a lot of information about what actually happened and why I've ultimately allowed those events and the people involved to influence my emotions and decisions, for better or worse. I am genuinely not sure how useful recounting or not recounting would end up being though, and I am currently disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be indecisive about this. I will be taking a short break from listening to subs, likely just a week as I feel I don't want to "waste time that could be better spent listening," then I will decide on a new sub to listen to that would better promote identifying more clearly what is more sure to be a successful path to attain my attraction and sexual goals and reliably executing the actions necessary to achieve those goals. Extremely likely that sub will be AM6, as I apparently don't have Sex Magnet, and while I have MYPSL I am not confident at the moment that its instructions as they are currently would result in me as I am right now attracting someone who isn't with me to use me and manipulate me and ultimately deny me or otherwise leave me unfulfilled and unsatisfied sexually.

[tolgaocal80]

hey man, I read your post, and as I understand what DMSI do. is making people who uses it get "maximum sexually attractriveness". This is major goal of DMSI, of course I don't know the full content but the major goal is this. And if DMSI attracted women girls into your life, then it did its job but,,
I think
you are attracting women but when they came, your beliefs and obviously your mental state are not allowing you to make a relationship or acting as a alpha male.

Attracting women does not guarantee that women will fall in love with you, will fuck with you, will respect you, will not trick you, etc etc. This is why I am planning to use for a long time AM-WM-SM-OFfor "education". I dont want to attract women right now, because I know this will be useless because "I believe" I am not ready to deal with 9's "now." I atractted a lot of girls but every time I did something wrong, it was really me not just a belief.
This is not an advice, if I would you, I use AM, EPRHA series or better OF, before rellying on DMSI or other attracting subs.
I read a lot of frustration in here. I believe women should not be a major goal for a man, 2. or better 3. or not even a goal. A lot of true-Alphas, Sigmas, self-made men states this and it makes sense to me

[NOMAD]

@apollolux

There's a lot of pain that comes through in that last post. It seems to me that the issue is much deeper than being sexually attractive or getting the girl. By your wording, it appears that you're already aware of that.

I ran DMSI from the time it was named DAOSI up through v3.1 (with a few others mixed intermittently). At some point, it occurred to me that I (and quite a few others) might be running the wrong subs. It's easy to be tempted by the glitz of DMSI promises. Who doesn't want to feel like a rock star? But what if the bulk of that outward desire stems from a deeper sense of unworthiness? What if it stems from a perceived rejection from childhood? What if it stems from an instance where you cried when you stubbed your toe, a friend teased you, and now you feel the need to be manly by having your pick of women? Is it possible that being sexually attractive is a symptom of a deeper desire or trauma? Is it possible that once that desire or trauma is dealt with that the glitz of DMSI fades? I don't know, but it's worth considering.

As far as DMSI's goal...well, it's experimental. Having run it fairly extensively (although not as extensively as you), I'm not certain that the design goal can be achieved. It has a nice celeb vibe, which I think could be useful in future success-based subs, and that I've personally benefited from career/$$$-wise. It also helps to increase attraction, which I think could be extremely useful in future Sex Magnet subs. Hopefully @Shannon will give these consideration as potential future options. DMSI hasn't had stellar performance in terms of the design goal for most users, but it's far from useless.

After running LTU5 for over a year, I recognize the benefit of foundational subs. As boring as it was at times, it showed me that I had issues that had never entered my conscious awareness. It showed me the breadth of what the LTU series is attempting to accomplish and it's incredible. LTU6 looks really promising.

If you have hypertension, diabetes, and you're an obese couch potato, it doesn't make sense to go purchase the latest sugar/caffeine laden hottest supplement on the market that promises "steroid-like results". It makes sense to make more nutritional food choices, cut calories, and to adopt a solid (and sustainable) fitness routine. Once that foundation is set, then it can be built on.

[apollolux]

I am definitely no stranger to foundational work, and indeed appreciate the value of such efforts. I also appreciate the value of targeted, focused development when the direction of said focus is reasonably correct; this is mainly why I had decided to buy and use AM6 previously, but also why I used E1, ASC, then the 4G combo of BIABWS+DAOS before listening to AM6 the first time, and also why I bought and listened to DAOSI/DMSI instead of SM3. The key here is if the direction is reasonably correct and/or knowing how correct or incorrect the direction may be, otherwise you're sailing off course, potentially even the completely opposite direction. I had mistakenly believed that lack of negative feedback was in good faith and genuinely an indicator that I had chosen a reasonably correct direction which turned out to not be the case, and part of that was due to that lack of feedback but also my inability to recognize (possibly even inability to accept) that not only was that not a correct direction but that the lack of negative feedback may have obscured the lack of positive feedback. Yes, I have said "lack" here a lot - I am using it as a general "absence of" rather than presume to connect any intent or malice from anyone to it and to acknowledge realistically there are absences of certain things objectively but also perceived absences of certain other things in my mind currently.

With being currently unemployed and having already invested money earlier into particular subliminal motivational programs, I find it difficult to justify plunking down $600 right now for LTU6 when only stage 1 is available for download as of Aug 13 and Shannon is getting ready to take a week-long vacation. I have AM6 and while it's meant to be more foundational than targeted it still had a strictly masculine focus to my recollection and, if I remember correctly, has within its script feedback mechanisms on progress more obvious to the listener than DMSI currently does. It actively attempts to drag you kicking and screaming into becoming a better man, if I'm remembering that one anecdotal description of it correctly. I'll reevaluate after finishing this round of AM6 and see where I'm at financially at least.

Right now the most prominent feeling, emotion, etc is anger and without a proper outlet to channel it I worry that it may build unchecked. While I'm pretty sure the primary sources of this anger are feeling like I don't have control and that my effort is worthless, I know that knowledge in and of itself doesn't solve the problem. I know that I must still take action, even if I feel that action may be useless and worthless.

I had stopped journaling with details a couple of months ago, relegating the formerly detail-rich document to just a calendar to keep track of when to listen to subs. The original rationale I had to detail in the first place was under the assumption that more data is better than less data, but I had not officially taken into account targeted focus. To resolve this I am putting forth effort to make a small sub-focused journal webapp for myself and to once again set a daily reminder for myself to journal with details.

[muze]

@apollolux I apologize that I couldn't read the wall of text, but I had to stop at your statement that your goal from DMSI was to attract women who didn't want you for just your money.  I empathize to an extent, and it's too bad the women that entered your life during this time appeared to be using you.  But why would you set out to limit yourself in any way?  Use every possible advantage at your disposal, and if women find part of your attraction due to wealth, so be it.  Almost all women are attracted to wealth in a man.  It's the way of the world, and it's not going to change.  Yes there are women attracted to non wealthy men, for other reasons.  Other perceived or real advantages these women find value in.  You should make your money an advantage, not a decrement.  Women may well just want you for your money, but considerably less so if they see you as someone who has more to offer. 

Having money should give you freedom of choice and confidence.  Confidence is attractive to women. So is not having a scarcity mindset.  Having money suggests to women that you are capable of being successful, that you are successful, that you're a boss, and this is also desirable. 

If you make it an advantage, the right woman will desire you for your combination of confidence, success, boss mentality, and even being a provider.  The rest, personality, and ability to give the right amount of space so she chases you more (depending on the woman, this varies), is up to you with or without money. This doesn't mean just paying for everything she wants, make your own judgements. But start with your existing advantages.

[apollolux]

Hello @muze  , thanks for dropping by and making an effort to read my longer recent posts on this DMSI thread!

The biggest wall of text was mainly to summarize my thought processes going into listening to DMSI as my full time sub of choice during that period, give an extremely summarized account of possibly related events and regimens, and attempt some retrospection on what I could have done better to help make my goals happen, or even if such a thing was in my power at all or able to be understood by me in my mental state.

To clarify, I understand quite well that, under ideal conditions, money or other similar forms of wealth are meant to be indicators of status and complementary to a chosen lifestyle rather than being elevated as equivalent to or greater than status as an attraction factor as it is commonly being treated as now. My lament was that the women in question were only concerned with what my money/I can do for them with no reward for me, proportional to my input or not, and either paid little to no attention to the rest of me or explicitly chose to ignore such.

Rereading my previous post, it occurs to me just now that I never fully explained why I chose money to be the focus of significant chunks of my subliminal audio endeavors. Besides the stuff common to most Westerners, particularly Americans, re mindsets and behaviors related to money, to summarize extremely I grew up in poverty and there are significant chunks of my life, including now, where I haven't had income or the income I did have was so insignificant that taxes, other expenses, and the focus on "keeping the job" actually made it worse than not having a job at all. My desire to have beautiful women doesn't go away when my money does, and over time I had developed "must accept me primarily as a lover rather than provider" as a screening condition in anticipation of times where I had/have no income, for better or worse.