01-16-2014, 10:22 AM
I've Been here before
Instead of going for the best solution something in me feels the need to defend my idea, like my idea is somewhat a representation of myself and if someone rejects it or thinks it’s not that good then somehow that relates to me as a person.
This is some really counterproductive stuff and I can view it clearer now. I have been defensive when people offer suggestions that may benefit me as I have noticed in this journal, then I try to validate myself to avoid negative feelings. So I must have been the same in school rejecting correction as a way of maintaining the little positivity I held in my self-esteem.
Am Smart, I should get Glasses
Trying to be clever, using big words, spitting out information and facts instead of just enjoying a convo. It’s as if I married a nagging wife I have to tolerate the rest of my life.
“CEOs don’t have to be smart they say they just have to hire smart people”, “More people with high IQs work for people with lower ones” the studies show all this and still, All this doesn’t change the fact.
Want cute retarded babies?
Then all the girls come around and my inferiority complex is magnified, “at lease when am rich I’ll be able to compete with other guys, and it will make up for my ______”
I was friends with a girl I loved that liked me for over a year while trying to get a record deal, then I lost our friendship when I was getting close to that goal and lost all momentum and fell into depression. What hot girl would want to have “stupid” babies? How much survival value can a “stupid” guy give?
How can you feel secure when you can’t even trust your own brain to spell your address correctly every time, especially when it’s important and people are watching you, even though you’ve done it 100s of times before?
Passed Blessings, more regrets
I remember this one job I would get, the guy liked me and was going to train me in trading stocks and forex and coach me on business, networking, life in general. Then I would have these dreams of people at this office stood behind me and I would have to write something and I fail on the spellings. I would then fear they judgements of me and that pain is worse in relation to how good it would feel been a big city trader.
I think I need to seek professional help with this shit, it’s the HUGE obstacle to everything good that life as to offer. I swear to god I will punch the next person that tells me happiness comes from within because that’s where all my sadness comes from too.
And having more physical objects than other people truly does make it feel happy (as sad as it sounds) because I don’t feel as worthless and miserable (you could be normal or smart but I have money, balances the scales a bit). And whenever someone makes me feel stupid all I have to say is “Am Rich Bitch, what I need to know _______ for? I pay someone to do that for me”.
Get Rich or Die Trying
“I think everybody should have dyslexia and A.D.D.” Founder of Kinko’s, Mr Orfalea
When you very survival depends on you making a lot of money and been successful so you can get people to do the things you can’t do you self; very little can stop you from achieving that goal. Survival is the strongest force known to man, it’s a life principle.
It’s a Gift and a Curse I guess, Curse first, Gift later.
I will Overcome and achieve my goals , its either that or I die cause you can’t call depression living, anyway it’s an illness and they known to kill.
Instead of going for the best solution something in me feels the need to defend my idea, like my idea is somewhat a representation of myself and if someone rejects it or thinks it’s not that good then somehow that relates to me as a person.
This is some really counterproductive stuff and I can view it clearer now. I have been defensive when people offer suggestions that may benefit me as I have noticed in this journal, then I try to validate myself to avoid negative feelings. So I must have been the same in school rejecting correction as a way of maintaining the little positivity I held in my self-esteem.
Am Smart, I should get Glasses
Trying to be clever, using big words, spitting out information and facts instead of just enjoying a convo. It’s as if I married a nagging wife I have to tolerate the rest of my life.
“CEOs don’t have to be smart they say they just have to hire smart people”, “More people with high IQs work for people with lower ones” the studies show all this and still, All this doesn’t change the fact.
Want cute retarded babies?
Then all the girls come around and my inferiority complex is magnified, “at lease when am rich I’ll be able to compete with other guys, and it will make up for my ______”
I was friends with a girl I loved that liked me for over a year while trying to get a record deal, then I lost our friendship when I was getting close to that goal and lost all momentum and fell into depression. What hot girl would want to have “stupid” babies? How much survival value can a “stupid” guy give?
How can you feel secure when you can’t even trust your own brain to spell your address correctly every time, especially when it’s important and people are watching you, even though you’ve done it 100s of times before?
Passed Blessings, more regrets
I remember this one job I would get, the guy liked me and was going to train me in trading stocks and forex and coach me on business, networking, life in general. Then I would have these dreams of people at this office stood behind me and I would have to write something and I fail on the spellings. I would then fear they judgements of me and that pain is worse in relation to how good it would feel been a big city trader.
I think I need to seek professional help with this shit, it’s the HUGE obstacle to everything good that life as to offer. I swear to god I will punch the next person that tells me happiness comes from within because that’s where all my sadness comes from too.
And having more physical objects than other people truly does make it feel happy (as sad as it sounds) because I don’t feel as worthless and miserable (you could be normal or smart but I have money, balances the scales a bit). And whenever someone makes me feel stupid all I have to say is “Am Rich Bitch, what I need to know _______ for? I pay someone to do that for me”.
Get Rich or Die Trying
“I think everybody should have dyslexia and A.D.D.” Founder of Kinko’s, Mr Orfalea
When you very survival depends on you making a lot of money and been successful so you can get people to do the things you can’t do you self; very little can stop you from achieving that goal. Survival is the strongest force known to man, it’s a life principle.
It’s a Gift and a Curse I guess, Curse first, Gift later.
I will Overcome and achieve my goals , its either that or I die cause you can’t call depression living, anyway it’s an illness and they known to kill.
If you can't manage the little you have now, who will trust you with more, if you can't control yourself long can you rule over others for? Its easier for a king to rule a kingdom than himself and who does want an empire? Being unconquerable lies with yourself!
