EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 15:

So as I was waking up (in that semi-awake hypnogogic state) and my mind was heavily focused on all the missed opportunities I've had in my life sexually. I think maybe E3 might be working through that shit, as well as whatever fear based stuff it's working on.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 16:

I'm feeling pangs of shame every now and again and even pangs of self hatred. I dunno what to do about that though. I know E3 doesn't work in a day, but still... after everything I've been through, everything that's happened, every mistake I've made, every harsh truth about myself I've had to face... how do I change my self image? I'm having a hard time generating self validation.
'

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So in the past couple of hours, I have gone from having feelings of self shame and self hatred to having fantasies about my future self, where I'm confident, secure and emotionally healthy, and while I realize these are fantasies, it hits me that E3 is designed with this feature: "Projection of part of the awareness into the future in which the goals have been safely and successfully achieved, and then pulling the 'now' self to that future through the connection." And I realize this may be what's at play with these fantasies. I have never imagined a version of myself with this kind of self assured confidence and security until E3. I've imagined more dominant versions of myself, but no version of myself I've ever fantasized of becoming has had the qualities my fantasy self now has. There's a subtle sense of... authenticity to it. Hard to explain, but it DEFINITELY is a projected version of myself into the future where the goals of the program have been safely and successfully achieved.

[Benjamin]

Very cool.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 17:

Been thinking about the friendship breakup again. I feel she could have treated me more compassionately and more fairly and I feel I deserved better. I'm very hurt and also upset I was treated so badly. I understand why she did it, but I still deserved better. I wish we were friends again and I wish I were in HER shoes with somebody like my former self treating me the same way, just so I could handle it better and prove there was a better way I could have been treated. A better way I SHOULD have been treated. I'm deeply hurt and upset about it and I wish she could understand MY side of it all and cared. I wish I weren't alone in my feelings about this. I wish she could walk a mile or more in MY shoes and live a life of MY experiences, so she could know how it feels on MY end. And the fact that she doesn't and might not ever deeply upsets me. I'm willing to walk a mile in her shoes. I wish she could experience MY end of things.
Maybe the worst aspect about it is what's unresolved. A sense that maybe I deserved every bit of the incompassionate cruel way I was treated. That maybe these feelings are wrong. I'm willing to experience what I put her through to find out. I just wish she and I were in constant contact so she could see me go through it and handle it better and learn a lesson. I'm SURE there's a better way it could have all been handled than how it was. And I'm deeply , DEEPLY hurt that she doesn't understand my feelings or see things the way I do. I am willing to walk a mile in her shoes. I wish she'd walk a mile in mine.

[Shannon]

The million dollar question: Does it really matter? And the answer is... no. You're hanging on and beating a dead horse to try to learn something you can learn without hanging on or beating a dead horse over. Just learn it and move on.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 18:

Went the whole day without any issues, but now it's late at night, and I'm dealing with some painful memories. It's gonna be a long while before E3 or LTU is finished healing me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 19:

Same old tune, I guess. Painful memories. The cocktail of emotions is indescribable. The sense of shame runs deep. I've been sleeping all day and was sleeping all night before that. And I went to sleep early in the afternoon before that. Now I'm getting yelled at for doing nothing but sleeping. Still, I've been feeling better since I was on E2. I just wish E3 worked even faster. But the truth is, I guess I'm expecting a magic pill, and as powerful as E3 is, it ain't that. I wish I could be doing my healing in peace without getting yelled at. Is that what i'm really doing though? Sleeping all day could be a way of resisting the program for all I know. Or it could be unrelated in any way. I know too little to tell. All's I know is, I'm either asleep or I'm being visited by painful memories. Thank god I'm on E3 or it'd all be even worse. I'd probably be suicidal, like I was about 2 months ago. Still, I feel like I've made all this progress only to take some steps backward and "beat a dead horse" as Shannon put it. Well, self healing ain't easy, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I didn't overcome it all in a week. This takes time. There's really nothing anyone else can do, and if I want to move things along quicker, I should probably meditate and do the healing codes, but I don't, so I shouldn't be surprised it's not moving along faster. Oh well, I'll get to where I want to be eventually. Just dunno how long it'll take.

[Shannon]

You're making progress. Appreciate that and keep going.

Sleeping can be an escape. It can also be a way to deal with exhaustion. Are you feeling exhausted by the process?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You're making progress. Appreciate that and keep going.

Sleeping can be an escape. It can also be a way to deal with exhaustion. Are you feeling exhausted by the process?

No, I'm not feeling exhausted. I think it was one part lazily just relaxing in my bed too much and one part trying to escape painful feelings. 


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Day 20:

There's a lot of guilt and shame (especially shame) underneath the surface. And a lot of disappointment with myself, for lack of a better word. I take a look at a lot of things I said and did in the end of 2015 to the end of 2017, and I cringe. Often, when I remember something cringey about my past, I can't help but say "I hate myself" and then tell myself to stop. I don't like myself very much, but then I don't do a lot to make myself more deserving of my own liking. Maybe that's not a healthy way to look at it, but the truth is, now that the article is finished, I'm not doing anything productive. Though even if I was more productive, I'd still have these problems I think. I feel like there are so many changes I need to make to my life and at the same time, I'm still dealing with the shame of my past. I don't like my life as it is right now or myself as I am right now and I feel pain, shame, disappointment and self loathing when I look at my past. It's the future I look forward to, but it's a distant future and I'm not doing enough to bring that future into fruition. And when I DO start aggressively moving forward, I have to deal with a lot of stress and anxiety. Looks like there's still A LOT of work for E3 to do. I wish I were on LTU5, but since they're telling me I'm not disabled and I have no steady line of work, it's gonna be a while before I can afford it. I just hope E3 will be enough to bring me to that point where I love and respect myself and I've moved on with my life. 

I'm also going back and forth between two ways of dealing with the friendship breakup: Learn the becoming method so I can restart the friendship and try to do things right the next time around? Or learn how to cut the cord between myself and my ex-friend so I can let go? It'll probably be painful if I cut the cord. Anyway, I don't know how to do either right now, so I guess it's a moot point. Still, I wish I had everything figured out. I wish I had everything resolved. Well, I'm only 20 days in. Who knows what I'll be like by day 365? Probably gonna be that long until I can afford LTU5. Anyway, at least I'm making progress on E3. I just gotta be patient I guess. Patient and more proactive.

Like Shannon said: I'm making progress. Just gotta appreciate that and keep going. Best I can do right now anyway.

[Shannon]

E3 isn't an excuse to lay back and do nothing. And remember that "disabled" is a label, and nothing more. One that is often used by people who are quite capable, but who don't want to, to have an excuse not to.

I was labeled "disabled" at one time. I realized that it was only dragging me down. So I rejected "disabled" as a label or an identity, and I got on with making the future what I want it to be. Where there is a will, there is a way.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

E3 isn't an excuse to lay back and do nothing.  And remember that "disabled" is a label, and nothing more.  One that is often used by people who are quite capable, but who don't want to, to have an excuse not to.

I was labeled "disabled" at one time.  I realized that it was only dragging me down.  So I rejected "disabled" as a label or an identity, and I got on with making the future what I want it to be.  Where there is a will, there is a way.

Well, going on disability was an idea how to make some money until I could get steady work, at which point, they'd probably stop paying me, but I'd have steady work. I was particularly hoping to go on disability to get back pay, because then I'd have the money for LTU5. It was supposed to only take a few months, and that was like 2 months ago. But now it looks like they're not going to give me disability pay, which means it'll be longer before I can afford LTU5, which sucks. I otherwise don't care about the label, but I wanted that backpay so I could get LTU5, but it looks like I won't be getting that backpay now. Anyway, I talked to the last guy I wrote for about doing more articles for him, but he suddenly just went silent on me. I just got my admissions letter from USF so as soon as I'm done with my FAFSA application, I'll be in a position to register for classes. So my forward momentum hasn't completely stopped. 

I know E3 isn't an excuse to lay back and do nothing, I just... I feel like no matter what I do, I'll still hate myself. And it's very demotivating. I was facing these issues just a few moments ago and despite being fully awake, I crashed onto my bed. The sleeping seems to be related to the inner issues I'm dealing with. Maybe it's an unconscious attempt at escape.

[Shannon]

Sounds like it is a subconscious attempt to escape.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hey @Shannon You said a few posts back that I'm holding onto and beating a dead horse to learn a lesson I don't need to do either to learn. I never asked but probably should have: what is the lesson, exactly? And how do I learn it without holding onto and beating a dead horse?