Subliminal Talk

Three hours until an application deadline and I'm still filling out forms. Wow, I am really glad that won't be doing that again anytime soon. Some really narrow-minded questions in the application form too.

Anyway, in the space of 36 hours our team grew from 2 co-founders... to 4 of them. A 70-10-10-10 split with yours truly at the helm. Theirs is vested over 4 years with 1 year cliff.

Now I have two full-stack developers (more like 1.5, but the other one's learning rapidly), one mobile app programmer... and myself. I used to think I'm a programmer too, but these guys know their stuff. I'm keeping my mouth shut and acting like the marketing guy as I should be doing anyway.

I'll definitely be helping with the development, though. At least in the beginning.

One other thing:
I'm running stage 4 and for some unknown reason I'm starting to experience numbness again. Last time around it started happening around stage 4 as well. Supplements and workouts are not helping either. I really have to get my shit together from now on and I'm not really sure how to do that without creating imbalance through less listening time.

If this keeps happening through next two stages, this definitely seems like my last run of BASE for the foreseeable future. I'm fairly adept at being all kinds of lazy and still succeeding, but this time other people depend on me and there seems to be a lot more work to do.

I'm meeting my possible future start-up consultant in about four days. Should we reach an agreement, it will make it a lot easier for me to negotiate better terms with investors AND attract more interest in general. For the time being, I'm not putting any effort into it.



This allowed me some more time for introspection, so here goes. Lately I've been noticing how comfortable I seem to be with certain behaviors that previously I had lots of GSF towards.

I'm pitching a startup without having 100% (or even 50%) of the desired qualifications yet I'm pitching ideas, hoping that I'll eventually make it work somehow. Generally, it seems to be working too. Usually I enjoy this type of work, since it makes for a good learning experience. For the first time in my life, however, I'm doing something where I'm deeply uncertain whether I have at least enough critical mass to be able to make it up as I go along.

Additionally, I find myself casually flirting with women, whom I know are taken... and that doesn't seem to phase me at all. I haven't gone further than that, but I don't seem to have any breaks in place that would stop me. Before, I used to have a mild GSF attack if I realized this was the case, which used to stop me dead in my tracks.

So currently I'm going through a phase where I hate women for being a bit easy, investors for being a bit stupid and I also hate myself a little bit for what seems to be a lack of integrity on my part. Intellectually, I somewhat understand that this is part of the learning process. Still, without any current perspective on how the situation might unfold, I can't help but wonder how much of it is a learning experience and how much I'm just being an ass.

So it's almost 7 AM over here and I couldn't fall asleep through the night. I'm now distracting myself a bit.

Basically I have very good idea why that is. I was supposed to meet the academic I wanted as a consultant for my start-up today. I'm going to have to reschedule, at least. The thing is - I don't actually want him, I'm not sure I need him.

I only wanted him as a way to make my project more trustable, as perceived by investors. I got caught up in making it look attractive from the outside and I forgot to take care of my vision first. I wasn't aware of how much that weighed on me until now.

That doesn't mean I won't try to get him anyway. It just means I'll have to consider the matter from ALL sides and be willing to skip on this opportunity, even if that means hurting my startup's initial perceived value. I'm giving myself some time to decide.

A nice night of sleep again. I was having difficulty falling asleep again for about an hour, then I confronted some very deep fear and I released it. I still have no idea what it was specifically, but I definitely know something from my lower chakras got released and suddenly I felt a lot better.

Now for some (introverted) thinking on whether I really need this guy or not.

I decided to schedule another appointment with the academic. Generally, I have little respect for academia, especially the organization this particular professor is part of. However, I realized just because potential investors might judge him (and my startup) based on his credentials doesn't mean I should be doing the same. Instead, I'll just get to know this person and judge them based on my own direct experience.


In other news, I have been noticing something about this dizziness I've been mentioning occasionally. I think I figured out how to prevent it and it seems to be working well.

- intense workout every other day
- brainwave entrainment in the beta range (~18hz) for 15-20min 2-4 times a week
- 100mg of CoQ10 every day

CoQ10 made such a difference that I'm not sure how much the other factors are relevant. Subjectively, though, they seem to contribute to the effect. Anyway, I've gone on and off CoQ10 several times now and every time I've gone off, the dizziness used to return. The cool part is that it takes me 2-4 days after I get back on it until I'm genuinely what feels to be "back to normal".

I switched to stage 5 yesterday.

Just as I remember, stage 5 is much smoother and easier to deal with, at least for me. For the first time though, in all three runs up to now, I'm sad to make that change. I was highly enjoying the challenge that stage 4 (and all others before that) were providing. Now it's smoother, but it also feels a bit numb for me. Alas, there's no way around the instructions, but it tells me there's more growth for me in those earlier stages. Still, I noticed Shannon mentioning that an EPRHA 2.0 run might unearth previous programming, so an E2 run as my next one is still a very real possibility.

In other news, I talked to the academic that I'm grooming for a startup consultant. He was aware that this technology existed, although not fully familiar with it. Definitely interested in my offer though. Since he has a lot of work to do, it will take him 1-2 weeks to give me a final answer. I don't want to jinx it, but it seemed to me that he was just doing his homework. Very cool guy, ISTP... I'm definitely going to enjoy working with him.

Finally, I've been noticing lately that when I flirt with a girl or I just start to enjoy a new female acquaintance's company, I begin to evaluate how would she fit in my goals (and character) in the long term.
For now, this leads mostly to disappointment, as I realize I should have been doing this a long time ago. In time, I might get the hang of it, though.

Self-validation is up by quite a lot recently. I've been consciously working at it, but still I'm surprised by the results.

I'm becoming more and more willing to express myself in all circumstances. It smells to me that my social circles are about to change again. The people I've considered close up to now... will have to show a good deal of maturity if we are to continue keeping in touch. I'm prepared to do so as well, of course, but I've accepted that this isn't always going to be enough. Some of them I'm sure won't pass this test, while others are showing some signs of willingness to adapt.

Generally, I'd prefer to deepen my current friendships instead of finding new ones, but it doesn't seem to be up to me to decide that.

I'm playing the waiting game on all fronts regarding my startup. The one accelerator I applied to still hasn't responded with a decision, and it wouldn't be smart to apply to others until I have received a solid positive response from my likely future consultant.

With so much free time on my hands, it seems that I'm very prone to overthinking... massively. Tried to keep myself busy by studying some astrology... but it backfired spectacularly, throwing me into even more thinking about my relationships and mission in life. Too much information, too little understanding and context to put it into. That will change as I become more familiar with it, but I'm going to take it easy for the time being.

Copywriting work for clients might seem a bit boring, compared to the excitement around the start-up in the last month or so, but I'll try to get my hands full starting tomorrow. At least I'll have something to focus on while I wait.

Delved in a bit more into astrology. Striking a balance between noticing how many factors seem predetermined, while still taking personal responsibility for them seems to be the really powerful attitude in all this. Not actually a balance per se, more of a... chemical reaction that needs all ingredients in order to take place.

And we're off!

I realized I have absolutely no need to wait for investors. The technologies I'm using for the startup are what you might call "the next big thing" in web development.

Consequently, the programmers in our team seem more than eager to get their hands dirty, even before any financing is guaranteed. This is huge, as we can now build a truly decent prototype, without any hacks. We get a head start in the development as well as more bargaining power with investors.

It's actually really easy to accomplish stuff when you care about other people's interests. I'm getting a whole new appreciation of why this win-win mentality is so crucial in business.

By the way, since that incident 1-2 weeks ago where I couldn't sleep at all one night, I balanced out my sleeping cycle more or less. Started going to sleep at 11-12pm instead of 2-3am. For some reason this made me sleep more - 7 hours became my average instead of 5.5-6.

The unexpected benefit from this was that my social skills went to a whole new level. I'm much more alert, much more able to express interest in other people to the point where I can temporarily abandon my own beliefs and prejudices in much greater depth. And it feels great, especially when the other person is worth it.

The reason I know sleep time is a key difference is because I went to sleep in 2.30 yesterday, got up at 8 and today I'm more than a tiny bit grumpier than throughout this last week or so. I'm definitely going to sleep around 11-12 tonight.

So, turns out our team was rejected from the one accelerator we have currently applied to - namely the one, where the ISTJ investor was in charge. What's sad is that he told me that I had to back up my claims in an interview and then we'd have "no problem getting financed" (his words). Yet he rejected our application before even giving me a chance to prove my statements in an interview... and I had plenty of research ready for him. Really makes me want to call off a first date with an ISFJ just out of compassion for myself.

Honestly, I was hoping that some degree of close-mindedness would be useful to balance out my innovative, crazy side, but in his case it turns out he was just something else. Here's to hoping that the ISFJ girl will appreciate what I bring to the table, because otherwise I might just slightly lose it, lol.

Anyway, there are other accelerators around here and in most of them the investors are a lot more intelligent from what I've heard. Hopefully my future consultant will respond positively within a week and then I'll start moving things forward and contact those other investors.

Sounds like this guy had made up his mind about you from the start and wasn't looking to be convinced. Doesn't sound like a true ISTJ to me, and don't worry about him unless he actually has real influence with other investors you approach.

(05-27-2016, 10:12 AM)apollolux Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds like this guy had made up his mind about you from the start and wasn't looking to be convinced. Doesn't sound like a true ISTJ to me, and don't worry about him unless he actually has real influence with other investors you approach.

He's likely an immature ISTJ in my opinion. In retrospect, as you said, I guess he didn't think he could be convinced and that's why he promised me financing so generously. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, apollolux.

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A bit surprising to me, but I'm not worried at all - in more ways than one. This startup thing is not my usual cup of tea. If I wanted to just be successful and make money, there's plenty of other things I would be doing, honestly. If it turns out that investors in general are close-minded, then I'll just do my thing in IM, make a lot of money and then finance this thing myself.

In the past, every time I've made a lot of money I've gotten depressed and bored with my business... and it was always because there was a lack of deeper purpose. If I have to make money in order to finance *this* though, then so be it.

For some reason though, maybe a bit masochistic, but I feel a need to try to do this the "conventional" way first. Even if it's just to convince myself that I have no one to rely on but myself. (and maybe my team, who seem to be great guys, each in their own way)