Day 1/124
Back home. Starting a new countdown of 4 months (so a full C-PTSD run - after give or take two months of foreplay, haha).
Wonky sensations are indicative of healing going on. My mood is pretty good and I feel energized. Good stuff!
I'm also noticing I'm more flirtatious with women I like and enjoy, and that I have the gift of the gab returning (I usually had it come on strong after a little bit of alky action, but I guess it was mostly a matter of OGSFing).
Good tidings ahead, hpefully!
Currently, PTSD Rec Aid is making me a bit off balance in a positive way (I feel a little bit too energized, but in a light way) and damaged areas are being worked on - gradually - which I can tell by way of Wonky Sensations TM (especially the right leg area has made tremendous progress) and wonky/somewhat disturbing dreams, but after I start playing DRS v2 right after, I feel a bit more grounded and balanced.
BTW., what happened before I had to go to the hospital, Wonky Sensations TM wise:
I had like a bunch of "cords" going on through the right side of my head, and these got "torn out", leaving a bit of a hole in my head (no joke), and then, gradually, the hole has been sealing, and the internal damage (which feels like it's on the right side of my brain) is being gradually worked on by way of PTSD Rec Aid.
Funky.
I do feel much better and lighter after, though. It was pretty hardcore, though - I'm now gonna have to use meds, according to the doctors, indefinitely.
I'm back home and listening on my phone (Samsung Galaxy S-something, so pretty high end audio-wise), and now I'm finding myself making spontaneous victory poses yet again.
I do get moments when I feel worse for the wear, but - as per the usual protocl - nappy time usually makes 'em pass swiftly.
Day 2/124
Things are going well.
I've noticed my libido is gradually skyrocketing, I'm also getting regular morning wood. Funky. Gonna get some proper singing practice in today.
I'm experiencing a definite improvement in my relations with women - I now feel more and more comfortable in female presence, whilst being naturally fliratitious towards the ones I find attractive. It's probably a lot of OGSF action having gone on, plus the healing of numerous heartbreaks.
I am also totally not interested in switching programs, despite temptations - like X4A-2600, which, judging by the description and my experiences with the previous version - would *definitely* result in me getting quite a number of little somethings with extremely attractive ladies. But I'd rather be as healthy as possible beforehand. F. in. I would no longer need OED, most probably (I'd probably run the 6G version, though, for optimization and maximization).
I am trying out a little something that's romance-related, but it does not require my energetic input (not a subliminal), though, so I'll see how that works out.
I am also finding it easier to groom myself and try to keep up with keeping my place clean, as well as other quotidian things (beforehand, these would require a conscious effort of will on my part). Still a work in progress, but getting there.
Day 3/124
I woke up with a start, recalling the goshdarned ordeal I went through last September (singing work stuff that ended up with me at the psych ward, lewl). The thing is, though, I now know who my real friends are (and apparently I have quite a number of them), and I know I whom I need to remove from my life and ward off in order to make space for new, awesome connections.
So pretty much anyone who's trying to (re)traumatize me in order to manipulate me using GSF and the like is out! And, unfortunately, that's plenty of people.
So PTRA is progressing and the going is good.
Day 4/124
Wonky SensationsTM are really indicative of progress - it's like the damaged area in my right leg is no longer damaged to a great extent, and the Core Trauma that goes from my perineum to my heart is being worked on in layers/branches, and feels way better. I also occasionally get wonky sensations in my head/hints od headaches. I also feel a light energy going around my feet mostly, and sometimes as if it were originating in my gut, very funky.
Singing practice is going great. I have auditions I intend to apply to and am already working on it.
Had a very nice session with my psychotherapist after over 3 weeks of break. Very interesting stuff to discuss.
I'm feeling more socieable, and kinda miss human contact on a daily basis. I have a group of very trusted friends we're in constant touch through our Secret Discord Server, but it's mostly online communication. They did pull their weight when I was in crisis, though, and it's good to know they have my back (as I do theirs).
Lots of stuff going on regarding PTRAing, if I jorunaled about everything, I'd probably spend hundreds of posts *updating my journal* like the Nameless One in Planescape: Torment.
Feeling very good today, and my numerous hearthbreaks and perversions of love are healing (and aura of love is making a tremendously good job of facillitating healing). I'm feeling a bit of a pulling sensation in the damaged areas of the heart center. Somewhat on the brink of physical pain, but not quite (so probably pain relief kicking in as well).
Good stuff!
Day 5/124
Ooo-kay, a new Wonky Sensation™ joins the fray! I'm excited because for me this indicates tremendous progress.
What I'm getting now, primarily, is a dull ache (on a scale of 1-10, a 3-4 kind of pain, dulled) right underneath my sternum. So this would indicate something painful is being worked on, feels like a healing pain of a sort.
Otherwise, feeling way more clear-headed right now than I did these past several weeks, oy.
The bad news is, I gained weight during my stint at the hospital (I got care packages with sweets in them and I ate them out of boredom, lol), I got back up to 96.5 kgs. But now I'm back to my dieting (gradually getting back to it) and EMS-training regimen, and I'm back down to 96 kgs within 5 days, so not bad. I think I'll be going way down to 85 kgs - as that's when I won't be flabby at all in various spots, I think (so 5 kgs down from my original goal of 90 kgs).
So, to sum up once more, Good Stuff!
Day 6/124
The going is very good. I feel good. I really can't wait to finish this run and do a re-run of OSC, followed by a proper run of DMSI 5.1, as the traumatized areas were the main factors holding me back in execution of 6G.
The painful sensations appear to have passed rather quickly. Now I'm getting this funky put-put-put physical sensation along one of the Trauma Lines™ which I hadn't gotten in a while. I hope it's indicative of healing going on. I also had wonky dreams which would seem to imply that FRM was hard at work there for a spell.
Making some plans with lady friends to meet for social time.
I feel optimistic, but a little bit bored. Singing practice is going great.
Another layer of traumatized unconscious seems to begin being worked on. It feels like there's a bunch of scar tissue that's formed a lump in my being, and now it's beginning to get unraveled and gradually worked on, with a lot of healing and aura of love energy bombardement.
I was a bit tempted to start messing around with programs, maybe switching to OSC or DMSI 5.1 for a little while, but I'm remaining firm in running PTRA for at least this one proper run!
F. in., how such complex trauma can manifest (apart from serious mental health issues, which I've been having unfortunately for the past 3 years): I was going to go to singing practice, but out of a trained habit I found myself automatically re-tracing the steps towards my ex-girlfriend's apartment! And this has happened more than once, she had me trained up nice and docile, hadn't she? I do loathe that woman, heh.
More tomorrow in my daily count. I'm maintaining it mostly in order to track daily progress and not lose count of the days.
Day 7/124
What Shannon wrote about crystallized structres really struck a chord with me - through Wonky Sensation™ I can sometimes feel them appear and attempt to re-structure thesmelves. [EDIT: This would sometimes even entail *breaking* and healing up after. It's why it's safer for me to do this while on meds]
Now I have a newfound determination to do this run properly. I mean, 4 months of focused effort on healing vs. a lifetime of trauma and re-traumatizations? Sign me up if we can do this!
Had a sense OGSF and FRM came into play just about now, but this passed relatively swiftly.
Anyway, continuing.
I just re-read the DRS v2 description to check out the listening times and I totally forgot that 2 loops is not the prescribed amount (which is 55 minutes for 24/7 protection) so I'm back to using it as per the instructions. I don't feel like I need quite so much DRS v2 reiinforcement now, and this will leave more processing time for executing PTRA.
A very interesting internal monologue went on for a while in my head.
I will not be re-setting the run, though.