Had a very interesting - and very important - breakthrough, I think. This Wonky Bit that's around the right side of my perineum, definitely related to sex and sexuality - which the FRM in DMSI 5.1 was working on, hard, last I remember - got clered through, hopefully. I even teared up a little. And now I'm back to healing heartbbreak, apparently.
It started with a sensation of physical pain, then relief, and then a string of associations leading up to emotional release.
Day 8/124
So I had a moment of crisis today when I felt really tired of healing and clearing (I've been on healing programs, first EHPRA v7, then PTRA, for about 4 months now) and the daunting task of "heal one thing, move on right to another" making me feel a touch disheartened.
But afterwards I listened to some musac (Clutch \m/) and felt better. Also got some singing practice in today.
That's what you get with complex trauma, I guess.
Let's keep at it!
Day 9/124
Not much new happening/to report. Slept a lot, feeling physically tired due to my fine piece of man-ass/weight loss regimen.
Could go for more singing/acting gigs.
Feeling pretty well emotionally with some down moments.
Slept a lot and had quite a bit of wonky dreams. Indicative of progress, I think, though they're kinda re-treading the same stuff from December, but in a slightly different manner. I think there's a lot of FRM action going on.
Going to purchase DMSI 5.2 and run that. The plan is: finish this run of PTRA, then 2 months of OSC, then DMSI 5.2 for 3-6 months, and if I'm not satisfied with the results, 5.1 (although I'm running PTRA in part in order *not* to require FRM in future programs).
Day 10/124
Had lots of wonky sensations in my skull/brain. First I had something resembling a resistance/FRM headache on the left side, and then I got a pretty pleasant wonky sensation, like a light, high-vibration "buzzing", bzz bzz bzz. It sometimes wears me down, though, and I have to sit down, lie down or nap it out. But I think it's a sign of progress.
The aura of love is great. I just need to take a couple deep breaths to start filling up with positivity, I love it. I think this could be employed to a greater extent in PTRA v. 2 - targeted to traumatized areas! Like being your own expert energy healer.
Feeling pretty fine altogether. I have a renewed determination to re-start my dieting regimen (already re-started my physical regimen). I really want to become as fine a piece of man-ass before moving on to DMSI 5.x for a proper run - so that's, give or take, 6 months from now. My posture is now pretty much perfect - trouble is, I do have flab around my gut and it makes it protrude a touch, and sexy this ain't, heheh.
Just played my loop of PTRA and am now on DRS v2 and it feels *amazing*. Granted, there's still work to be done, but PTRA is healing (and not just based on wonky sensations - but that too - but also on the train of my thoughts) and DRS v2 is blocking out incoming negativity that would hinder my progress. Awesomeness!
Day 11/124
Feeling pretty good, had a couple of moments here and there, echoes of feelings when Bad Things happened that influenced my life (usually for the worse), but these pass relatively quickly.
Needing nap time every now and again. Wonky Sensations™ appearing every now and again, sometimes new things I hadn't experienced before.
Noticing that I'm a bit into comfort food right now which does not bode too well for my dietary plans. Gonna try again come Sunday! My physical regimen is going very well though, and I'm having ups-and-downs on how attractive I feel (currently pretty high).
Singing practice is going really well. I could use more singing jobs because I'm bored. Preparing for auditions, but that's, like, an hour's worth of practice per day, tops.
Day 12/124
Excellent tidings today. An auxillary trauma got healed through, and now layer 1. of core trauma is back to healing right up (and so goes to process, as per my recollections, wonky dreams, and wonky sensations). Victory lap, and the it's back to H&C.
It's why I'm always excited about new wonky sensations, even if they're unpleasant.
Oh yeah, there's at least a layer 2 of what I call core trauma, but it's been going through preeliminary motions (by which I mean OGSF action and FRM action, followed by the usual clearing action of whatever negativity's leftover).
EHPRA, FRM and OGSF + Aura of Love is a winning combination, truly.
I think that the nature of 6G programs is such that I'm getting results that would be indicative of stuff going on that's planned for PTRA v. 2 (f. in. brain pathways healing and reorganization, as indicated by wonky buzzing in my skull
). This is great. I will still try v. 2 once it's out, though probably not immediately.
On another note, my physical regimen got a level-up (I won't be going into boring details, suffice to say I keep this up, I'm gonna bodymorph into a very fine piece of man-ass promptly). Also, dancer chick with *dat ass* is doing a meetup in my town and it'll be great to see her and perhaps her even hotter older sister too (this one's got *dose legs* going on for her, heheh).
All in all, a very productive day was had, both PTRA-wise and singing practice-wise. Let's continue!
Let's have a song, haven't had one in a while:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm_N7pa9Sp8
Dark Tranquillity - Damage Done \m/
"Brought out for all to see
For all to see
Where the damage done
Face contradicting needs
We bring our cages home
For none to see
In vain to lessen
Responsibility
With damage done"
EDIT: BTW. I felt exactly like the guy in the album cover art last time I went bonkers, lulz. He's got that feeling exact.
You know, just had a pretty major realization, but it could verge into Rule 4 territory because the explanation of how I could put it into words would require the use of esoteric concepts.
But, in short - you know, I've taken on a lot of burden in this life - other people's burdens. And in return, all I got was being quite literally being left for dead (to die - quite possibly in psychosis-induced suicide). So now these certain individuals, well... they're gonna have to make it up to me. And if they try to push off any more of their own negativity onto me, they're gonna get DRS v2 in the face and apparently they're slowly learning they don't really like 'em apples.
So they just gotta, in a way, make this up to me now, or else we're gonna be dancing this Grim Fandango loooooong past its due date, haha.
(It's a reference to the brilliant adventure video-game Grim Fandango, I loved it.
)
I was on Cloud Nine for a moment there, high on that "Agape" thing
(I always loved the concept of Agape. Agape never hurt anybody. Eros quite often does, but Agape doesn't), decided to do something good so I made a monthly donation of some of my monies to an international org that does food safety and suchlike (one I trust), and now the FRM is back in action because I've hit on another trauma-thingy and now I'm feeling even somewhat anxious.
But the states of anxiety are getting lesser and lesser with each go around.
EDIT Well, apparently, the anxiety was mild enough I was capable of channeling/transmuting it promptly through about an hour of listening to angry/melancholic metalz \m/ It's what I do, I guess - I take crap and channel it through ART, har har.
Anyway, we're gonna be getting some more tunes by Dark Tranquillity in this here journal, so get ready for melancholic headbanging.
It's good to know my efforts are helping others help themselves and making a difference. Power tools indeed.
Power tools is a very apt term!
Day 13/124
Had a busy Saturday, spent over an hour on singing practice (and got a bit frustrated during which I did not have happen for quite some time now) and then spent the lot of the day commuting to a DSBM gig (band called Hangover in Minsk, OMG, totally up my alley right now).
I noticed that I sometimes am not as smooth during communication with others as I'd like to be (or like OSC and DMSI make me be), but that could be temporary.
Well, I did get 10+ hours of undisturbed sleep with dreams I don't remember, and wonky sensations seem to have calmed down a touch. Hopefully this does not mean the core trauma has stopped being worked on, but that mayhap it's stopped generating negativity so much and is now in the process of healing,