Subliminal Talk

Day 14/124

The two-week mark. Today took it easy with singing practice to avoid potentially mounting frustration. Experienced wonky sensations in my *left* leg for a change, akin to those from the right leg (seem to be linked to the Wonky Wound in the chest somehow). Hit a bit of a snag in the core trauma, but it passed after I got some sleep. Feeling pretty well right now, can't wait to get tomorrow started.

I also got a sudden impulse to start cleaning up my apartment/living space today whilst doing my lower abs EMS workout. I pretty much never get these. Could be indicative of something good! There's still lots of cleaning up and decluttering to do, though, so I'll pace myself.

I've been amusing myself by chatting up women through apps. Nothing IRL has come out of it yet, but it's fun. Some even recognize me/claim to recognize me.

Aaand I think we've got another PTRA-related brreakthrough on our hands. I usually assume so when: a) I start monologuing internally intensely about a particular topic, b) it's accompanied by particular Wonky Sensations™ and a sense of relief, c) I feel like doing a Victory Lap!

Day 15/124

Had a pretty eventful day even though I spent most of it at home, apart from going to singing practice.

Had wonky dreams, indicative of OGSF/FRM action.

Came to the conclusion that upon clearing, healing is an extremely energy-intensive exercise, especially when the damage is deep enough that it results in stuffies and thingies that are commonly regarded in the psychiatric community as symptoms of "schizophrenia", lewl. We're getting there, though.

Wonky sensations are still there, indicative of healing going on, as well as a funky pulling sensation going on in my right leg/foot, and sometimes even left leg/foot (I think it's OGSF/FRM as experienced on an energetic level).

Had some very interesting ideas after my loop of PTRA, accompanied by the "pulling" wonky sensations in new spots (interconnected, because complex trauma, oyyy). This was also accompanied by a nervousness/light anxiety which passed after I got some ZZZs in.

I was thinking about sex and sexuality, and it's connected to the wound around the perineum, which the FRM in DMSI 5.1 was working on last time I listened to it. It would be really nice to get laid without experiencing conscious/unconscious anxiety to go along with it, haha. Should be doable after this run, I think!

Also had some feelings indicative of attack, but these passed after I did my loops of DRS v2.

I also volunteerd to be a tutor for refugee kids, oy. I'm going to get something out of it, too - namely, a volunteer's medical coverage! Been planning to do something like that for some time now but did not feel up to snuff yet, now it's time I think.

I think what the program is doing now is removing trauma triggers whilst attempting to heal the underlying traumas. It's why having complex trauma is such a PITA - when everything and sundry is triggering you it's really exhausting to keep your cool, keep collected and remain under control of your emotions. It's why I have such great emotional control because I had to learn to live with this crap - but it'd be nice to be able to let go more and just be.

EDIT

This is also why I can't wait to try some other 6G subs after this one. Because they're not going to trigger shite so much anymore!

Day 16/124

I think I made tremendous progress yesterday, but there's still lot of work to be done.

At times instead of nappy time I feel like lying down with my eyes closed and just letting my thoughts go where they will in response to the program. 20-30 minutes of this and I feel reenergized (a PTRA power-nap).

Day 17/124

Tremenous progress again. I no longer feel hollow/empty inside. This does not mean I'm done healing and OGSFing, far from it. But it should make me more resilient, resistant to verious attacks as well as, hopefully, less triggerable.

Been feelin' and bein' a bit lazy, though, perhaps even slacking off these past several days. Thing is, though, I'm allowing myself some leeway as far as activity is concerned, given that PTRA involves heavy-duty healing and clearing and I'd rather take it easy/give myself some time off during the process. I think my activity levels should gradually increase as my psychic health improves.

Can't wait to be done with this run and go for OSC and DMSI action finally, though.

I did start employing a couple of tricks I have at my disposal (jedi mindtricks, lets call them) that should make the process - especially of transmuting/removing negativity of all sorts - more palatable/more efficient, as well as supposedly making me more attractive romantically and sexually to women at the same time, so... no reason not to use them! They don't appear to be detracting from PTRA-results, to the contrary, so I'll be using them (although they may also be a bit of an excuse for slacking, so that I don't feel like I'm actually *doing nothing* while running PTRA ).

Can't wait for my daily update because it's still fresh in my mind, so here it is:

So I went for nappy time and had quite possibly the most vivid sexual dream of me entire life, including physical sensations. But while the sex act was happening, I had a humiliating voice in the background talkin' shit, and trying to belittle me, oy.

It's was like how people describe visualisation for sexual manifestation, which I was never able to do properly due to GSF interference. But it would appear that GSF is getting removed, hard and fast, and this bodes really well for future DMSIng purposes! (As well as any other sex-attraction activities I may involve myself in, other 6G programs included).

This was accompanied by wonky sensations in the perineum area.

Apart from that, the program is gradually working through workplace mobbing stuff (recent and not-so-recent, which brings about recollections of primary and junior high school equivalents bullying to mind, but way more fierce and with higher stakes), romantic stuff (too many heartbreaks, oyyy), as well as family stuff. So the trifecta of mental health pathogenesis, lolololo.

In short, the going is good. Gonna add another post come tomorrow, to continue the countdown!

Day 18/124

I could simply re-state the above.

So instead, let's have a song. I've been on a DSBM/black'n'roll kick lately, so let's have some of the latter.

Note: the song contains the f- word in the title.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gfy1guqjuzU

"Living for the speed
Breathing for the darkness
Spreading like disease
F-ing speed and darkness"

\m/

Been thinking about relational trauma (of the "death by a thousand cuts" variety). You know, there's some really stupid women (say hello to that lovely ex of mine) who want what's commonly referred to as "an alpha guy", but in the relationship itself they want to dominate. So thus, when they apply various forms of relational violence in order to achieve this goal, they end up trying to make a man into two quite opposed people *at the same time* which is quite enough to drive anyone literally insane. Because they want the man to be "all alpha", just not towards them (to them, they should submit, lewl).

This is cretinous and a surefire way to hurt someone extremely.

Apart from the above, I am experiencing some very promising wonky sensations, this time in the area of my right leg again primarily. Otherwise I'm feelng really good. I did get 12+ hours of undisturbed sleep today, which would be a first in a very long time, and I remember there going on some serious unconscious action while I was sleeping, but I don't remember the dreams distinctly. Lots of stuff going on.

EDIT

By the by, the above can work both ways - f. in. guys often want a woman who's assertive towards men (f. in. is fully capable of detonating any sort of unwanted male attention), just not towards them (to them, the woman should be all like *OMG do whatever* ). Just a reminder for the future Ascendant Alphas out there, heheh.

Day 19/124

No need to restate the above. Feelin' good.

I also happened to land the best translation gig for me right now; a short autobiography by an American psychiatrist turned anti-psychiatrist. Lovin' it. The deadline is short (I have until the 4th), but the pay is really good for how long the work is (3000 American Buckaroos). So yeah, working on it. It'll give me something productive to do while PTRAing and take my mind off healing for a while.

Got back to singing practice today after a short break, it went pretty well. No frustraton experienced.

I'm lovin' that translation gig, working on it already and it's great fun (and great monies. It amounts to 60 USD per page, which is the highest rate I got, ever. And I'm not even running Money Magnet or anything ).

Thing is, though, my brother pissed me off today. He called me up as if he had something terribly important to discuss, and then it turned out it was his usual nonsense about him trying his damndest to weasel out of undertaking serious psychotherapy. Some smartass Interwebz buddy with a B.A. in, like, forensic psychology who thinks he's the world's foremost authority does not amount to individual psychotherapy! Arrgh. I actually yelled at him a bit, "I've got shit to do, places to be, I have *my own problems*, I am *not* your psychologist!" I've been telling him for years now to undertake at least indivdual psychotherapy, and if he wants to try psychoanalysis I can help him find someone competent (I'd simply ask my lady psychoanalyst for a referral, did that once for a friend already. By the by, he couldn't take the heat of *truth*, so he quite the analysis . Long story.), especially now that he's been officially diagnosed as bipolar and is on meds for that, but noooo, he's the sanest person ever, lewl.

Pah, enough ranting.

Now, as to my own problems:

I was thinking since earlier today about betrayal trauma, and how the anticipation of potential betrayal causes betrayal anxiety, and how betrayal anxiety causes trepidation whenever a potential trigger appears. It's the usual cycle of trauma-anxiety-trigger-retraumatization, oyyy, which you're trying to avoid, but then decide "heck, let's try again!" and then you regret it, oyy.

But I think it's healing, it's the heart center painful stuff, as wonky sensations™ indicate. I actually experienced some physical pain-pangs in this area as I was just thinking about it, hadn't had those in a while. But it's being worked on by myself and through PTRA.

By the by, the "jedi mindtricks" I'm using are primarily designed for: anxiety release (in general, but primarily for the purpose of attracting ladies) and transmutation of negative affects/energies and self-concepts and beliefs into positive ones (all of them, but with the goal of wimmen in mind, because that's the stuff I have at my disposal because I'm me, obviously ). Anyway, I think that PTRA can do tremendous work in this regard, but seeing as I decided to employ some jedi mindtrick in tandem, it might be a clue as to what could be improved come v. 2/v. 3 of PTRA.

Day 20/124

So today, as evidenced above, I was oscillating between moments of anger, moments of despondency, moments of anxiety, and moments of feeling awesome, all accompanied by wonky sensations here and there.

I literally had moments when I'd say out loud "Oh heck yeah, I'm awesome! " and the like, and then moments when I'd be all like "$^$%W$^Q#%^" (these are censored swear words ). Funky.

I do tend to feel better after sleeping/napping.

Working on that translation job, experienced hints of anxiety at how much I have going on next week (even though, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that much) while I'm also actively PTRAing.

Something big regarding familial ties cleared right through. Feeling really good. I also now have an even better understanding of so-called trauma bonding and what it brings about, as well as the psychoanalytical concepts of transference and counter-transference (in a, hopefully, intersubjective context)!

Good stuff!

Couldn't have pulled it off without the DRS v2, though. Too many people trying to push me in conflicting directions, and none to my benefit ultimately.

To celebrate with me, you can listen to the Behemoth song "Inner Sanctum". I won't link it here due to some of its themes (interested partes can google it on youtubes or something. Do note, though, that the band is known for certain controversial themes and it's *no joking matter* ), but I'll quote the chorus, out of memory even:

"Be it not so!
Thou shall see me not in agony.
Failure was and is no option
'Tis my undying self
The ever-wondering Son of the Morn
Abandoned, yet never to be conquered
The Opponent
My life's work is complete"

\m/

Cue the guitar solo! Hahaha.