Day 25/124
Finished, done and done! Now I'm exhausted and hopefully will fall asleep soon. I need my beauty sleep. This was an intense tempo, but the cha-ching is serious too. Fun book.
Felt good today, calm and happy, but now I'm too tired and sleepy to feel good.
Feels like the program is working through something resisty/stubborn now. I feel pretty alright, but slightly down and very *sighs heavily*
Hopefully this will pass soon enough.
The problem with complex trauma is that the trauma points incessantly feed into one another. Maybe breaking their causative bonds would help dissolve them?
I submitted the job, got a glowing response in return, saying I exceeded their expectations and that I'll be getting more jobs from them. Cha-ching!
Finally registered to the auditions I've been preemptively preparing for, hopefully they'll want to hear me sing.
Have a course for potential volunteer tutors this weekend, gonna be intense. The chick giving the course is *hot*, though.
Day 26/124
Felt better some time after writing the above, some movement in wonky sensations, so I guess the healing's back on.
Went to singing practice, it went very well. Designed a zany thingy that should do woo-woo stuff, can't say more but am gonna have some fun testing this concept out.
Had a pretty productive day overall. Tomorrow - course and metalz gg! \m/
Ooooooh, just chanced upon a great article about PTSD from a Lacanian perspective (although the author prefers to use the Freudian term "traumatic neurosis" - and CPTSD, as I believe I wrote somewhere on the forums here, some time ago - is a bunch of overlaying "traumatic neuroses").
Here's the article. I know it might require some understanding of the hermetic Lacanian lingo, but hopefully potential readers can glance something for themselves from it (I'll explain the term jouisannce as it's important. This is a form of "orgasmic ecstasy" which is by definition excessive, and can be either positive or negative - usually negative, but f. in. religious ecstasy is a form experiencing jouissance in a more positive manner, for instance).
Here it is, it's free to read and there's also a free PDF to download.
https://therapeia.org.uk/ttr/2026/01/29/...of-trauma/
Day 27/124
Got some proper sleep in, had very peaceful sleep but with lots of funky dreams.
I eletected not to do that volunteer thing for now - too much on my plate right now with PTRA.
Feelin' pretty good but I think I'm going to get some more sleep, haha.
So the program now appears to be working on 4-5 different trauma points which are linked together and effectvely generate a lot of heavy energy (negativity). That's why I'm getting such funky dreams - they're dealing with 4-5 different issues at the same time. I'm also now getting a resistance/heavy stuff headachce on my left side of the brain agan, which usually indicates there's some sort of breakthrough imminent. Hopefully!
Funny that, just remembered some situations from my kiddie years (5-12 y/o) that are sources of embarassement (so GSF). It's relatively small stuff, for the most part, because I was a relatively well-behaved kid, but they're like the prototype for later situations that were GSF-filled. Maybe that is the breakthrough that was about to happen.
I just told myself aloud: "What's there to be embarassed about?" Lewl.
Good stuff, I think! Doesn't have the oomph of previous epiphanies but should be very beneficial in the long run.
Today, I was actively re-parentng and re-older brothering myself, gonna have to re-frend myself as well. It's like the very young me started getting along better with older me, all under the supervison of current me.
I did get moments when negativity started welling up and I had to verbalize it (through calling various people names, mostly. At home, where nobody could hear, so no worries
)
Wonky sensations would indicate I'm almost done - at least with the stuff that brings about wonky sensations in the core trauma areas. Cool!
Day 28/124
Very important day PTRA-wise yesterday, I think, with tremendous progress. Now getting some good, healthy sleep in with funky dreams, also indicative of progress.
Very good tidings PTRA-wise, I devised a little scheme how to communicate with very young parts of myself when they feel bad and start blaming themselves for stuff (I use rhymes, fun rhymes, I just repeat a rhyming scheme in my head pertaining to the situation, trying to turn it around and it works!)
Currently also working through programmatic automation - automatons in an Aristotelian sense - which is more than a habit, it's the stuff that kicks in when you're - you guessed it - unconscioous (f. in. you're experiencing blackout, for any reason whatsoever), because some of mine have become extremely negative over the years (they weren't so back in the day).
I'll have to admit to a little experimentation on my part - I used the volume of 10 for some time, and the C-PTSD designed volume of 6 for some time. The difference is big between the two, but they do work well. So if someone's running one protocol and feeling stuck, maybe try different volumes (but alternate between the two that have been modeled for best results). I know, I know, "follow the damn instructions!"
Random musing of the day:
C-PTSD, or a bunch of traumatic neuroses, and GSF removal is a bit like an interwoven puzzle. It's like trying to decipher the unconscious links between particular traumatic points (and even sometimes imaginations! Imagination can be a mixed blessing sometimes) and how they generate GSF. Today, I feel like my life - at least sexual life - was extremely guilt-ridden, to the point where I was even actively preventing myself from having in-person, physical sex to escape the *possibility* of experiencing sexual guilt of any kind, because guilt mixed with shame is most unpleasant. And the fear of that was driving me towards a life of incelship, lewl. And that's just *one* example.
That's why I wanted to PTRA before DMSIng. To actually enjoy myself while enjoying the results of DMSI, which are inevitable for me, har har har.
(02-08-2026, 10:28 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]That's why I wanted to PTRA before DMSIng. To actually enjoy myself while enjoying the results of DMSI, which are inevitable for me, har har har.
Wise choice. Best to have a solid foundation of self before trying to attract women. You need to have something "there" to attract them to.
Oh I have quite a lot to attract them to, being a Golden God of Sex and Song (and a bit of a local celebrity, with that status increasng) - thing is, though, parts of me are not very keen because even with FRM I'd still have G and S to deal with regarding sex and sexuality, and it could take some tme to work through, so I'm GSFing like mad here.
Thanks!
Slept a lot today, had lots of actually pretty pleasant yet funky dreams. This bodes well.
Skipping singing practice today because I overtrained my abs and now my lower back hurts. Getting back to it tomorrow.
For some time now, I felt like posting about my pill-routine, so here it is:
15 mg aripiprazole (antipsychotic, brand name Abilify - psych docs' orders), 1 multivatamin (local brand Bodymax Active, it has a wide range of vitamins including magnesium, as well as ginseng and white tea extracts), 450mg ashwaganda (for nervous system functioning), 2-4000 mg l-carnitine in the form of fizzy tabs (thanks to 4kingdoms for reminding me of this).
Day 29/124
Traditional daily countdown. Currently feeling sleepy and a little bit down, probably because I had to skip on several things and am dealing with a job thing which is a nuisance. Not much to report apart from the above. Working through the interwoven web of unpleasant relations bit by bit. I feel a little bit tired of PTRAing today, maybe there's some sort of breakthrough imminent, who knows.