Sean's AM Journal

[Shannon]

Polishing means... polishing. Refining. Maximizing, putting on the gloss coat, making to shine.

[Sean]

It's one thing to know what polishing means, and it's quite another to experience the changes. I was expecting Stage Six to do less: Just smoothing over any rough spots left after the big work of earlier stages. Instead, I'm finding that it is making changes of its own, and I like it!

[Shannon]

Take every opportunity to improve yourself, for time is non-refundable.

[Sean]

Shannon, EACH Stage has been worth the price of the whole package.

Convincing me of that beforehand would have been very difficult, and the Laffer Curve on your products won't support that price point right now. That said, the value IS there!

[redragon]

Congratulations on your success with AM Sean! I deeply agree that Shannons subs are very much worth it.

[Sean]

I've had two very interesting experiences lately, regarding exes:

Weird Ex Interaction #1

I send a monthly payment to my ex-wife, and historically she's nagged me on the day that it is due. Lately, I've been putting my foot down on the nagging, telling her to be patient.

On the 15th, I sent her the payment early in the day, and sent an email letting her know it had been sent. She wrote back, thanking me, and saying that she'd planned to not nag until the 18th. This has typically been her praise-seeking method, so I wrote back, "Would you like a button?" [For those unfamiliar, this is a common sarcastic question asked when one is praise-seeking for lame accomplishments]

I get back, "Yes. How about best ex-wife ever." Without thinking, I replied, "Let's start small. How about 'I managed to not nag my ex-husband for ten hours and 24 minutes.'" "You're an asshole. Were you always this funny?"

While I've no attraction whatsoever for her, keeping my ex in a state of having positive-and-platonic feelings toward me benefits our son, and makes it easier to deal with her. I consider this a huge success, and not something I'd have done six months ago because I was constantly knuckling under in an attempt to keep the peace.

Weird Ex Interaction #2

This was with my most-recent ex. She's been unusually polite, lately. This is significant, because being polite toward me has been exceedingly rare since the breakup. While picking up my daughter, she's started talking to me like she did during the happier days early in our relationship. "I saw her doing this thing the other day, and if she inherited [random behavior] from you, you're in trouble." This was always said flirtatiously when we were dating. She also bragged about changing her diet to match the one I was doing before we broke up. To me, this meets my definition of mild flirtation and qualifying herself to me.

This has a more-conflicted feeling around it. On the one hand, I don't want to deal with that craziness at all. She handles her anger and frustration in bad ways, and these ways were the straw that broke the camel's back in our relationship. On the other hand, I have an immature desire to have her try to win me back.

This is further complicated by the fact that the sex was fantastic, and she always handled by sexual desires very well, so there is a bit of temptation there. Fortunately, I start WM2 in about a month, so I'll soon have far better options than her.

Strange Mall Girl

I frequently take my daughter for walks at the mall. I carry her around, since she's only just starting to walk, and the time spent in close contact warms my heart. I was sitting on a bench with her sleeping on my chest when a young woman walked by in obvious pain from her high-heeled shoes. A few minutes later, she comes back and sits on a nearby bench. I smile and toss my chin at her, and she smiles back. She opens me by asking how old my daughter is, and saying how cute she is. I thank her and return to my ebook.

Then she asks what I do, and explains that she's in charge of expanding a well-known financial services group into my city. She mentions that I seem like a friendly and outgoing person, and asks for my number, so we can talk later about job opportunities.

I got her number in return, had a brief discussion about the company, her aching feet, the present she's buying her sister, and then my daughter started waking up. I thanked her for the time, shook her hand, and focused on my little girl because that was my priority at the time.

This morning, I decided to send her a text, saying I hope she was able to walk today, was fun meeting her. We'll see if she was really looking for a new employee, or she was just overwhelmed by her attraction to me.

What do y'all think of these interactions?

[Benjamin]

Awesome Sean. You handled the first one well, sounds like your handling her alot better than in the past.

The second one I can really identify, i've got several ex's that contact me randomly and basically want sex and in the past I used to usually go and do it and then regret it. But now I finally realized and am mostly able to resist the temptation. Though it's still kind of tempting.

Especially if they were crazy and incredibly clingy, it's just not worth it. I'd regret it as soon as I slept with them.

And the third woman it sounds like the job was just a convenient excuse. I think she wants you but usually they come up with an excuse.

It's kind of like one of my ex's I mentioned, she randomly sent me a facebook message "I know you want nothing to do with me but can you help me with my computer, somebody gave me a keyboard and monitor and I just need the box, maybe you can help?".

It seems simple enough, but I realized it's just her trying to get back in because she knows i'm into computers and it may start a conversation. Afterall it is incredibly simple for her to find that out nearly anywhere or do a google search.

So I decided not to answer because it is so obvious to me it's not just about the computer.

-Ben

[Shannon]

Wow... someone gave me a keyboard and I just need the box? Hahahaha! Where do they come up with these things?

[Benjamin]

Hahaha I guess it wasn't just me thinking that it was weird then.

I'm actually sitting her laughing at your response because it made me realized how mental what she said is.

Where do they come up with these things?

The latest article in women's magazines?

-Ben

[Sean]

I had a great time this weekend. I was on a ski weekend with my older son's Boy Scout troop. While there, I had to go to the store several times, and the ladies who were my cashiers on two occasions were amusing. They made lots of eye contact with their face turned 3/4 toward me with their chin down just a little: very coquettish, in my opinion. They would smile and laugh at anything I said.

I must be giving off one heck of an aura in addition to appearing alpha.

The ex continues to be interesting: in the past she made a big deal about establishing her territory. I think I left my winter gear in the garage when I moved out, and when I asked if I could come look, she said I'd be welcome to do so. In addition to having housemates which will limit her options, I'm certain she won't be confident enough to try anything that isn't easy to politely misinterpret and redirect.

[Sean]

AM 5 Stage 6 Day 12 w/ OGSF

As an odd contradiction, tonight I'm feeling rather depressed. I had the evening free, and instead of going out, I stayed in. I didn't call any friends. I didn't look for salsa dance lessons. I even thought to myself that I should go out. Maybe enjoy a cigar.

Instead, I played Call of Duty poorly. Then I watched Netflix.

The really crappy thing is that I was listening to Dr. Paul Dobransky talk about how making decisions and taking constructive action is one of the ways we strengthen our character, and how we cure depression or anxiety.

So right after hearing this, I did the opposite. And this is right in line with something my ex said about me: that I rebel against things without considering the consequences or even whether I need to rebel against them.

Looking back on the day, it seems like I was handed a key to happiness, and instead of putting it into a door to see if it unlocks it, I dropped the key and walked away.

Why did I do this? I've got a lot of crap going on in my head. A lot of feeling worthless, hopeless, and helpless. I want to pull the sheets up over my head and never come out from under them.

Writing this out makes it easier to put together, especially after I get past beating myself up. Could this be the fear, or my ego, going bananas during a weak point to stay in power? I've gotten a lot of headphone time with both AM5 and OGSF lately, and I wonder if between getting tired from that and the assault on The Evil Trio could be kicking my butt.

Now that I think of it, I followed a pattern without thought: I said, "I can go out later. I'll just make dinner, and watch Netflix while I eat." which turned into Just One More Episode until 11:30pm.

[Subeternal]

I'm curious as to why you switched over from OF. Did OF itself make you realize something or was it a conscious "I think this may facilitate me better" sort of thing. I want to add something later in very small amounts. Not sure which one to use though.

[Sean]

I switched because when I was on vacation, I realized that I carry a great deal of guilt, and I want to clear out as much as I can.

[Patti]

I've been listening to all who have been us OF or OFSG as that's what Shannon had suggested I used next. It's made me fearful in itself! lol He's probably right, usually is in these matters, but I just don't know if I can go through it right after this program. Of course it's not the stop smoking program causing me such turmoil but the outcome of the goal. However, it has been extremely difficult at times (to say the least) and I feel like this programs goal would have me feeling just as beat up. My daughter just finished AF and will probably be listening to LM or HAJ. I have an ipod and player in both my bedroom and kitchen, so I was thinking of listening to OFGS at night and whatever she's listening to in the day. Maybe that will help smooth out the process some, but knowing me it'll just prolong it....Ugh! Looking forward to hearing more of your experience.