Sean's AM Journal

[Benjamin]

Kart racing? Do you get to use banana peels and turtle shells?

That would be so funny actually, i'd love to see the video of somebody taking banana peels go cart racing and throwing them behind at the other drivers!

Like this, this video is simply awesome!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MytfhzcSF-Y

[Sean]

Kart racing? Do you get to use banana peels and turtle shells?

That would be so funny actually, i'd love to see the video of somebody taking banana peels go cart racing and throwing them behind at the other drivers!

Like this, this video is simply awesome!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MytfhzcSF-Y

Ben, I think you need to befriend a kart racing center owner near you and get them to film this. You'll be an Internet sensation!

[Sean]

Kart racing was fun. My friend is Russian, as are all of his friends. The interesting part was that one brought his girlfriend, and she was not racing. She was a 4 in my opinion, because she's SUPER slender: way too slender for my taste. Her face was cute and she had long hair, but she was also an attention fiend. She wore super tall heels, a very short skirt, and a tight top. None of these are bad, or negatives: It was the why she was wearing them that bugged me.

She craved attention. She's joined her boyfriend on a guys' outing, and she wanted our attention. She'd make eyes at one of us, then cling to BF's arm, or kiss him, or snuggle up against him. It was weird. Then, after racing, we went to a coffee shop, and she started making out with him. At first, I tugged on some of her hair to be less-than-subtle about my disapproval, but she ignored it. I stepped it up a notch by grabbing a newspaper off the table, and rolling it up. She understood: I was going to beat her with it if she started attention whoring again.

At this point, the group broke up, and the couple went home. The remaining four of us walked around outside, making conversation. There was consensus that she was being rude, and one guy said he'd speak up next time. I'm not sure that will be needed: she seemed to get the hint when I rolled up the paper. We'll see, because I'm definitely going kart racing again, and I'm not dealing with attention whoring.

[Sean]

A fun afternoon: I got to attend my 2nd grader's parent-teacher conference this afternoon. I was there early, and my ex-wife was going to be late, so I sat down and talked to the teacher for a bit. She's cute-not-hot, has a sweet smile and a very sweet personality. Without doing anything intentionally, I was flirting her up a little, and she was eating it up. I also brought a box of chocolate, because she's doing an awesome job as my son's teacher, and I wanted to give her a token of my gratitude.

Then the principal, who's like the wicked witch of the west, comes in. We spoke with her for a bit, with my ex on speakerphone as she drove through traffic to the school. I was getting tons of eye contact, nervous smiles, and she kept her body oriented toward me the entire time.

As the principal left, my ex-wife arrived, and we were able to get down to the discussion of how he is doing. During the discussion, I noticed a few of my actions that were out-of-character for who I was before starting AM5. First, my ex got hung up on one detail in the report card. She kept worrying at it like a terrier at a mouse hole. I finally said, "He's green in all places except this one yellow mark. It's OK." ...and she let it go, saying, "You're right. Sorry." Also, when I gave the teacher the chocolates, she said, "Oh you didn't have to do that." I said, "I know: I wanted to, and it's my pleasure. You're doing a great job with my son."

At the end of the conference, my ex-wife, being a meddler, asks, "Are you Miss Smith or Mrs. Smith?" and the teacher confirmed that she's a Miss. Outside, my ex tells me to be sure to take advantage of the teacher thinking I'm cute. I laughed, commented noncommittally, and then took my next out-of-character action: I told my ex that we had agreed that I would handle the Principal on an ongoing issue of contention, which she had interfered with during the speakerphone conversation. I followed up with, "Let me handle it." and she apologized again, said she'd leave it alone.

My buddy said that most teachers go out for drinks during parent teacher conference week, and I should just go back and say, "Hey, all the teachers are coming in with hangovers tomorrow: let me pay for yours." HAHA! I may try that, but somehow I'm going to see if I can get something started with her. I'm attracted and would like to see where things go with her.

[Benjamin]

Ben, I think you need to befriend a kart racing center owner near you and get them to film this. You'll be an Internet sensation!

Hahaha

Looks like your getting some good changes, except don't pay for her drinks as your friend said

[Sean]

Ben, I think you need to befriend a kart racing center owner near you and get them to film this. You'll be an Internet sensation!

Hahaha

Looks like your getting some good changes, except don't pay for her drinks as your friend said

Yeah, I'm not a drink buyer, unless she wants to take the party home, in which case I provide as a proper host or guest. ;-)

[Sean]

Wow, I've been on Stage four for only a few days now, and I'm noticing headaches. Apparently something in this stage is challenging my brain. They're dull, generalized, and fade when I've turned off the sub for 30 minutes.

[Sean]

This afternoon was very interesting. My friend and I went to see Skyfall at the theater. My friend sat to my left. On the other side of him was a woman, and past her was her boyfriend. Prior to the movie starting, we got to see the usual pleas not to use cell phones during the movie.

Three-quarters of the way through the movie, boyfriend gets a text and checks it. His screen caught me out of the corner of my eye and was distracting. Willing to let it slip, he checks it again five minutes later. I stand up, lean across my friend and the girl, and say, "Please take that outside."

He looks at me like I asked him to take of his clothes and sing Monty Python's Lumberjack song, but he turned it off, so I sat down to watch the movie. My pulse is about eleventy-thousand, and I can tell adrenaline is priming everything for boyfriend to start something. Much like clockwork, he does. From my peripheral vision, I see him lean forward, look at me, and raise his hand in a "WTF?" gesture. I calmly turn my head to lock eyes with him, and he says, "You should be watching the movie, not me."

I didn't blink. I just stared at him, raising my eyebrows, and he repeats his "WTF?" gesture more emphatically, and his girlfriend starts trying to get him to calm down. I give my best "you're not worth my time" face, and start watching the movie again.

When the credits start rolling, I invite my friend to leave immediately, and he's cool with that. I'm not eager to get into a fight, especially not one as mismatched as this would have been. The kid was at least 6" shorter than I, skinny, and just trying to save face because his girlfriend was there and he had something to prove. We did not hurry, and was in fight-or-flight for a good 15 minutes following our exit.

It stood out for me how different this is from how I used to react to this in theaters. I'd keep quiet and stew about it. This time, I was willing to take action, and did not feel the need to escalate beyond that, while at the same time was willing to handle the situation if he decided to escalate. He was in the wrong; he was outgunned; he knew it; and I knew he knew it.

The alpha is willing to enforce the rules for his comfort, and feels no need to expend more effort than necessary to do so. There is no need to maul an inferior when a facial expression achieves the goal.

[Sean]

Last night was awesome!

My coworker is visiting from out of town, so I took him to the best steak place in our area. We were there late in the evening, because I was weightlifting before going out. Walking in, I ask the junior hostess if there is still seating available for two. The expression on her face told me that what she heard was more like, "I'm here for the pet Tyrannosaurs you posted on Craigslist."

The senior hostess returned to the podium, and was very bubbly in telling me that she could still get me a table in 15-20 minutes, while gesturing emphatically. I'm not kidding: two Italians having a heated political debate would have looked like statues standing next to this.

"Hey, my watch has hands, too, but they don't move like that."

"Oh good, because then your watch would be broken."

"Now you're breaking my watch, too? I don't know if I can handle this place." She cracked up after that.

My colleague and I go sit in the bar, and I ask the bartender for a drink, and I stand there waiting for it. Junior hostess comes over and tells me that if we sit, the cocktailer will come take our order. Once seated, the lovely cocktailer comes, and I let her know that I placed my order at the bar. Seeing it waiting where the bartender left it, she begins scurrying to go get it. I stop her, and say, "My friend would like to order his drink, too."

After ordering, I ask him, "Did you turn invisible?"

"I think so: the hostess was all over you and the cocktail waitress didn't even know I was here."

When we were to be seated, the hostess said my name, and I glanced her direction, whereupon she started gesticulating like earlier. I smiled, and we walked over. I gave her more teasing about breaking my watch, and she kept looking over her shoulder just-a-bit-too-long every time she replied.

My colleague is married, but that didn't stop him from being quite obviously envious of my charming the ladies at the restaurant. I was just having a good time with it.

Following the good news, I have my conundrum: when I'm not thinking about it, I am a natural flirt; this is not new. If I think to myself that I should get her number, it all falls apart. It's much like "thinking" about a golf swing, or thinking while sparring: if I just let my body (or mind) perform the task without micromanaging, I am far more successful.

Abandoning the pattern of staying "in my head" when I would rather go with the flow is one of my goals. Things always go better for me when I stay present and let it flow, rather than thinking ahead and trying to plan my next witty comment. Much of this is based in self-confidence, in that I must be confident in my ability to say something naturally and without conscious thought: my brain is not a scumbag and will provide me with the right things to say.

[Sean]

AM5, Stage 4, Day 15 These events culminated on Day 10, though.

I finally had it, last week.

I've been a betaschlub to my ex-girlfriend, helping her out because she asked for it when I was moving out. Specifically, I kept her on my medical insurance and kept the utilities in my name until she was on her feet enough to do it herself.

She expressed gratitude a few times, usually when I was asking if she was in good enough financial condition to take over the utility bills herself. Part of our agreement was that she would pay for her part of the insurance on the first of each month. Eventually, she was to repay me for the utilities and various other debts she has to me. I was a real moron, because she has a poor track record of paying anyone back, unless there was something to motivate her (repossession, lights turned off, etc)

Each month, she paid for insurance later and later, and was curt about it when I reminded her. Also, she was becoming more and more discourteous to me as time passed. She would close the door in my face as I was finishing my sentence about our daughter, make snide remarks about how I was dressing, or accuse me of not changing our daughter's diaper.

The other night, I finally had it. I sent an email, saying that I'm done with paying for the privilege of her rudeness, her insurance is done at the end of the year (that's more convenient for me), and I'm closing my account with the power company on the 30th. The next time she asks for a favor, I said she should ask herself, "How long has it been since I've been a c**t to Sean?" and if the answer is less than 6 weeks, don't bother. Even if it's been more, I probably will still say no, but it's not guaranteed.

It's a weight off my shoulders. I was being a nice doormat to try to keep the peace, but appeasement does not work. Tolerating what would be described as intolerable taught her to treat me that way, and I take responsibility for that. I'm also taking responsibility for how I'm treated from here on out, and this was a big step forward on that.

[Yuri]

that is retarded oO I hate it when you try to do something good hearted for another person and they still choose to not appreciate it and prefer to try in a way and manipulate or some shit like that.

[Shannon]

You have her an out. "If you wait a while, I'll forget, and you can do it again." Not good. You want her to stop, not slow down.

[Sean]

I agree, Yuri: One cannot be nice to an abusive or parasitic person because they see it as weakness or an opportunity.

You have her an out. "If you wait a while, I'll forget, and you can do it again." Not good. You want her to stop, not slow down.

I chose this for several reasons:

1. I have to deal with her for 17.5 more years.
2. I'm willing to allow her baby steps and attenuate the behavior.
3. I specifically said it was likely I would still say no to any of her reqeusts for a favor. If she wants me to do something for her, she's got to be someone I can deal with, which has worked well with other exes with whom I must deal.

[Sean]

Shannon, thank you for adding yet another product I must add to my dance card. Somehow, I don't foresee a time in the near future when I find myself without an IML product in my queue.