Day 135 (4*32 + 7)
Kinda funny that I still don't see it sometimes. I've been somewhat nervous these last days, at work mostly. Very tired in the evenings and didn't sleep that well either. Today I was just so spent I had to take a nap before I could possible force myself to go the gym. Felt "tired" and "stressed". Fell asleep quickly just looking at the stress/tension. I wake 20 minutes later, stay there for some extra 15 and I start to regain my consciousness.. and I see its basically terror that was underneath the tension, i.e., the reason for the tension. Now its very clearly there, radiating from the left side of my chest and neck area. Just let it be, yawn like crazy, and it clears in 1-2 hours (went to the gym at 1 hour and let it continue). That's how its happened a couple times now. But still, I couldn't see it through the stress/tension, even as I was actively looking for it yesterday because I know I felt stressed and tried to resolve it. Anyway, feeling lighter now.
I'll see if I can stay with E2 until the 6-month mark. Seems like things are moving forward (slowly) now, so no sense to stop now. I can definitely see how e.g. AM could work much better after a good while on E2. The normal state for me (and I'd bet for a low of other people too) is to resist something as a protection mechanism against fears or insecurities I'm not consciously aware at that moment. Let's take a casual eye contact situation at work as an example (or take clubbing sober if you wish). So then comes AM, saying that I should be dominant and masculine in that situation. So on top of holding that tension, as I'm forcing the fear to not be there, I'll also try to increase the tension to force it even further into dominance. So I'll get there, but its shaky; I'll be dominant, but only for short time spans, I'm not really relaxed, it'll feel uncomfortable, and I might avoid the situation. The total tension required for dominance should be a lot less after E2. Idk, maybe there shouldn't even be any tension after all the programming has sunken in.
EDIT: Btw, blow jobs are awesome now. For some reason I haven't really ever been able to fully relax into receiving them, but now I can. It also seems the gf is a lot better and more enthusiastic at giving them than she used to be. Ha.
Kinda funny that I still don't see it sometimes. I've been somewhat nervous these last days, at work mostly. Very tired in the evenings and didn't sleep that well either. Today I was just so spent I had to take a nap before I could possible force myself to go the gym. Felt "tired" and "stressed". Fell asleep quickly just looking at the stress/tension. I wake 20 minutes later, stay there for some extra 15 and I start to regain my consciousness.. and I see its basically terror that was underneath the tension, i.e., the reason for the tension. Now its very clearly there, radiating from the left side of my chest and neck area. Just let it be, yawn like crazy, and it clears in 1-2 hours (went to the gym at 1 hour and let it continue). That's how its happened a couple times now. But still, I couldn't see it through the stress/tension, even as I was actively looking for it yesterday because I know I felt stressed and tried to resolve it. Anyway, feeling lighter now.
I'll see if I can stay with E2 until the 6-month mark. Seems like things are moving forward (slowly) now, so no sense to stop now. I can definitely see how e.g. AM could work much better after a good while on E2. The normal state for me (and I'd bet for a low of other people too) is to resist something as a protection mechanism against fears or insecurities I'm not consciously aware at that moment. Let's take a casual eye contact situation at work as an example (or take clubbing sober if you wish). So then comes AM, saying that I should be dominant and masculine in that situation. So on top of holding that tension, as I'm forcing the fear to not be there, I'll also try to increase the tension to force it even further into dominance. So I'll get there, but its shaky; I'll be dominant, but only for short time spans, I'm not really relaxed, it'll feel uncomfortable, and I might avoid the situation. The total tension required for dominance should be a lot less after E2. Idk, maybe there shouldn't even be any tension after all the programming has sunken in.
EDIT: Btw, blow jobs are awesome now. For some reason I haven't really ever been able to fully relax into receiving them, but now I can. It also seems the gf is a lot better and more enthusiastic at giving them than she used to be. Ha.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
