04-24-2016, 09:37 AM
Day 50
+I was out with my girl, looking at some people I found interesting, and she said: "You're so interesting... I know you have a soft side, but then you also have this hard side to you.. masculine. Idk, I guess it comes out in the way you act, somehow.. and also you don't ever jump to please me if I ask for something, even though I know you care.". Or smt like that, it took her a while to get those thoughts together. And then what's odd is that she said she's been afraid of doing something that might upset me or make me angry, even I'm never angry at her, and that she couldn't understand it. Phero users, could this be a side effect of using AV? I dab a little on as a habit now when I go out. Could be about other things as well that I won't go into here. But anyways, seems like my old self (and AM training) isn't completely dormant on E2 - great!
+Socializing it great. Talking to familiar people (girls) at parties is super easy and I actually had many of them come talk to me. I'm surprised by getting increased interest from those very pretty, but sensitive or "fragile" girls I think I used to scare off before.
+Just today I had this realization that I couldn't understand why it could be hard to have and keep up a conversation with someone over coffee or something. That blew my mind. Thinking about, the difference was that I'd usually think of that socializing as a threat because I'd have to "defend" myself against this feeling, failure, of not being social enough, or good enough, or something. Now the whole perspective was: of course I'd like to talk to someone I like (I presume I like them), and of course I'd want to get to know them because I like them and they're probably interesting (assumption again). It'd be so easy to continue about any subject, since there's bound to be something about that person that I'd find interesting. So the other perspective is all about me and protecting myself from the other person, while the other perspective is all about just being interested in her, since I'm assuming there's something I like about her. But its not needy, since I'd not be trying to get her to like me, but in fact just find out why I might like her.
+Confidence is coming back. I've laid the ground work for job application during these last weeks, and I sent out two applications today. I've also exercised at least 15 minutes every day, almost always more. I'm listing out 3 things to be grateful of every morning (for 2 weeks now also). Also been getting up without snoozing for a couple days now, except that I didn't have an alarm on the weekend (and was a bit hungover too).
+When I'm dealing with the emotional stuff, I'll feel drained and not in the least bit alpha. Sometimes I'll cry a bit, but its always about hope. E.g. reading about something, and then realizing I CAN do this. Afterwards I'll feel spent for the day or two. Then again when that's not happening, I'm actually starting to feel somewhat alpha again. Though I did meet some Julien-style friends when I was out, and I do feel somewhat fragile in comparison. Its like they have their whole thick steel armor on and they have that gun powder ready to ignite and make a violent blast, and there just as open as them but with this very thin leather armor vest and I kind of have to be more careful. But then again when they go broadcasting themselves to girls its loud and fun, but they're also all keeping themselves behind that armor and they're thinking to themselves and looking around, and its pointless. But understandable. I have a much easier time with actually connecting, but if I wanted to chase tail there'd still be plenty of fear and shame keeping me still.
+More and more I feel I'm fine without getting any new tail, because, come on, sex is sex. And the sex I'm already having is awesome. So it being better with a new girl is all about that "accomplishment", when the actual sex is not likely to be better. Of course variety is hot, but as a total experience. Accomplishment I guess means.. win of approval, status, proving that I'm good to.. me? Others? I guess its that the lifestyle itself of having girls and success and all that is something I think I should have - like if I felt I need to have a cool car to be successful. On the other hand, I did dream of sleeping with several women at some apartment, and dealing with some shame/guilt wanting to hide the other's interest in me from some of the other ones.
+Wanting to do AM, but its likely I'll be on E2 for at least a month more. Doing it for 6 months and then ASC 6G would be awesome, but there's no way of knowing when that comes out. 3-6 months of E2 and then jumping on the AM refresher could be interesting. Having run AM twice, I don't want to start it because it feels like absolutely nothing happening for 3-4 months for me, thus the refresher. Anyway, irrelevant right now.
-Damn, I wanted to make this update quick. I had nothing to say and thought to just get it over with :D
+I was out with my girl, looking at some people I found interesting, and she said: "You're so interesting... I know you have a soft side, but then you also have this hard side to you.. masculine. Idk, I guess it comes out in the way you act, somehow.. and also you don't ever jump to please me if I ask for something, even though I know you care.". Or smt like that, it took her a while to get those thoughts together. And then what's odd is that she said she's been afraid of doing something that might upset me or make me angry, even I'm never angry at her, and that she couldn't understand it. Phero users, could this be a side effect of using AV? I dab a little on as a habit now when I go out. Could be about other things as well that I won't go into here. But anyways, seems like my old self (and AM training) isn't completely dormant on E2 - great!
+Socializing it great. Talking to familiar people (girls) at parties is super easy and I actually had many of them come talk to me. I'm surprised by getting increased interest from those very pretty, but sensitive or "fragile" girls I think I used to scare off before.
+Just today I had this realization that I couldn't understand why it could be hard to have and keep up a conversation with someone over coffee or something. That blew my mind. Thinking about, the difference was that I'd usually think of that socializing as a threat because I'd have to "defend" myself against this feeling, failure, of not being social enough, or good enough, or something. Now the whole perspective was: of course I'd like to talk to someone I like (I presume I like them), and of course I'd want to get to know them because I like them and they're probably interesting (assumption again). It'd be so easy to continue about any subject, since there's bound to be something about that person that I'd find interesting. So the other perspective is all about me and protecting myself from the other person, while the other perspective is all about just being interested in her, since I'm assuming there's something I like about her. But its not needy, since I'd not be trying to get her to like me, but in fact just find out why I might like her.
+Confidence is coming back. I've laid the ground work for job application during these last weeks, and I sent out two applications today. I've also exercised at least 15 minutes every day, almost always more. I'm listing out 3 things to be grateful of every morning (for 2 weeks now also). Also been getting up without snoozing for a couple days now, except that I didn't have an alarm on the weekend (and was a bit hungover too).
+When I'm dealing with the emotional stuff, I'll feel drained and not in the least bit alpha. Sometimes I'll cry a bit, but its always about hope. E.g. reading about something, and then realizing I CAN do this. Afterwards I'll feel spent for the day or two. Then again when that's not happening, I'm actually starting to feel somewhat alpha again. Though I did meet some Julien-style friends when I was out, and I do feel somewhat fragile in comparison. Its like they have their whole thick steel armor on and they have that gun powder ready to ignite and make a violent blast, and there just as open as them but with this very thin leather armor vest and I kind of have to be more careful. But then again when they go broadcasting themselves to girls its loud and fun, but they're also all keeping themselves behind that armor and they're thinking to themselves and looking around, and its pointless. But understandable. I have a much easier time with actually connecting, but if I wanted to chase tail there'd still be plenty of fear and shame keeping me still.
+More and more I feel I'm fine without getting any new tail, because, come on, sex is sex. And the sex I'm already having is awesome. So it being better with a new girl is all about that "accomplishment", when the actual sex is not likely to be better. Of course variety is hot, but as a total experience. Accomplishment I guess means.. win of approval, status, proving that I'm good to.. me? Others? I guess its that the lifestyle itself of having girls and success and all that is something I think I should have - like if I felt I need to have a cool car to be successful. On the other hand, I did dream of sleeping with several women at some apartment, and dealing with some shame/guilt wanting to hide the other's interest in me from some of the other ones.
+Wanting to do AM, but its likely I'll be on E2 for at least a month more. Doing it for 6 months and then ASC 6G would be awesome, but there's no way of knowing when that comes out. 3-6 months of E2 and then jumping on the AM refresher could be interesting. Having run AM twice, I don't want to start it because it feels like absolutely nothing happening for 3-4 months for me, thus the refresher. Anyway, irrelevant right now.
-Damn, I wanted to make this update quick. I had nothing to say and thought to just get it over with :D
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
