Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

I'm needing to air and flush out my thoughts.  I've been reluctant to write and share, but even as an introvert, I still need to admit my own thoughts to myself.  I'm writing to acknowledge this need.

I started E4 this week and have used it for all of one cycle, and today is day 1 of the 3-day rest.  I bought E5 yesterday and plan on running it for a full 8 months after this rest period.  I bought E5 for a few reasons.

1.  My main reason of choosing E5 over UH was a simple--but needed--goal Shannon included: it allows us to start loving and liking ourselves.  Self-love and self-appreciation feel SO much better than blaming and shaming myself.  Hands down.  I also find myself attracting women again, even this one week.  Kind of weird, but I've always attracted women on Shannon's healing subs.  

2.  Very close to that level of importance is letting go of others' permission for me to heal.  Prior to E2, I'd never felt I had any real right or reason to truly heal.  LTU5 contained this goal too, which I felt heavily, and it brought me back to LTU5 a number of times.  That goal kept me in line with healing when all the other shiny subs were vying for my attention.

3.  The Fear Removal Module.  E5 uses v.5 of the FRM, and even E4 made me uncomfortable the first day or so as it began pulling back my fear strongholds.  From my experience on LTU5, it might take some weeks before I can fully relax from imagined fears, but I know signs will start showing that things are shifting in me.  Some reminders and awareness showed up this week already.

But my main focus using E5 is to focus on and heal some major traumas in my life.  I'm grateful Shannon has focused on trauma removal, as symptom removal alone isn't what I truly seek.  I've been dancing around this closure for years now--while using subliminals--so I'm focusing on it now.  It scares me, yes.  But even now (and a lot today), I've needed to let some emotion out.  I'm overdue for it by a long shot.  I wanted to cry today, I found a movie which touched me just enough, and I let some out.  That known and familiar inhibition to emote and change my mental status isn't healthy, so using E5 will help push out my norms of being "stuck" emotionally.  Thank you for keeping that focus, Shannon.

Sidenote: I've read about how OGSF 5.9 will be coming out soon.  And I can intuitively confirm the entangled dance of guilt, shame, and fear, of them being dependent on each other.  I can easily recall losing some fear on past subliminals, and guilt builds steadily (even angrily), seeking and demanding its known "norm", and it'll begin creating thoughts and beliefs to validate its "need" for fear.  (For now though, it's really a "shiny" sub for me.  One focus at a time).

[findingme]

Jan. 28, 2023

Before drinking some coffee this morning, I had a sensation I've had once this past week.  It's that feeling that all the effort I've used to hide from reality constantly isn't working.  I'm on day 3 of a 4-day weekend, and EHPRA has kept me aware this whole time how I keep seeking illusions and falsehoods, which has been a lifestyle norm for me.

My reasons for not pursuing real wealth and relationships? 

It's so damn clear to me right now.  I've not seriously and purposely committed to pursuing anything like that since...... I've sought a fantasy instead.  And I've known it.  I've not sought things that were natural and in my line of sight since ...... things that actually work don't work in my mental fantasies.  And fear has relied upon itself, growing steadily, ultimately making my lifeview become smaller and smaller.

And this is new.  I've been in my "now" often, imagining and fantasizing about living differently.  But.....that's all a fantasy.  Life is lived, not fantasized about non-stop.

I need to go for a walk.

[findingme]

Jan. 29, 2023
Last rest day

I was reading ReconGunner's E5 journal this morning, and something happened during a pause I took.  It's worth noting since I've noticed this before.  I'm trying to be open to truths in my life.

Well, I'd been reading about half an hour already, trying to sit in his shoes and see his perspective.  The main thing I was drawn toward was his truthfulness with himself.  In comparison, due to some strong fear I've held to, that truthfulness (to myself first) has been a major tripping point for me.  Like my internal conversation wants some honesty, but truly is afraid I'll open some doorway perceived as painful and dangerous.  Like it's the end of something from my past  (Did I just write that??)

Well, onto this morning.  I took a break to get some coffee and breakfast, and (away from my laptop) my mind began coming up with truths of my emotional history here, on other forums, and undoubtedly in real life.  I've had this very small tolerance for people getting close to me and some non-productive truths I hang to.  And........it's with males mostly.  I've had this belief "I will be hurt".  People will respond or reach out to me, and an internal fear will rise up, calling on my self-constructed barriers.  In short, they all say "Stay back!  Not interested!  Stay away! Stay away!  Get BACK!!!"

I acted it out before, in every known atmosphere.  I've been living like this for decades, and the awareness is evident since I'm challenging it.

And tagged right with that fear is an old habit that I noticed shortly after that awareness.  I learned that playing weak, clueless, or helpless would invite someone else to fix my problems.  In a sentence, I knew how to play a quiet victim.  Shannon articulated this well when he explained a victim's pattern in Overcome the Victim Mentality, and that is also a strong motivation to choose E5.  I'll be in a challenge seemingly bigger than me, and that choice always shows itself.  "Do I take action, or do I want to act helpless and invite some rescue?"

I've had very positive experiences when using IML subs and realizing "I could DO something else......!"  New thoughts breed new choices which breed new outcomes.  I'll choose that, as the victim mentality breeds a lot (I mean a LOT) of self-doubt.  And doubts bleed into all my daily decisions.  It lowers self-esteem very quickly.



So, I'll leave that here.    I intend to do 2 loops of E5 masked tomorrow before work.  I wake up extra early anyways, so it's nothing new.  I'd like to experiment with hybrid soon enough, but I wish to start slowly and sanely.  I used E4 successfully with masked last week.

[ReconGunner]

Jan. 29, 2023
Last rest day

I was reading ReconGunner's E5 journal this morning, and something happened during a pause I took.  It's worth noting since I've noticed this before.  I'm trying to be open to truths in my life.

Well, I'd been reading about half an hour already, trying to sit in his shoes and see his perspective.  The main thing I was drawn toward was his truthfulness with himself.  In comparison, due to some strong fear I've held to, that truthfulness (to myself first) has been a major tripping point for me.  Like my internal conversation wants some honesty, but truly is afraid I'll open some doorway perceived as painful and dangerous.  Like it's the end of something from my past  (Did I just write that??)

Well, onto this morning.  I took a break to get some coffee and breakfast, and (away from my laptop) my mind began coming up with truths of my emotional history here, on other forums, and undoubtedly in real life.  I've had this very small tolerance for people getting close to me and some non-productive truths I hang to.  And........it's with males mostly.  I've had this belief "I will be hurt".  People will respond or reach out to me, and an internal fear will rise up, calling on my self-constructed barriers.  In short, they all say "Stay back!  Not interested!  Stay away! Stay away!  Get BACK!!!"

I acted it out before, in every known atmosphere.  I've been living like this for decades, and the awareness is evident since I'm challenging it.

And tagged right with that fear is an old habit that I noticed shortly after that awareness.  I learned that playing weak, clueless, or helpless would invite someone else to fix my problems.  In a sentence, I knew how to play a quiet victim.  Shannon articulated this well when he explained a victim's pattern in Overcome the Victim Mentality, and that is also a strong motivation to choose E5.  I'll be in a challenge seemingly bigger than me, and that choice always shows itself.  "Do I take action, or do I want to act helpless and invite some rescue?"

I've had very positive experiences when using IML subs and realizing "I could DO something else......!"  New thoughts breed new choices which breed new outcomes.  I'll choose that, as the victim mentality breeds a lot (I mean a LOT) of self-doubt.  And doubts bleed into all my daily decisions.  It lowers self-esteem very quickly.



So, I'll leave that here.    I intend to do 2 loops of E5 masked tomorrow before work.  I wake up extra early anyways, so it's nothing new.  I'd like to experiment with hybrid soon enough, but I wish to start slowly and sanely.  I used E4 successfully with masked last week.

I'm glad my journal is helpful! E5 is good stuff.

[findingme]

I do find your journal helpful Recongunner. As in real life, sometimes someone is talking, almost rambling, and if one pays attention, a lot of their true self-beliefs start popping up. That one sentence I wrote ("Did I just write that?") is what I'm talking about. In what I referred to, I realize(d) there's still simple things I'm holding on to, but they hold so much intensity that I'm unaware of them fully until I just open my mouth or start writing.

So that's why I liked your journal. It tapped into my own secrets I keep hidden from myself. Thank you for that.

[ReconGunner]

I do find your journal helpful Recongunner.  As in real life, sometimes someone is talking, almost rambling, and if one pays attention, a lot of their true self-beliefs start popping up.  That one sentence I wrote ("Did I just write that?") is what I'm talking about.  In what I referred to, I realize(d) there's still simple things I'm holding on to, but they hold so much intensity that I'm unaware of them fully until I just open my mouth or start writing.

So that's why I liked your journal.  It tapped into my own secrets I keep hidden from myself.  Thank you for that.

That's why we're all here, on these forums, and in life overall - to help each other. I'm glad I could.

[findingme]

I'll report that E4 really opened me up.  I cleaned up my kitchen--because I sense now that I've been avoiding finishing things.  Not finishing things links me into shame and powerlessness, a norm used to hide and not move out of this "safe" (stuck) place.  So I cleaned up. 

I got all my stuff ready for work tomorrow.  Then I decided to not make tomorrow's listening all clustered and jobbled up (not a word) so I downloaded Audacity and made an hour-long recording of silence.  I put 5 loops of that before 2 loops of E5.  So I'll listen to masked while I'm sleeping.

.....and I actually came to write since I still heavily feel a need to express, to get something out.  That's a growing need in me.  I had imagined turning on some old sappy movie to match my mood.  All so I could get a good cry on.  If E4 (and now E5) open me up like this, I welcome it.  I've been standing here stuck too long.

[findingme]

Jan. 30, 2023
Cycle 1, Day 1

It worked like I planned this morning. And E5 is definitely working since I felt afraid to acknowledge my feelings to myself. I woke up, habitually seeking some fantasy world (meaning no emotional pain).....and that wasn't working for me. I hung in bed just a little longer, finally bowing to coffee, my main chemical distraction.

I'm kind of glad E5's working. Sitting in pain that's not budging is a slow torture. (Still feeling it, using words to hint at present pain)

Heading in to work early as well. Got a text I'm needed to run a route. Seriously, I'm losing that security of hiding any second I want to. And maybe, just maybe, that's good.

[findingme]

Jan. 31, 2023
Cycle 1, Day 2

I just got finished doing everything I needed to do so I'm ready for work tomorrow.  Now, this is not my norm.  I've never been so adamant about being ready EVER.  I'll know I should do this, do that, prep this, etc., and I usually do some of it.  However,  something in E5 woke up today, and it's hanging on.

I was working with a coworker today, and he's about 20 years my junior.  A good guy, he's been married 10 years already, but I began getting irritated by him seemingly dragging out our day (he was driving all day and I was on the back, so his speed determined whether we finished or not).  He was on his phone a lot, even while driving.  But why would this irritate me so?  Some drivers I've worked with did this non-stop, but something was different (in my thinking).

When I began imagining sharing my frustration with him, I saw it.  I wanted to be finished.  And he was somewhere else mentally.  So why?  Why was I getting pissed off?  I finally saw and felt it, and it was E5 allowing me to see my dragged-out emotional healing projected onto his on-and-off driving momentum.  I did NOT want to waste any time.  Each 5-20 second delay (him finishing a text at each stop) seemed LOUD and useless to me.  I was projecting my shit all over him.  So, of course, I never told him about it.

And maybe the beginning of that came in the morning.  Early in the work day I had this imagined "now" moment, feeling and seeing myself being loved and loving with anyone around me.  I felt so joyful and happy that I could move and breathe while being free from the emotional lead weights that I'd called "normal".  I think it was the most awesome 30 seconds I've ever experienced

I've never had this need for completion before.  I'm thinking it's Shannon's insistence in the script that we work to actually face ourselves and our histories.  To not drag out our healing.  Because....damn, I'm still fired up.

[findingme]

Feb. 1, 2023
Cycle 1, Day 3

I had an interaction at the end of my workday which still has me spinning.  Some others just began OGSF 5.9, and this scenario hit me with guilt, shame, and fear directly.  I'm staying on E5 though.

I just spent a 3rd day working for a man who's out sick, and we worked later than normal.  We didn't finish everything, and my driver was telling our one female manager he was bothered since we didn't finish.  

I was just finishing signing out, and the female manager gave me that blaming look, which made me feel shame.  I never said anything, but I purposely don't interact with her since she's always holding a verbal dagger in her hand.  I easily owned her shaming, doing it automatically, like it was "my fault", though I worked my ass off.  It wasn't my fault.

She didn't ask what we faced, she just threw blame.  She pissed me off, but it took a few minutes once I'd vacated.  

This saddens me, scares me (since it's like a weak spot in my emotional armor)--and it instantly reminded me of my mom.  Always blaming, always shaming.  All I ever wanted was love.  And just like today, I'd agree with her accusations, hoping she'd love me because I agreed with her.  This never happened.  Ever.  My mom was emotionally unwell, and this childhood experience still has me feeling vulnerable and weak.

I thought I should share this for my own sake.  I was hit low, and I quickly flashed back to believing I was bad, unloveable, and unwanted.  That's what was rough. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

And a bit of hope just came to me.  Tomorrow starts my rest days, and I usually bloom on my rest days.  I'll see what happens blooming on E5 

[Z-Man]

Feb. 1, 2023
Cycle 1, Day 3

I had an interaction at the end of my workday which still has me spinning.  Some others just began OGSF 5.9, and this scenario hit me with guilt, shame, and fear directly.  I'm staying on E5 though.

I just spent a 3rd day working for a man who's out sick, and we worked later than normal.  We didn't finish everything, and my driver was telling our one female manager he was bothered since we didn't finish.  

I was just finishing signing out, and the female manager gave me that blaming look, which made me feel shame.  I never said anything, but I purposely don't interact with her since she's always holding a verbal dagger in her hand.  I easily owned her shaming, doing it automatically, like it was "my fault", though I worked my ass off.  It wasn't my fault.

She didn't ask what we faced, she just threw blame.  She pissed me off, but it took a few minutes once I'd vacated.  

This saddens me, scares me (since it's like a weak spot in my emotional armor)--and it instantly reminded me of my mom.  Always blaming, always shaming.  All I ever wanted was love.  And just like today, I'd agree with her accusations, hoping she'd love me because I agreed with her.  This never happened.  Ever.  My mom was emotionally unwell, and this childhood experience still has me feeling vulnerable and weak.

I thought I should share this for my own sake.  I was hit low, and I quickly flashed back to believing I was bad, unloveable, and unwanted.  That's what was rough. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

And a bit of hope just came to me.  Tomorrow starts my rest days, and I usually bloom on my rest days.  I'll see what happens blooming on E5 

I been there brother. My mother was just unavailable to me. It wasn't my job to make her happy. You are good, lovable and wanted. I am glad you are on the healing journey. Do this for you and your soul. Screw that bitch at work. This temperamental women.

[findingme]

Thank you Zman. It's good to know I'm not alone here.

[findingme]

Feb. 3, 2023
1st Cycle, 2nd rest day

I had 2 experiences showing E5 is quite active yesterday.  I both wanted and didn't want to write this morning--as guilt, shame, and fear have been trying to put me back in old places.  Hell no.

I had a major mental shift happen yesterday while at work.  I suddenly became quite hostile to being dismissed and looked down upon due to me having chosen to not move up in my company.  I began seeing and feeling a lot of this from the head boss on down, and I quickly became aware how much I'd dismissed it and rationalized it away.  In short, I felt I'd finally grown some nads after allowing judgments and pity for so long.  It was assertiveness with a kick.  No damage to relationships or my job, though I imagined telling the boss and others I was done a few times.

I'm just tired of accepting shit treatment.  Me taking action is a cure for that.  And while I was feeling this all yesterday, I was imagining me not being the walked-on Nice Guy anymore.  I know you put new goals in Shannon, so thank you!

Secondly, I had an experience at home which was strange and awesome.

I wanted to watch a movie so I could hide in a fantasy, a romance flick.  When I saw the title, I recognized it, but could not remember anything about it (and I actually watched this about 2 weeks back).  I started it, and it was unfamiliar.  My normal mental happening is that when I remember that mental feel-good feeling, I'll hang on to it and hide in it.  But this never happened.  And I noticed it.

I slowly began remembering the plot, but very slowly.  My normal mentality when seeking to hide is just that.  My mind was not in the same place at all.  While writing this I'm realizing I've been desperate to hide out from life for years, and E5 is not allowing this full-time fantasy.  I'm still experiencing this detaching from fantasy now, so explaining more seems fruitless.  But major changes are happening in my life.

Gotta get up now and get ready for work.  I have no idea what to expect

[findingme]

Feb. 3, 2023 (cont.)

I think I'm seeing what E5 is doing.

A short while ago I was watching the end of this movie, and I felt myself trying to reimmerse myself in someone else's reality. I tried numerous times while watching it, all unsuccessfully, and I've done that since childhood.

What I realized is E5 is letting me see how attached I've been to such fantasies, and when I imagined letting some go, it felt strangely empowering. I wasn't riddled with pain and desperation. No, it was closer to peace and purpose. I think my mind has created those bad emotional states to hang on to that perception of "truth".

Also, I felt Overcome the Victim Mentality when imagining writing this (15 minutes back). MUCH of my imagined writings share some form of "I can't....", and since that whining isn't working (even in my imagination), I've been forced to look at other ways to relate to people, both here and in real life. My biggest reason for holding onto this pain-making strategy is all fear connected. And OF has been busy.

1 more rest day. Not sure what to expect, and I'm kind of glad.