Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

Feb. 14, 2023
1st day of Cycle 3

I woke up feeling both fear and relief, so the FRM is active.  I dreamed some, and I realize that fear has always suppressed memory of dreams.  My dreams last night weren't dramatic or pointing at major points in my life.  No, it is different to remember dreaming in my life.

I noticed this clearly back in 2017 when I used OGSF 5G.  Others were often reporting significant dreams, and I barely ever remembered dreaming.  My entire life I've been like that.  But one dream still is remembered as I sit here.  My main boss has always led by fear and a cold hand with people.  I'd often feel like a small child when around him, minding myself so I'd not slip and possibly be punished (my emotional understanding).

In the dream, I faced him, and that too-well-known fear was not present.  At all.  I was looking at him, even trying to pull up the (mis)understandings and fear, but no.  It never surfaced.  I woke up thinking "WOW! That was awesome!!"  Living without even a fraction of my normal fear is life-altering.  

And this is the foundation E5 is creating.  Living without fear pushing me this way and that.  I'm sure it'll take a while, but even those little releases are so completely worth it.  


And a reality check.  I learned somewhere else that major healing would bring with it normal grieving.  I've lived by the same beliefs and feelings I'm looking to remove.  Those ill-working adaptations have been "me".  I sensed a little sadness in me after that last paragraph, so maybe the FRM is doing much more than I'm fully aware of.  This is good.  Feeling fear and relief at the same time means a clearing out is active right now.

[findingme]

Feb. 15, 2o23
2nd day of the 3rd cycle

I added a 3rd loop yesterday and this morning, and I'm noticing positive changes.  For one, just 5 minutes ago, after imagining over and over again what I'd write, I had this powerful voice rise up in me, saying "who the hell are YOU?"  I'd been trying to hide my truths--from me--and this was a loud wakeup call. It reminded me of my early days on Universal Detox, as it exposed my BS to myself.  I felt UD early on when using E4, but fear has distracted me numerous times.  UD doesn't lie, and it speaks up when I lie.

The question above is a followup to a regular uncomfortableness I've experienced using E5.  I've experienced so much fear over being vulnerable, and I've often BS'd myself, which tanks my confidence quickly.  More pronounced lately is a clear awareness that I'm the only one I'm really trying to BS.  I think if I hide from myself, you won't see me.  And that's how a young child thinks.  That's what I've used for so long.

But it doesn't feel good.  It defies confidence and self-esteem.  I have no real desire to keep doing this.  I was never sure UD would show itself in force like I'd experienced doing it solo, or when I used LTU5.  Lots of admitting mistakes happened on both, which was both freeing and scary, but I'd gladly do again.  Because sharing my truth is freeing.  It cleared out the lies to myself, which made life extremely easy.  Tears flowed some, as I was releasing a well-used survival tactic.

I'm desiring some of that.  I'll see what changes show today.

[findingme]

Feb. 16, 2023
3rd listening day

I dreamed a lot last night.  Nothing that stuck with me, but I had a long, restful sleep last night.

I feel like I'm beginning to experience something I've only heard of my whole life.  2ce in the last 24 hours I've actually tried to face some fears.  My whole life I've felt defeated before even trying.  Fear would grab me, and I'd go no farther.  Fear has always had the last say, and it's been the decider for anything and everything. 

But yesterday E5 was working on me after lunch (I had a nap during lunch, so that may have opened me up).  I was working alone and began imagining all kinds of situations where I was the victim of coworker's attitudes and cold choices.  I was desperately looking for some bad situation to "surrender" to (an old norm of mine), and I questioned it.  I knew I was pasting my attitudes and beliefs on others again--but the internal battle wouldn't die easily.  I knew since starting on 3 loops that bigger changes were happening, and I kept feeling emotional roots in there.  And upon feeling the fear, I didn't want to submit to it.  That was the first time I've done this while being fully conscious of it.  I had a great desire to face this down, to face the fear.  And I'm experiencing that......right now.

I was flush with feelings upon waking up, so I sat with it.  I knew writing helps me.  It exposes me.  I'm here now since I'm facing a fear of being vulnnerable.  My main core traumas occurred with males, and ....tears just came for me.  This same fear was active yesterday after lunch, as those imaginations all involved male coworkers (or the boss).  Those people I've essentially given power over to.  I was mad since I needed and expected love, but was imagining feeling discarded. 

That's all very similar to my trauma experiences. 

I'm going to let this cook in me.  Impatiently stirring uncooked food doesn't speed up a good meal (emotional healing), so I'm going to pull off.  Gotta get ready for work now.

[findingme]

I became very aware of me holding on to victim thinking, both today and right now, as I write.  I'm seeing it nearly everytime I want to share something.  In short, I'm seeing something that feels like a weakness, and the good news is I'm actually seeing it. 

I see how I'm wishing to share, but I'm emotionally aware that a traumatized part of me has been literally crying out for a rescue.  That's how I've been since childhood.  The traumatized boy I see and feel is very young.

I've spent most of my life dodging and hiding from this, like it's shameful. 

Playing a victim requires a saviour (usually someone else), but even now I have compassion for the little boy I abandoned.  Seeking outside support via playing the victim is utterly disempowering.  And doing that deflates confidence instantly.  But I should be ok handling this. Part of me even knows I'll be ok.    

To summarize all I just wrote, the FRM is moving through my brain, finding connections, and having me see things I've held down with fear.

[findingme]

Feb. 18, 2023
2nd rest day

I had quite a dramatic morning in my head, even on day 2 of my 3-day rest.

A week back my sister included me in on a birthday dinner planned for tonight (Saturday the 18th), and I agreed to it.  But while starting work this morning, I actually began thinking about it.  Something hit me hard, so that's why it stayed on my mind.  I realized it'd be me, her, her daughter, and her ex-boyfriend, which is no big deal.  But she was just proposed to by her new boyfriend, and she said yes.  However, her ex is clueless to her even having a boyfriend, which thickens the plot.

What I envisioned was not unlike my growing-up years, completely filled with fear and an imminent threat of verbal slice and dice if we somehow.....were ourselves.  Something in my brain said "F*** NO!!  Not doing that!"  FYI, I texted her saying I was bowing out.  I just said I was not in a good spot today.

Now, I've blamed my sister numerous times for her bad attitudes.  But near the end of my work shift, I owned the truth that I am carrying resentments, and THAT'S why I get anxious and angry when thinking about spending time with her.  Though her resentments are on full display any time of the day, my resentments are hidden from myself most of the time.  She mirrors something back which makes me anxious.  So, I wondered why I was resentful

First, I've been a fearful yes-man to her a lot in our adult years.  She's always used fear of her getting angry to eke compliance out of me.  This morning, that "HELL NO!!" came up out of my heart and soul.  The same dysfunction of fear and manipulation used by my mom is used by my sister, and re-entering that fricked-up reality is not something I'm willing to do.

Secondly, I also realized I've complied due to a very common fear for yes-men: a fear of being abandoned.  Yes-men are famous for saying yes since it alleviates that fear.  I felt fear, anger, and some grief beforehand, but I bowed out.  I just didn't want to mindf*** myself.

And concerning resentments, why do I have them?  I easily saw why.  Because I have had expectations of her.  I've been failed numerous times, but they still exist.  I expect her to be nice (she isn't), I expect her to be loving (no there too), and anything warm and caring.  Nope.  Nada.  And she's not the problem!

My expectations are.  They keep me embittered.  They invite cynicism about others being loving.  Damn unrealistic expectations.  It puts ALL the power in her hands.  They remind me of other expectations not met, both new and old.  (Note to @Shannon: could "not holding unreasonable expectations of others" be put into Self Improvement?)

This is an all-or-nothing mentality.  Right or Wrong.  Good or Bad.  No middle ground.  No grey area at all.  And maybe.....it's a reaction from trauma, like trauma memories all point to all-or-nothing solutions, but often don't work.  They often keep me avoiding it, ignoring it, or blaming others to put the focus on them and not myself.   I'm thinking my trauma memories are real fresh when around her.


I'll stop there for now.

[findingme]

Feb. 19, 2023
3rd rest day

I'm experiencing a inner dislike of hiding from things I normally hide from and avoid. Some part of me equates it with emotional pain, and it doesn't want that.

[findingme]

Feb. 20, 2o23
1st listening day 

I'm thinking of Shannon's words on AOL.  Unlike most other IML subs, he says to not steer it, not push it to your own desires, and to not seek certain results.  The sub will work with your natural desires and eventually open results which were quite unexpected. 

Since my fearful control has snafu'd a host of personal desires and goals throughout life, I really like this approach to let go of the results. 

I'm definitely not on AOL, but following those same instructions with E5 takes a load off of me.    I woke up after dreaming a bit last night, feeling quite relaxed.  For a few short minutes, I let go of the growing fear of rejection since I knew I'd write this morning.  Letting go of that control and submitting to an unexplained peace is desirable; peace is what I need.

E5 is taking me directions I'd never predicted.  Yesterday I experienced an all-day aversion to hiding in fantasies.  And this morning it's leading me to peace.  Very unexpected.

I'm gonna let go for a while.

Edit: not AOL. This was on Attract Romantic Love

[findingme]

Feb. 21, 2023

E5 began bringing some uncomfortableness today.  I've not really wanted to share this, but avoiding major issues does not feel right.

I worked with a guy today, and maybe due to E5, I had not even a thought of brotherly associations.  And then, around 10AM, that awareness came.  I began feeling anxious.  i'd unconciously been opening my heart some, as there was a bit of healthy verbal sparring going on.  And when the trauma feelings started surfacing, I tried following what came up in me, like new thought patterns.  Nothing negative forced its way out of me, and damn, he even bought lunch for us and had it delievered to our shop.

Nothing came between us.......but as the day ended I felt tired, as I could feel E5 working on something.  I came home and was soon in bed.  I turned on loops, and my 3rd is still running now.  When I first began i sensed a nonverbal part of me being very fearful.  I felt my stomach muscles tensing up, yet my conscious mind was not running this.

I'll look back for a few minutes and reflect on today.  I had tears pop up while working near him in the morning.  I don't even know why, but they came up and I released them.  i still sense they were connected to something much deeper.  The tears were from something lost.  It lasted maybe 15 seconds max, but I felt it.

Something else happened yesterday with another guy I see everyday.  I've spent the last 2 Thanksgivings with him and his family.  Both times I've taken home the turkey carcass, and I pulled a ton of meat off which I use for my crockpot meals.  I came to work yesterday, and he told me he had a surprise.  It was another carcass, and I pulled off a ton of meat (and fat--where all the flavor comes from).  That act sat with me, softening me some.  

Yeah, this is definitely E5 working.  Opportunities popping up to allow healing.  This has been a very rich week so far.

[findingme]

Feb. 23, 2023
1st rest day

E5 is pretty active in me, but on what I'm unsure.  i've considered writing the last 2 days, but it felt real tender and my normal writing could not be done.  "Normal" meaning throwing quick disconnected responses up.  I wouldn't do it.

My confindence is being challenged.

I've spent my entire life making sure people liked me, thought well of me, and accepted me.  That "normal' life feels very untruthful, even having me wonder who the hell I am yesterday and what I stand for.  No answers have been found, but finding those answers isn't what my mind and heart are searching for.  It's wanting to free itself from the noose of lies I'm living out.  That reality is feeling like it's crumbling.

I'm feeling uncomfortable in this reality, but since it's used as a shield from life, I know this is good.  It feels like Universal Detox with trauma clearing, and that's hit a new fear.

I'm gonna stop.  More whining is creeping up, but i wanted to admit some stuff.

P.S.  I'm considering going to ultrasonic next cycle.  i've been listening to masked loops, and it keeps me awake some nights since I listen from midnight on.  US will allow me to listen when going to bed since there's no audible sound.  I also expect it to have more push vs. masked.

[findingme]

Feb. 23, 2023 (cont.)

I've had this lingering melancholy in me most of the day, and it was on my mind a bit. 

(just had an awareness pop up)

This morning I admitted to trying to have people like me and think well of me, and damn...... I don't treat myself with self-like and love.  Every single time I come here, I come with hopes and weak expectations of someone else liking me.  

I'm seeing myself in a boxing ring, and I'm sitting on my butt, exhausted and feeling defeated from my last attempt at acquiring someone else's esteem of me.  I see another form of myself, just outside the ring, but he's doing what I'm doing here: trying to be and look right so he'll be loved. His attention is always on other's perception of him.  The guy in the ring is the little me inside (trying) to do it all alone.  This is only done by putting up WALLS to REALITY.  Not being free and spontaneous. And the me on the outside doesn't want to face the reality that he's living for something so entirely fickle as acceptance by others.  That's he's abandoned and purposely ignored his other parts, playing a life-sucking game with others.  But he's afraid he'll be abandoned again, so he ignores the memories of past pain any way he can find.   That's why he's ignoring little me.  Others can see this, and they know they can only help so much, or it'd suck them dry.

That's all me.  A hurt me who feels abandoned, and a hurt me jumping from this distraction to that one, day in and day out.  Yeah, I'm bummed today.  E5's been digging up crap, and I'm putting a lot of effort to avoid it.  I feel scared and in pain.  I can't find my normal escapes, as they're not working at all.

I want to grieve physically.  Fear's been holding it back.

(Another revelation came): I'm used to waiting, desiring, and hoping.  Taking action was never on my to-do list.   It was a very passive, (safe) approach.

I'm thinking of something I did 6 years back on E2, and it helped.  To open myself for Step 4 (I was doing a 12-step study) I drove to my old elementary school, and I walked back to our old home (major traumas there), about a 2-mile distance each way.  I had a notebook, and I wrote every name that came to mind: old friends, teachers, neighbors, church members, anybody at all.  While doing that, I grieved since each person had their own related or unrelated experiences with me.  So I felt a lot.  And the walking helped work out the stress.

I thought it was the dumbest (meaning most demanding) assignment I'd taken on in 12-step work.  However, it healed me a bit since I'd done it.  Going through the 4 mile walk (since I had to walk back to my car) allowed me to loosen up a lot of resisted truths.  

I'll admit that even now and in the last few minutes, I'm trying to not remember this.  Since I faced a whole lot of uncomfortable feelings doing that walk.


Am I willing to do this again?  Thinking about it never changed anything.  It only created more fears.  Doing it was the victory.

[ReconGunner]

I want to offer some encouragement. I see you have a good attitude toward what is happening, even though its hard. That is both a part of what E5 does, and something you need to keep you going through the rest of what E5 does. Take heart and stay with it.

Like you said. "Doing it [is] the victory."

[findingme]

I want to offer some encouragement. I see you have a good attitude toward what is happening, even though its hard. That is both a part of what E5 does, and something you need to keep you going through the rest of what E5 does. Take heart and stay with it.

Like you said. "Doing it [is] the victory."

Thank you ReconGunner.  I agree with sticking with it, having experienced fruit multiple times on the other end of pain and fear I've experienced.  This has been going deeper than expected.

For example, right now I'm still holding this tense ball in my throat, which shows fear and reluctance to grieve.  And I've used multiple emotional healing subs from multiple places through the years.  Having grown discouraged from not moving (OR I faced a strong fear which wouldn't budge), I'd pull off and give myself hell for pulling off.

The module in E5 to not pull off to avoid healing is loud right now, and it simultaneously offers me a peace.  I'm not sure where I'm going, but I know how it feels to pull off, and that only means pain and self-derision.  I'm staying on in large part due to that peace.

[findingme]

Feb. 26, 2023
2nd listening day

E5 is definitely working on me, making me feel and believe I'm worthless lately.  For me, this isn't new or shocking.  My life has been steered by feeling unworthy of love, much less self-love.  I think E5's just working on it now, in force.  Thank God.

I listened to ultrasonic yesterday for the first time yesterday, and it felt quiet in me most of the 4 hours.  However, somewhere around hour 3 I suddenly was hit with a sad feeling, and I cried some.  No clear connections, but I've had stronger desires for relationships (my family and friends).  Something was healing in me yesterday, and it's still working in me.

To share another new awareness 15 minutes back, I pulled up a movie to watch, but listening to my heart, I felt pulled here to be honest.  So I came here instead.  Here's what was different:  when I imagined sharing my heart, I immediately distanced myself so I could feel safe.  Often times I'm already pulled back, so I write quickly before fear finds its bearings and reignites a mental war with myself.  It's trying to keep me "safe", but "safe" feels like hell, so I'm pursuing true hope and healing instead.

That war is resuming in my head and heart now.  (That right there is why it takes me 30 minutes to write a 5-minute message.)  I tend to lock up as inner fear fights to hang on.  It's moments like now when I often turn to victim thinking.  "Poor me....."  I just saw this in me, so I'm sharing it.  Victim thinking was used heavily when around people--and I'm remembering my early 20's right now.  i'd met some guys, and 3 of us rented a house together.  They felt like brothers to me.  Old fears continually tried to rise, so I distanced my heart some--while also grieving something.  I wanted to overwrite or demolish my actual memories with an illusion of a "perfect family".  The grieving came on since I was trying to sweep away parts of myself.  I ended up feeling helpless to my fears.  And it bred a powerlessness in me, like I "needed" help from others.  The manipulation is what pisses me off.  Someday, oh someday this will not run my life.  

I am still trying to do this, mostly when fear screams at me.  However, I'm finding I don't make my best choices when I'm afraid.  The mental and emotional maturity are kicking in and helping me make saner decsions, one by one.

This is a good day.

Edit: I felt a rush of shame the instant I posted this. I considered erasing it so I'd not be in conflict with myself. That shame is why I've hidden from countless life challenges, which means this affects me each and every day. BTW, I found IML in 2016 since I was seeking subliminals to deal with shame. I bought and used OGSF 5G for a spell.

[findingme]

Feb. 28, 2023
3rd listening day

I am experiencing changes unlike I've ever really allowed or experienced.  I've usually posted in a (slightly aware) mindset of finding my normal comfort zone, and then just spilling my thoughts.

I just don't want to do that.  It's comparable to me basically living on a running track. I'll sprint 50 meters, feel successful and good about myself, but immediately do a U-turn to return to that original starting point.  I'll do the same thing over and over to feel some sense of accomplishment.  Sounds like good running advice, but staying in this same mindset demands a lot of rigidity in me.  It even communicates to others that need to do it too, so it keeps many distant from me due to this (we all prefer some level of spontaneity, in truth).  I'm still very fearful of old feelings coming up, and this is why life is on this perpetual loop.  

That's why I'm not writing so frequently.  I'm trusting this dislike of my norm, as I've usually just fallen back into it.  Something in me is keeping me from doing it.  I'm kind of blind in it, but I'm trusting that good mental changes are growing in me.



I did have one thing pop up today.  I became aware I was stuck in this fear cycle, all subconsciously.  it had me remembering my LTU5 run, as this same feeling arose.  I'd been on LTU5 a couple of months, and one day I began seeing how EVERY decision, whether big or small, was steered by fear.  Me realizing that made me open my eyes to see how I'd set people in these predictable, restricted frames.  I was projecting my fear on others, and I'd been doing this forever.  It felt somewhat similar today.

And to be tested (I say this after today's events), I found myself goofing bad on the job late in the day, specifics unimportant.  But I did take action to remedy it, being honest with myself and others.  No manipulating for sympathy or hand-holding.  So, change is happening, and I'm liking it since this difference feels more like freedom.  I'll take that.