Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

Feb. 7, 2023

Due to computer troubles, I've not been able to write lately.  It booted up correctly today.  And when trying to log in on my phone, that didn't work either.

I'm finishing my 3rd listening day, so rest tomorrow.  I feel low today.  E5 is stalling my normal BS of avoiding myself.

And what's on my mind was a point I saw in a movie I watched last weekend.  This guy and girl were great together...but he kept a lot to himself.  It's learned soon enough that he was ashamed of his background, being raised in a very strict, very conservative family.  When he finally shared, it made perfect sense to the girl why he'd held back.

I've felt bad since I'm seeing myself keeping everyone at bay.  When I have shared something about my family, I tend to keep this wall around my heart and mind so others won't hurt me.  Family doesn't have associations of love and closeness.  It never did.  The actual truth is more fear, loneliness, and for me, a longing to be loved and loveable. 

I felt low today also since I dissociate my feelings from myself.  I can normally go up to people, put on a smile, and initiate some conversation.  The low came since I felt like I wanted a relationship with myself, and today I realized I was habitually excluding myself when talking with others.  I felt empty, like everything I know about love is false.  It's not really working.

I've survived by distancing myself, and keeping that wall up full-time seems to be losing any meaning right now.  It has me feeling low since I feel like I'm losing the battle.

And just yesterday I felt walls beginning to crumble.  Nothing drastic at all.  But I could feel some things crumbling internally.  I'm hanging on.  I remember E2 showing different layers as time went on, and those next layers often made me forget the rough days I experienced.  OF is doing a lot of clearing right now, and most of the sub's energy must be working on that.  One day at a time.

[findingme]

Feb. 9, 2023
2nd rest day

OGSF in E5 is working in me, as my super critical supervisor has been getting under my skin. It touches something deep in me, and it reminds me of believing I'm powerless.

I just realized something while writing. When young, I always relied on my older brother much more than normal. When he left suddenly in his teens, I believed I was powerless for a time.

My supervisor projecting his mental drama on me makes me feel responsible for his poor outlook and moods. I go there first out of habit, ultimately blaming myself.

Seriously, when I was younger I took full ownership of this mess. Noone ever questioned my thinking since noone asked. So my present confusion is from self-blame and powerless on one side, and growing awareness of pain and anger on the other.

That's where I am today.

Thankfully, I sense some resolution in this. OF is breaking past the fear that’s kept this in place.

[findingme]

Feb. 10, 2023

I just looked at my last posts and realized I skipped the last 2 days and listened.  I'll restart a rest period due to that.

My last 2 days have been good, and E5 showed up both days.  I came home from work yesterday to find my outside entry door for my room was locked, and I never lock it (haven't done so since I've been here).  It's behind a high gate in a quiet neighborhood.  Small town.

Yesterday a realtor came to show the house for possible buyers, and I let him know the door would be unlocked.  I didn't say to keep it unlocked, but they locked it.  Short story is the realtor came by and used an old card in his wallet to open my door.  I thanked him, and then mentioned that everything worked out quite well today.

That's when he replied that he liked my attitude given this little scenario.  It was then that I realized Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude in E5 was executing, and it made me feel really good.  I could really feel the positivity in me, and I welcome it.  It feels great.


And today I was in a rather unique situation, doing deliveries with a sweet girl since it was offered.  At the beginning of my day, I was a little nervous--about me possibly sabotaging a healthy relationship by doing or saying something stupid or mean.  I felt that in my emotions, and I was wary.

But something popped up in E5 which I've not felt since E2.  While using E2 back in 2016(?) I used to chat on IG with this woman crypto miner I was working with.  I would be emotionally honest and real with her, and it warmed the conversations.  I found it easy to talk with her, but the keyboard chatting limited it.  She was a sweet woman, and I never thought of her like that much (I felt extremely immature).  I learned from her sister a couple of years later that she had fallen in love with me.  Ah, E2 influenced this relationship.

And today....I felt that same feeling of not being so guarded and defensive around my female coworker.  I found myself being willing to stay on a topic, even to where I shared 2 or 3 times during the day that I didn't know how to respond.  I'd have thoughts about what she said, but my first reaction I feared would be too weird or inappropriate.  But instead of sitting in shame or fear, I'd admit my hesitancy, and it kept the conversation flowing.  I'm not sure what specifically is working, but I think it's a combination of modules working together.

The best part of today came closer to the end when I realized that defensive emotional bite I've kept everyone away with does not have to be given so much power and importance.  I've thought relationships consisted of being guarded non-stop.  The fear in me has dictated it to me almost my whole life.  But today.....I kind of lost my grip on it, and it was beautiful. 

E5 is breaking me down, and it's not ALL painful  There's some good stuff in there.

[findingme]

Feb. 11, 2023

Something happened just minutes ago and I'm going to share it. In my last post I shared that that defensive (resentful) bite in me was losing power. Some came back up this morning.

I've been up a while and have been looking to chill. What I've actually looked for was some place to hide out mentally. I read a news site I frequent for a while, but only so much of that is tolerable.  I finally thought of watching a romance flick, a normal hideout for me.

And when I pulled up a flick I wanted to watch, I felt that resentful bite in my gut. I'm going to just spit out my thoughts now.

I'm seeing my mom in the house where my brother left. I was around 12 years old. I distinctly feel and remember me pushing down my own needs to.....wow....earn her love. In the exact same way I still do today (with EVERYBODY), I was loving her first, praying and pretending she'd love me back. It never worked.

That resentment is still alive. I'm thinking of yesterday working with my female coworker. I was treating her like I treated my mom. My resentment popped up early in the morning, and it scared me.

I felt it, and the fear overrode my logic. Fear has always suppressed my truth. So I followed her script a lot.

That's why I've been "nice" to everybody. I just haven't trusted it. There are always expectations for others to give, and it's a rigged, losing game. Resentments always bubble up, and I distance myself from those individuals.

I need to process this.

[findingme]

I know this is fear at work, trying to keep me in old and familiar ways.

I'm on Day 1 of a 3-day rest. I experienced a rough Day 1 on my first rest period.

[racktree]

I know this is fear at work, trying to keep me in old and familiar ways.

I'm on Day 1 of a 3-day rest. I experienced a rough Day 1 on my first rest period.

Thank you for verifying. Just wanted to let you know, I just kept a similar note for my personal offline journal... both Day 1 rest days were tougher than actual listening days.

[findingme]

Yeah. I experienced this with new IML subs in the past. USLM v.3 was rough during the first few rest periods.

LTU5 seemed easy compared to the rest, but it had Self Esteem in it, which helped me not bottom out.

OGSF 5.9 has a Self Esteem module in it, and I read someone's post recently where its affects were quite noticeable. SE changes one's perspective quite nicely.

[ReconGunner]

I think EHPRA is an overlooked and sometimes underrated sub. E5 is powerful, especially when it comes to getting at the roots of your problems and helping you process them.

[findingme]

I think EHPRA is an overlooked and sometimes underrated sub. E5 is powerful, especially when it comes to getting at the roots of your problems and helping you process them.

I agree that it's overlooked and underrated.  Wholeheartedly.  I was made aware of its effectiveness while using E2 in the past.  While yes, E5 is a healing sub, meaning anyone might experience emotional distress from time to time, the EHPRA series has a lot of emotional and mental supports, and those supports are my main reasons I'm on it.  Because healing can be very demanding and confusing, at best.  Shannon realized this, and scripted some solutions. I'll list some supports I lean on.

--Overcome the Victim Mindset: something I've always valued.  I grew up seeing people seeking to escape responsibility by playing the victim.  I did so too.  I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to use this, as all it creates is unhappiness for people.  OTVM eliminates this as an option in my thinking.

--Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude: I saw and felt this loudly in my final months of using E2.  One day I found myself smiling and I didn't even realize it.  But the people I was around were kind of shocked.  Why would someone on a healing sub be so happy?  PTPA did this, and it feels fantastic when executing.  I felt it just 2 weeks in with E5.

--A sense of hope is scripted in there.  Without this, life seems dull and hopeless.  With hope, I have reason to pursue good changes in my life.

--Not seeking others' acceptance or permission to heal: I pulled back from unhealthy family members with unrealistic expectations.  I loved this while on E2.  

--Fear Removal: on E2, it constantly deflected fear, but once I came off E2, they slowly returned.  Persistent buggers they are.  I'm only almost 3 weeks in, but even direct fear battles aren't so debilitating.  Having that sense of hope alongside helps tremendously.

--A deservedness for healing.  When all I've ever witnessed and practiced was dismissing my needs and wants, this sets a brand new standard.  To be blunt, now "I can heal".

--OGSF: I know this isn't the 5.9 level of power, but having it coupled with removing traumas makes me really, really appreciative of its aim.  It allows healing.


I know I haven't faced some tough battles yet, but the increased intensity on trauma healing is felt.  E2's intensity was much lighter, which is why I'm on the latest release.  Shannon's commitment to it achieving its goal is greatly appreciated by me. 

And as of this writing, I think E5 is still laying the foundation, which I accept and encourage.  To put meat to this statement, today I had both flowing tears, sorrow over some mistakes and passivity, and also an increasing joy coming out, not all at once, of course.  E5 is the full package.  It's doing its work in me, even on my rest days.  That's simply amazing.

Edit: I forgot a major support asset the E series contains, and from experience I've had with other subliminal vendors, it's a key ingredient for success in emotional healing. That asset is scripting which allows the conscious mind to not be fully aware of past emotional pain while healing. Dealing with my stuff head on and without help invites and grows fear and aversion to the very practice of healing. Noone, especially me, wants to relive specific moments of hell when younger. Noone. I may have forgot this while writing earlier since I'm not in emotional distress non-stop. Thank you for prioritizing this Shannon, as it sets your subliminals apart. This makes the goal of healing seem not only possible, but desirable as well. So, again I thank you.

[findingme]

Feb. 12, 2023

The EHPRA goal to not avoid issues needing to be dealt with came through for me this last 12 hours.

I'd started a financial sub from another vendor weeks before starting on E5. I had very little resistance on it, and I enjoyed....not facing my main emotional fears for a while.

2ce since starting on E4 and then E5, I've listened to it, knowing I was sidelining emotional growth. I was in fear, imagining sitting in an emotional hell.

Through this rest period, I've felt the edges of that hell. However, the need to not avoid this has been quietly growing and has not given in to victim thinking. I stayed clear of this escape this rest period, and I'm NOT overwhelmed.

I'm grateful this support is provided in EHPRA since I know the results of dodging these issues. I feel better about myself today.

[findingme]

Feb 13, 2023
Last rest day

I looked into the chatter box this morning, and I found 4Kingdom's video on the long-term happiness study.  Point blank, knowing happiness was a result of maintaining relationships made perfect sense to me.  Seriously, I'm on day 3 of a 4 day weekend, which I do monthly due to acquired vacation time--but I've been home for 2 days, not reaching out to anybody.  Isolating in extremes isn't making me happy, so I made some immediate changes.

i first texted my daughter.  I returned a text of hers last week, but she never replied.  So I reached out again.

I then replied to my bitcoin miner who reached out to me yesterday.  He sent a very casual hello, asking me how I was doing.  My known practices of fear held me back, as I thought I'd be all insincere.  But I reached out this morning, sharing that video with him, letting him know where I  am since I'd let him know I'm on a healing subliminal.  I've known him a couple of years now, and he even began some subliminals himself, so he knows the changes and life adjustments one might experience when going down specific subliminal roads.

I also thought of something key in relationship to money.  From the immature and fear-fed beliefs I've used so long, I ultimately thought I'd have to buy love.  Again, I know that's completely fear-based.  I'm just still acclimating to the belief that love and relationships are actually quite simple.  Simply give my attention and trust, and let it grow from there.

I'm gonna get out this morning.  I want to.

[4Kingdoms]

I looked into the chatter box this morning, and I found 4Kingdom's video on the long-term happiness study.  Point blank, knowing happiness was a result of maintaining relationships made perfect sense to me.  

I'm pleased to hear that posting the video on the long-term happiness study was viewed.
https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Yale%...#pid258658

[findingme]

I looked into the chatter box this morning, and I found 4Kingdom's video on the long-term happiness study.  Point blank, knowing happiness was a result of maintaining relationships made perfect sense to me.  

I'm pleased to hear that posting the video on the long-term happiness study was viewed.
https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Yale%...#pid258658

Actually, I just listened to it while working in my kitchen.  I took it to heart.  Thanks for sharing it.

[findingme]

And based on the truths of that video, I realized that that's why I write here so often: I'm trying to give of myself and build relationships.

And unfortunately, simultaneously my mind tries to "protect" me by raising fears, both of realities and of very unlikely possibilities, and I very often sabotage a healthy relationship.  My mind plays the damndest tricks on me--since it's worked to keep me "safe".

Today wasn't crisis-laden and filled with major events.  It was the smaller ones I'm airing so I'll be aware of them.  It took me until noon to get out the door, after waking up around 6:30.  Some part of me saw nothing (and continuously sees nothing) but failure when out in public.  When I'm out, I could lift my eyes up to see people as they are. But I see failure in myself, I assume everyone else sees it, so I try to hide while out being around people.  I mention this since I can admit to doing this every single day in any atmosphere.  Work is a little easier, but facing strangers and imagined rejection holds me back.

I found myself stalling before leaving, allowing myself to be hijacked by this, that, or whatever so I didn't focus on my fear.  I began equating leaving the house with experiencing failure.

And what's strange and beautiful is when I'm out in public, I know giving of myself (holding a door, smiling to people, etc.) fills me.  Whenever I give some away, I always feel it back.  I was mixed today since in the big spaces (Walmart, for ex.) I focused on just myself mostly.  I still found ways to be considerate by allowing people (some in their own realities) to walk past me in tight spaces.  But me avoiding glances and looks of appreciation kept me slightly unfilled emotionally.  It was like I kept closing down little exchanges.  Maybe I was doing exactly what I'd been imagining?  That sounds very possible.  I wasn't esteeming myself.

I do have to go out again tomorrow.  Same issues, same fears, same avoidance tactics still influencing me.  Thankfully, I restart loops again tomorrow.  I'll let it do its work because I'm allowing pain to grow.

But this is me presently.  I need to accept myself, faults and all.  I want to.  Doing so is new though.  Here's hoping I'll get a push or a reminder.