EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 82:

Broke down in the shower and cried, by the time I had run out of tears, my parents came banging on my door. When they saw me on the ground, they freaked. When I got up and told them to go away, they did promptly just that, telling me "That's not normal behaviour" (shaming me for it) and told me not to sleep in the shower. I said I wasn't sleeping and dad said "not in the shower" They went back to their business, now that they see I'm "okay" (I'm not, not by a long shot, but they don't care enough to notice) and eventually, I got up and cleaned myself off. I wish my parents cared about me. I mean, REALLY cared about me. Cared enough to know that something's clearly not right and I clearly need help. But they don't. MY whole life, I've been drowning. And everyone around me's just been swimming right past me.

Side note: I'm beginning to think I should just stay on E3.

[Have at ye]

If you feel the need to stay on E3 for the time being, then by all means do so.

UMS is a pretty great program, but its healing and clearing aspect can be kinda hardcore, so there's no need to rush in. It'll keep.

You're doing good work, and I know it's not easy, and oftentimes it is not pretty, but you're not stopping and you're not giving up. So that's good!

All the best, friend, you'll get there.

EDIT

Heck, you might even want to wait and see how Shannon's sub development goes and perhaps wait for the eventual release of UMSv2, as Shannon has stated in his journal he's done extensive work on making it easier on the brain and emotions.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks. I don't feel like I'm doing great. I feel like I have incredibly deep issues and I don't feel like they're healing. I'm still not past my ex-friend. I still haven't forgiven her for leaving me out in the cold. I want to get back at her somehow, but even if I do give her a taste of what I've been through, I'll just be stuck in a cycle of punishment.

I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished...

And I wanna punish again, but I'm tired of BEING punished. And really I just wanna punish her for punishing me, because I poured my heart and soul out and gave her all my love and she threw my heart in the trash and slammed the door in my face and I am SO EXTREMELY hurt by that. I begged for forgiveness and was met with cold indifference. That's what tears me apart. I know I acted badly, but I begged for forgiveness so many times. BEGGED. and she coldly cast me aside and ignored me. She doesn't care that I'm repentant. She doesn't care that I've changed. She wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. And the universe doesn't care how terrible that is. She will NEVER have to experience what I went through. And the anger over that just burns me up and tears me apart. I want her to know what it's like. I want her to feel what it feels like to love somebody so much, mean so little to them and get coldly punished even after begging for forgiveness. I want her to know how it feels to be thrown in the trash by the one you love most. I want her to experience it, over and over and over again, until she'd NEVER do that to anyone again.

I don't feel like I'm doing great. I don't feel like I'm doing great at all.

And I'm in so much pain and I can't make it stop.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Every day is the same: I sleep all day and when I'm not asleep, I look for mindless distraction to not be aware of how much pain I'm in, only to get bored and have nothing to distract me from the pain. It seems like this is going to b my life. I'm not functional, and every time I start to feel like I might function, everything falls apart. Shannon said at the beginning that this sub is clearly working and I'm just telling myself it's not working, but is it? Why do I still suffer? Why can't I get over this? Things look bleak, like there's no hope I'll ever get over this slump. That hope is draining fast.

It's been almost 3 months, and I don't feel any better off than when I started.

[findingme]

It was good you broke down and cried in the shower, for that is you accepting some major internal changes too. And I see a lot of changes you may not be seeing since you post so regularly. Change IS happening.

You continuing to post and report makes me happy for you. Willingness is so, so valuable in any major decisions in life, and you are here showing your willingness to pursue internal peace. You ARE succeeding one step at a time. Give yourself some credit, as you're moving forward. Those small steps are still steps forward

[mat422]

I've been where you are man, right now you're stuck in a loop of emotional pain. Don't focus on this pain. Let it pass through you. It's hard if you've been a ruminator for quite some time. But it's a habit that needs to be broken. Remember you are healing and any state you go through is not permanent. The problems arise when you start building a story around the current emotional pain you are experiencing. It tells your mind to hold onto it, that it's a part of you, it is you, but it's not. Acknowledge your pain, give yourself the compassion you need, and focus on healing and filling your life with the positive.

You can get through this. Ask yourself are you afraid of something? Often times during the healing cycle I'd find myself stuck in emotional trauma because I was halfway between letting it go. I was unconsciously holding onto it despite how much it hurt me.

[Greenduck]

Hi EP. Good to see you are still going. I haven't followed your journal but I would trust the guys who posted above mentioning that you are making progress, sometimes it's hardest to see for yourself that you are moving forward.

Do you exercise? Going out for a run have always helped me.

I'm sorry to hear about your lack of support from your parents. That can suck. I have had limited emotional support from mine, even though I have a dad that I know cares deeply for me.

Do you read books? Reading have been a comfort for me in tough times. There are some good books out there. I read a book on co-dependence that gave me some insights in my own behavior - it's called "codependent no more", and she has also written another one called "the language of letting go". Maybe you could lend them at your library.

And you should be givning yourself a pat on the back. There is a radical shift you are doing right now that you are living through and experiencing. Not everyone has the courage to look at their life and seeing that “this doesn’t work” and realizing that the problem is within themselves, and doing something about it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks guys for the support. I'm glad you're seeing improvements, because I feel like I have the same problems as when I started. My parents are there for me to a small degree, but they choose to be largely oblivious to the signs around them, and maybe that's partially cause they don't know what to do, but I wish they cared enough to try to figure out what to do.

[Greenduck]

Thanks guys for the support. I'm glad you're seeing improvements, because I feel like I have the same problems as when I started. My parents are there for me to a small degree, but they choose to be largely oblivious to the signs around them, and maybe that's partially cause they don't know what to do, but I wish they cared enough to try to figure out what to do.

I can understand you feeling this way, but you are giving away your power to heal to them. Trust that they are doing what they can do, and take every moment to move yourself towards a better place. Take your situation into your own hands and regain the power over your situation and good things will follow.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 83:

Broke down and cried again while trying to play with my cat.

@Greenduck No, they're not doing what they can. They're doing what they're willing to do. There's a difference, and I'm tired of everybody giving parents the undue credit of saying "they're doing their best" or "They did what they could do" when that's patently untrue. They COULD do more, they COULD do better, they COULD give it more effort, they COULD take more interest. But that would require more love than they have in their hearts. No they didn't do what they could. Not by a long-shot. Because they COULD have done a lot more, and didn't.

And yeah, I shouldn't give them the power of my healing because they'll do fuck all with it, but don't give me this bullshit that they did all they could do. They haven't earned the right to say that or have it rightfully said about them.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I broke down again, fell asleep, woke up, found I was late for an appointment wuth my job specialist. Called her and said I'd be there in 5 minutes. She saud to reschedule to tye next week because she's tired of me not respecting her time. Fact is, I'm not functional lately. I'm not functional at all.

[Greenduck]

Day 83:

Broke down and cried again while trying to play with my cat.

@Greenduck No, they're not doing what they can. They're doing what they're willing to do. There's a difference, and I'm tired of everybody giving parents the undue credit of saying "they're doing their best" or "They did what they could do" when that's patently untrue. They COULD do more, they COULD do better, they COULD give it more effort, they COULD take more interest. But that would require more love than they have in their hearts. No they didn't do what they could. Not by a long-shot. Because they COULD have done a lot more, and didn't.

And yeah, I shouldn't give them the power of my healing because they'll do*****all with it, but don't give me this ***** that they did all they could do. They haven't earned the right to say that or have it rightfully said about them.

I’m not saying that to give them a free pass, I’m saying it to give you one. To go around feeling that you haven’t been given what you needed sucks, but it doesn’t help anyone. Forgiveness and understanding is the right path as long as you haven’t been abused. At least this have helped me, not to hold grudges. That only give away even more power. Give yourself the ability to forgive them and move past it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Be easier not to hold a grudge if they didn't see me suffering and react with selfish indifference or anger at how much it inconveniences them. 

"Forgive them and move past it" is easier said than done ot I'd have done it by now.

God, as dad reminded me, classes are coming up... And I am just not functional. I need LTU5, but I can't afdord it. I'd get UMS, but E3 is kicking my ass enough already. I feel stuck. I feel so stuck.

[Greenduck]

Be easier not to hold a grudge if they didn't see me suffering and react with selfish indifference or anger at how much it inconveniences them. 

"Forgive them and move past it" is easier said than done ot I'd have done it by now.

God, as dad reminded me, classes are coming up... And I am just not functional. I need LTU5, but I can't afdord it. I'd get UMS, but E3 is kicking my ass enough already. I feel stuck. I feel so stuck.

Yes I know it can be tricky. Trust me. But don’t take it as something you need to do overnight, but rather as something to hold in mind and practice.