EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Starting to work through that resentment I mentioned earlier. Running E3 to help work through it. While I run E3, I'm doing vocal exercises. At least I HOPE I'm working through it. I'm definitely experiencing the resentment, although it's not overpowering or anything.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 62:

So much for the schedule I had devised. My sleep cycle is all kinds of fucked up.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I just looked at the first page of this journal. I'm definitely making progress.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So Im watching videos about this sociopath/narcissist who keeps making shitty apologies for cheating on his ex, and the comments sections are all filled with people saying things like "Yeah we've heard it all before" "crying wolf" and "apologies don't mean shit when you don't change" "If you really are sorry, respect her wishes and leave her alone. She blocked you for a reason" etc. And I realize that although I'm not a narcissistic sociopath like this guy, a lot of these comments could be applied to me and I have to admit to myself, my friend has good reason to treat me this way, even if I DO still deserve better. It's understandable. And DO I really deserve better considering how I was? Even though I HAVE changed, she has little reason at this point to believe that. She probably doesn't deserve my resentment. I'm just so deeply hurt. I wish I could just rebuild the bridges I've burned, mend this ruined relationship and sort things out and let bygones be bygones. If I want her to forgive me, I should first be willing to forgive her. I wish we could both just forgive each other and be friends again.

EDIT: Running a loop of E3 to help me out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Now I'm watching Youtube video bout Megamind and the character Jonah Hill voices, and I'm having to see myself in that character. I was a jerk. I acted like every entitled nice guy incel who thinks he;s entitled to the woman he fancies, despite having been aware of this kind of personality and formerly judging of such people, and it's fitting that she got sick of my shit. I'm still hurt, but I've got to own up to my own shitty behaviour and attitude and the natural consequences of it. I still deserve forgiveness, patience and understanding, but it's patience and understanding I didn't have for other people like me until I was in their shoes. I can't blame her for not knowing what it's like and judging what she doesn't understand. I made the same judgements before I became that person. Now I know we all, under the right conditions, have it in us to be that way. I wish she did too, but can't blame her for not. People judge what they don't understand. It's for the best if I let go of the matter. And I'm sure E3 will help me do it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Running E3. Trying to sleep. Made the mistake of cyberstalking old friend's art on instagram, I guess wondering if she ever thinks about me. It seems no. Not anymore. But I found this little gem, dated not too long after the friendship breakup:

"Joke's on me
for wanting to
believe I'd be
special to you.

After all,
I'm just a clown
who gives their all
and gets let down."

Funny, that's exactly how I feel. High likelihood it's about me. I'm so badly hurt and so deeply ashamed. I wish she knew how I felt. I wish she cared. I'm beginning to hate her. But hate is just one side of the coin called caring. A new wound has been created, old wounds re-opened. I swear I'm going to get over this and one day we will be friends again.

EDIT: Just sent her a message begging that she just say "I forgive you" before cutting off all contact again. That's all I'm asking of her, is that she forgive me.

EDIT: Just sent A LOT of messages asking she just say "I forgive you" I commented on a number of pieces, mostly the ones about me. attached my email and said "All I'm asking is those 3 words: 'I forgive you' and then if you want to cut off all contact, you'll never hear from me again. We ALL deserve forgiveness. All I'm asking is that you forgive me and accept my apology before never speaking to me again." I basically left 14 responses on her artwork page saying that same thing.

Even if she doesn't forgive me, I will forgive myself. But I want to be forgiven if I can. Also, if my friend doesn't forgive me, I believe it creates karma for her to explore, which might give her the experience of knowing what it feels like to go through what I've gone through. So even if she doesn't forgive me, I at least get her to create karma for herself and ensure she learn the same hard lessons I learned.

[THolt]

Running E3. Trying to sleep. Made the mistake of cyberstalking old friend's art on instagram, I guess wondering if she ever thinks about me. It seems no. Not anymore. But I found this little gem, dated not too long after the friendship breakup:

"Joke's on me
for wanting to
believe I'd be
special to you.

After all,
I'm just a clown
who gives their all
and gets let down."

Funny, that's exactly how I feel. High likelihood it's about me. I'm so badly hurt and so deeply ashamed. I wish she knew how I felt. I wish she cared. I'm beginning to hate her. But hate is just one side of the coin called caring. A new wound has been created, old wounds re-opened. I swear I'm going to get over this and one day we will be friends again.

EDIT: Just sent her a message begging that she just say "I forgive you" before cutting off all contact again. That's all I'm asking of her, is that she forgive me.

EDIT: Just sent A LOT of messages asking she just say "I forgive you" I commented on a number of pieces, mostly the ones about me. attached my email and said "All I'm asking is those 3 words: 'I forgive you' and then if you want to cut off all contact, you'll never hear from me again. We ALL deserve forgiveness. All I'm asking is that you forgive me and accept my apology before never speaking to me again." I basically left 14 responses on her artwork page saying that same thing.

Even if she doesn't forgive me, I will forgive myself. But I want to be forgiven if I can. Also, if my friend doesn't forgive me, I believe it creates karma for her to explore, which might give her the experience of knowing what it feels like to go through what I've gone through. So even if she doesn't forgive me, I at least get her to create karma for herself and ensure she learn the same hard lessons I learned.

I would just let it go dude.

I have had friendships that have fizzled out. In fact they were really good frienships but because of time, effort, distance, or whatever, they are not what they once were. I realized the best way was to let go. 
Part of my issue was that I was too clingy. I realized this only pushes people way. THere is no point in trying to save a relationship that is already dead.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

All I'm asking her for is 3 words: I forgive you

I just want her forgiveness here. She might not give it, but I really want to ask for it. Who knows? She might actually give it. I dunno. I jut want her to forgive me. If she doesn't, fuck it, I'll forgive myself. But I want to try and get her to forgive me. That's all I'm trying to do.
This relationship didn't just "Fizzle out" it ended in a really brutal way.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 63:

Couldn't sleep last night, so I've been sleeping all of today. Been running E3 as well. Feeling better. My schedule's all messed up though. I had an assignment my employment specialist gave me t -+o turn in today by 5. It's 7:48 and I haven't even begun on it. Still feeling drowsy. artificial jetlag maybe? I dunno. I wonder if all this sleep I'm getting helps process the E3 I'm running. Anyway, if there's something I've learned from last night, it's that I still need to run E3 for a good while.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel like all my carefully, well thought out plans are going to shit and falling apart. I feel like I need E3 more than I realized. I feel like it's hard to be functional again. I feel like I'm in a weird cycle, where I become functional and things start looking up, and then I stop being functional and things start falling apart. I feel like such a mess. How long will I need to be on E3 before I'm finally over all this?

[Benjamin]

EDIT: Just sent her a message begging that she just say "I forgive you" before cutting off all contact again. That's all I'm asking of her, is that she forgive me.

EDIT: Just sent A LOT of messages asking she just say "I forgive you" I commented on a number of pieces, mostly the ones about me. attached my email and said "All I'm asking is those 3 words: 'I forgive you' and then if you want to cut off all contact, you'll never hear from me again. We ALL deserve forgiveness. All I'm asking is that you forgive me and accept my apology before never speaking to me again." I basically left 14 responses on her artwork page saying that same thing.

You're making it worse. Sending a lot of messages like that is almost guaranteeing that she won't talk to you.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EDIT: Just sent her a message begging that she just say "I forgive you" before cutting off all contact again. That's all I'm asking of her, is that she forgive me.

EDIT: Just sent A LOT of messages asking she just say "I forgive you" I commented on a number of pieces, mostly the ones about me. attached my email and said "All I'm asking is those 3 words: 'I forgive you' and then if you want to cut off all contact, you'll never hear from me again. We ALL deserve forgiveness. All I'm asking is that you forgive me and accept my apology before never speaking to me again." I basically left 14 responses on her artwork page saying that same thing.

You're making it worse. Sending a lot of messages like that is almost guaranteeing that she won't talk to you.

You're right. I deleted ALL the messages just now, before she could see them. And I changed my username so if it shows up she got 14 messages by some guy in her inbox, all she'll know is his name is nmr04.

Is there some way I can fix things? I mean, you saw the poem. How do I fix that?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 64:

I'm full of piss, vinegar and literal hate right now, but in a strangely calm way, rather than a raging way. Running another loop of E3 to help me through it. The hate's probably not going anywhere for a while. In fact, it seems to be forming and solidifying. Luckily, E3 addresses that emotion. A lot of raw emotions are filling me up right now, all of which negative. My dad's not helping. He's being very annoying right now. And after breakfast I'm going to have to do a lot of manual labour, which just puts me in a worse mood. But there's a weird calm in the center of the storm. Almost like I'm starting to just accept these emotions. I think the hate is a choice I've made and I'm starting to accept that choice. Hard to explain.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

After running a loop of E3, I'm feeling better.

EDIT: Never mind, I'm not feeling better.