EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I went there with my forms and dads part wasnt filled out. Now they're saying it wasnt filled out last time. And dad's yelling at me fir not arguing with them and saying the reason he didn't fill it out was because he wasn't the claimant even though Im a dependemt. He's saying they told him last time not to bother filling it out or some shit. So now we're going there to argue my case and get them to accept my residency.

Edit: They were closed. And we payed five bucks for parking. FML. Dad's saying they're full of shit and we DID fill out the claimant forms last time, only to be told we didn't need to.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Edit: you know what? Never mind. That negativity is just stress. I recognize dad's got a lot on his plate. I love him and I hope he gets a break.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I realize my stressful negativity was due to fear. I've got to have more confidence and remain more calm.

Stressful as it is, my life is rather aggresively moving forward. And with that comes sudden responsibility and change. I shouldn't fear either of these things.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 12:

I slept hard for 13 hours straight. And I still feel tired. WTF? I think maybe E3 is causing me to need more sleep. Just a possibility.

Anyway, dad and I are going to sort out the USF issue today, dad needs help cleaning the attic, I've got to edit that article, and a whole lot of other things need to get done. It's like I went from having no life to having a lot of shit I need to do at the flip of a switch. I'm always busy now.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I can't seem to catch a break. In these last two days, one thing after another keeps going wrong. It's as if I were on USLM4's polar opposite.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Things seem to have worked out, despite the initial stress: I got them to recognize my residency at USF finally, and might be able to sign up for Fall classes.

I just shaved my 1965 word article down to 1,123 words and I'm polishing it off with two people offering to take a look at it later for pointers.

As stressed out as I've been over these two things, and as unsmoothly as things have gone, ultimately I'm doing fine now.

But I'm still anxious. Until I'm fully finished, I'm going to feel uneasy about the article. I don't think this stress is actually useful. I need to work on being less affected by fear.

[Benjamin]

Day 12:

I slept hard for 13 hours straight. And I still feel tired. WTF? I think maybe E3 is causing me to need more sleep. Just a possibility.

Might be that somethings processing if it's just from E3. Catman wrote that when he started it he slept alot. It makes sense it can be tiring at times.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah I definitely think it's processing something

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 13: I'm out with a friend right now, and I'm really anxious, even though I have no reason to be. The article's coming along fine, I'm with a good friend, about to eat a good breakfast, my USF situation is handled, I'm almost done with my FAFSA application, my life's moving forward and I'm slowly getting my shit together. I feel like I'm anxious for no particular reason. I think maybe it's E3 working on something? I dunno. All's I know is I am under constant stress or low key anxiety. Stress when there's a reason. Low key anxiety when there isn't.

[Shannon]

Just because you can't see the reason doesn't mean there isn't one. With E3 it's going to be that it's working on something below your conscious threshold of awareness that is dealing with one or more fears.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Right. E3 is doing it's thing. Hopefully E3 will resolve whatever it's helping me work through and then I'll be less stressed and less anxious afterwards. I wish I were using LTU5 because it would have built in measures for dealing with stress. Still, E3 should really help me out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 14: Just sent off the article for submission. I added that if there's anything more he wants done to the article, I would be happy to make adjustments.

We shall see if my stress goes down now that the article's (at least for the most part) finished and submitted.
We shall also see if the guy's happy with it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I've been on my computer all day since waking up. Not really doing anything, just mindlessly trying to keep myself in a distracted state. Distracted from what? I couldn't quite be sure, but I couldn't help but think to myself "I'm not dicking around on the computer because there's anything I really want to do, but rather because there's something I'm trying to AVOID" I couldn't quite tell what though. So I decided to run one loop of E3 (even though I'm not supposed to do that) to see what would happen. Now I'm in this state of anxiety. I can feel the fear coursing through me. It's not stopping me from sitting around and making myself useless, but it is there, and noticeable now. It's weird. Even after a moment of genuine levity I just shared with my mom, I'm still in this uneasy, anxious state. I think whatever E3's working on is something I've been going out of my way to consciously avoid all my life. And once E3 is done working on whatever it is, I just might start to live my life in a radically different way, I'm suspecting. Maybe that's wishful thinking and what I really need to do is stop waiting for some sort of big internal change to be made and just radically change the way I live right now...

But I still feel too petrified, if that makes any sense.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I had forgotten to check for messages fromt he guy I wrote the article for. Shit. Seems like he wanted me to write an autobiographical synopsis of myself.I just did it. Seems like he's happy with the article though, so I'm glad.