EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 6:

I'm trying to get my daily habits in order and establish a good daily routine, so I woke up, fed the cats, made breakfast, did vocal exercises, and sent out 2 proposals on Upwork. If I land either job, I'll be payed $8 an hour, which isn't bad, seeing as I'm looking to build a reputation on Upwork. I'm also working on my resume, but there's not much to put on it, as I've only ever had one job. I worked as an usher at a movie theater for a decade. My responsibilities included helping customers, tearing tickets and A LOT of cleaning. That's it. All I need is to find my GPA and add references, and I'll have added everything there is to add to my resume. I'm waiting for one of my parents to help me find my GPA and help me put down references, so until then, I guess I'll study Japanese. I'm also waiting for help adding references to the Wag.com application so I can walk dogs for money.

Like I've said, I feel like progress is slow moving. So much WAITING. Waiting to see a job specialist, waiting for a reply to either job proposal I sent out on Upwork, waiting for help getting references, waiting until the next semester to register to go to school at USF, waiting for help getting a job as a TA, waiting until we can get an attorney so I can contest to the state that I AM disabled, so I can go on disability, waiting for my friends to have a schedule that aligns with mine so we can hang out, waiting for E3 to do it's thing, waiting until I can afford LTU5. Waiting waiting waiting. And with no guarantees for anything. I just wanna move on, move forward and accomplish my goals. I wanna be in a better boat than I'm in now. I wanna be able to afford to go out and have a drink with my friends. I wanna have a life. I wanna feel like I'm not wasting my day. I wanna be somebody.

I suppose it's up to me to find a way to make the most of each day, and between studying Japanese, working out, meditating, doing healing codes, drawing, and practicing guitar, I've got plenty to do with my time. Still, the benefits of everything I'm doing seem a long way off, and I guess I'm not happy with myself as I am right now. OR with my life as it is right now. So I'm in a rush to move forward.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 7:

Just saw my employment specialist again today and went over my resume. It's very sparse and I don't feel I have much to add to it. All I've done for 10-11 years are the same repetitive tasks. I don't have a whole lot of skills related to anything other than customer service that I can say the experience gave me, but I was somehow able to pull 8 skills to list down out of my ass, and my employment specialist is telling me I need to list at least 2 more. Damn.

Started going to the gym last night. Slowly, I am leveling up my life.

I can say this: since going on E3, I haven't had any major periods of depression or beating myself up in self hatred. I dunno if that's because of E3 or just coincidence, I'm not really sure. But I've been at least more functional lately.

[Benjamin]

I can say this: since going on E3, I haven't had any major periods of depression or beating myself up in self hatred. I dunno if that's because of E3 or just coincidence, I'm not really sure. But I've been at least more functional lately.

So you've had those periods consistently before, and now you use E3 and suddenly "Oh I don't know if it's E3".

Sounds like any result you get you're just going to excuse away. If it's only happened after you've started then it's not a coincidence.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I can say this: since going on E3, I haven't had any major periods of depression or beating myself up in self hatred. I dunno if that's because of E3 or just coincidence, I'm not really sure. But I've been at least more functional lately.

So you've had those periods consistently before, and now you use E3 and suddenly "Oh I don't know if it's E3".

Sounds like any result you get you're just going to excuse away. If it's only happened after you've started then it's not a coincidence.

Well, it could've been an internal change I made since about a week ago shortly before using E3, I consciously made the decision to be open to just letting go of my ex-friend forgiving myself and moving on, getting used to the idea that I might never have any sort of contact with her again, and deciding to just accept that. I haven't had any of such periods since making that conscious decision, so no, I DON'T know if it's E3, it COULD be E3 or it COULD be that conscious decision I made. But then that conscious decision could have happened because E2 made it possible, so who knows? I didn't write about it because I couldn't be sure if that decision would stick or if I'd revert back to my old habits. So far, I haven't. That could be due to E2 and it could be due to E3. The Naturalizer even makes it harder to tell how much, if any, involvement E2 and/or E3. And then again, although I decided to get used to the thought I might never have contact with her again, I've also said to myself if I CAN use the becoming method to get her back sometime down the line, I intend to, but I also accept that by that time, I might not care enough anymore, so I'm no longer harping on the subject. Maybe E2 or E3 make it possible for me to do that. Maybe they don't. Listen, if I were going to just "excuse away" all progress by E3, why would I have bought it and why would I continue to use it? I still believe E3 helps me, I'm just not sure what's the doing of E3 and what's due to other factors, and the naturalizer only makes it harder to draw that distinction. But that doesn't mean I'm discounting E3, just that I'm acknowledging the multiple factors involved and saying I don't know how much of what is due to what.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Anyway, in other news, my job specialist pointed me to some websites today that let you teach English over the internet, and one of those websites pays $20 per 40 minutes of teaching. They have an about 25 hour work week which means I could make ~$750 a week if I land this job. They'll contact me some time within the next 72 hours so hopefully I'll get the job and if I do, AWESOME! I'm looking real forward to it!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 8:

I just had to admit to myself that my ex-friend never really valued my friendship. Not really. And even if I got her back using the becoming method, that wouldn't suddenly make her value me or my friendship as much as it deserves to be values. And that's really painful. I love her. I will always love her, whether she believes it or not, whether she cares or not, whether she understands or not, whether she returns the feeling or not, I love her and will always love her... but I deserve better in my life. I deserve people who WANT to be my friend and don't want to lose my friendship. I deserve people who put in the effort and value my friendship enough to work to show their appreciation for me like I do for them. I deserve friends who stick around when the hard times roll around rather than leave me with a cheap parting shot and tell somebody else to tell me to never speak to them again, because they're too chicken shit to confront me themselves. I love her, but I deserve so much better than how she treated me. And she deserved so much better than how I treated her, but the difference is, I admit that, I'm sorry and I'm willing to change. She's not. She doesn't see all the ways she treated me like I was an afterthought in the friendship. The truth is, my friendship was NEVER that important to her. She could always take it or leave it, and she chose to leave it, which is a damn shame because for all my flaws, I have a lot to offer. I wish I had seen that back before I ever even met her. I will always love her, and if I ever have a daughter, I'm at least naming her middle name after her, but the truth is, even if we became friends again, she was NEVER truly my friend. And maybe I was never a good friend to her either, but the difference is, I'm willing to admit that and put in the effort to change, which she doesn't believe or value. She on the other hand isn't, and that's not fair to me. Even if I use the becoming method and we become "friends" again, she'll just take my friendship for granted, again. I can't change the way she views me I don't think. So what I need to do is just accept that she was never truly my friend and probably never truly will be, or at least not in this lifetime. And that hurts. That hurts so bad But I'm done beating myself up over these things and I'm done needing her approval. From here on out, I only put in the effort for people who put in the effort for me. She never put in the effort as a friend, although I'm sure she'd disagree. Initiating the conversation and putting up with my patheticness isn't putting in the effort. She never once cared enough to go out of her way to make me feel appreciated, like I would do for her, and if she did, she stopped doing that and clearly doesn't think I'm worth it, so fuck it. I still love her, but I need to move on and this time, only make the effort for people who make the effort for me. From here on out, if a friend or GF or whoever treats me like someone they could take or leave, I'm treating them the same way, and focusing my attention on the people in my life who DO love me, who DO care about me, who DO care how I feel and what I think, who DO value me and my friendship, who DO value my love, who DO think I'm worth it, who DO think about me, who DO think I'm worth the effort, who DOrespect me, who DO love me back, who DO go out of their way to make me feel appreciated and who DON'T leave shitty little parting shots and then cut off all contact when things get rocky. I have got to move on and ONLY put my effort, energy and time into people who value and respect me enough to do the same.

[MD81]

Congratulations. This realization is a major step!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Congratulations. This realization is a major step!

Thanks.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

The SayABC people turned me down for an applications because I don't have a Bachelor's degree. Damn...

[Shannon]

Please don't tell me that you're still wondering if E3 is working for you. That revelation you talked about in Post #34 is proof positive that it is, if you still needed any.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Please don't tell me that you're still wondering if E3 is working for you.  That revelation you talked about in Post #34 is proof positive that it is, if you still needed any.

Okay. I'll admit these subs are working. It's incredible E3 worked that fast! Maybe because I'd been using E2 up to that point? I guess E2 was doing more than I thought. That or E3 is just THAT MUCH more effective and that much more quick to do it's work.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Re-reading my post in post #34, I see I'm probably not giving her enough credit. Maybe she was a better friend than I said she was in post #34. Either way, she's not my friend now and doesn't value me enough to accept my invitation to rebuild those bridges, so fuck it. I'll just try to focus on the GOOD things about the friendship from here on out, while accepting that it's over. Part of me was speaking from a place of pain in that post. I realize that she cared about me, but I don't think cared as much as I'd have wanted, I dunno. I shouldn't have needed her validation so much and shouldn't need it now, so whatever. As painful as things have turned out to be, I'm just going to focus on the positives and move on.

[Shannon]

Please don't tell me that you're still wondering if E3 is working for you.  That revelation you talked about in Post #34 is proof positive that it is, if you still needed any.

Okay. I'll admit these subs are working. It's incredible E3 worked that fast! Maybe because I'd been using E2 up to that point? I guess E2 was doing more than I thought. That or E3 is just THAT MUCH more effective and that much more quick to do it's work.

It is possible that E2 was doing things you couldn't see, and possible that you were stonewalling E2.  E3, however, is so much more powerful than E3 that it's hard to describe without sounding ridiculous.  It doesn't surprise me at all how it's affecting you, or how quickly.

[Griffin]

Hey EP, I've been following your channel for a while  and I must say you have been doing great lately,
I was definitely rooting for you and to see you grow is awesome!
You will go far man
 

Re-reading my post in post #34, I see I'm probably not giving her enough credit. Maybe she was a better friend than I said she was in post #34. Either way, she's not my friend now and doesn't value me enough to accept my invitation to rebuild those bridges, so*****it. I'll just try to focus on the GOOD things about the friendship from here on out, while accepting that it's over. Part of me was speaking from a place of pain in that post. I realize that she cared about me, but I don't think cared as much as I'd have wanted, I dunno. I shouldn't have needed her validation so much and shouldn't need it now, so whatever. As painful as things have turned out to be, I'm just going to focus on the positives and move on.