Building Self-Esteem

[Raz]

The more I read and think about what self-esteem is and what its absence means in all aspects of life the more I am convinced that I am lacking and have been without much self-esteem for most of my life.

I does explain (at least for me) why I am stuck in a rut with my life, why I am having difficulties advancing and even why many subs don't tend to work for me the way I expect they should and could.

It is not that I don't get anything out of subliminals, but I have reached a point where every superficial problem has been eradicated. In all honesty and looking back I probably reached that point at least one and a half years ago. Not knowing where to look to find the right clou about what to adress in order to go further I have been sub-hopping a lot. But it is not getting me anywhere. If anything, it lead to further erosion of my self-esteem.

I have been wondering how to find an alternative for the rage-drive that has been dissolved through many hours, days and months of H&C. Not being powered by defiantly stomping on the bullsh!t of the past is a good thing. But obliterating that does not equal finding a new (and better) source of energy and power.

Reading 'The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' (thanks a lot for mentioning it Darwin!) along with listening to SE has opened my eyes quite a bit to the roots of my stagnation. Very often I find myself in the passages that explain what low self-esteem entails. It's like looking into a mirror sometimes.

SE will be good for me. And along the lines it may hold the key to unlock all the other subliminals for me.

At one point Shannon said it is necessary to work from the inside out. I certainly begin to agree! Especially after having done exactly the opposite for a long time without getting anywhere.

Enough for now. I'll let the sub sink in for a while and learn to swim with it.

[Raz]

It is day 7 already. Here are some observations:

First - Sleep.
Like with all other 5.5Gs I have done I find it difficult to fall asleep while listening to the sub. It has somewhat improved after changing formats from US to low volume masked (TS), but not very much. My sleep is much more shallow. As if I don't sink into delta-wave frequency range, or at least not as much, as I normally/naturally do. At the same time I dream A LOT more (I expand on that a little further down), which may indicate longer periods spend in theta-wave frequency range.

If what I experience is indeed a shift towards theta, then this may also explain why I feel like a mental vegetable after being extended periods on 5.5Gs. It possibly may explain the speech impediment on DMSI, too. The only subliminal of the newer generation (or of any generation, of those that I tried at least) that is very easy to fall asleep upon and wake up super refreshed and energized is E2.

Second - Dreams.
Sleep equals dreaming these days. No black periods, just long-winded bat-ass crazy dreams. My recall is so-so, but given the sheer quantity I remember a lot.

I notice a pattern in dreaming, though. While listening to the sub, I enter the hypnagogic realm and stay there. Maybe a bit deeper than that, but very shallow. Recall is hazy at best and it is like thoughts are amplified into moving pictures easily. After the loops are done I dream tons of terrible stuff, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. This stage has increased dramatically and is getting longer with every night on SE. My subconscious mind is obviously absolutely terrified. The third stage fades in the longer the subliminal input is away. Dreams shift into interesting and foremost engaging scenarios, fast-paced and empowering.

Third - Waking Life.
My self-discipline is increasing. More cleaning up and keeping stuff neat. Additionally, I have cut my working hours into half, starting in february, so that I finally have time to invest effectively into my thesis again. I neglected that for the best part of the previous nine months, thinking that I could somehow manage to write it next to working 180+ hours per month. When the thought to reduce my hours popped into my mind I immediately went with the flow to arrange it (and was baffled for a while why this hadn't occured to me a lot sooner).

Social abilities are up, people react even more positive to me these days. That area was totally fine before, but now it is getting even better.

What else? Hmm ... that's it for the moment, I guess.

[Raz]

A strange but welcome change is happening in the way I react to situations where others are not providing me with information like they should be or are treating me with less respect than I feel is appropriate. There is less resentment and less of the feeling of being purposefully wronged while I stand my ground. My vicious treat-me-wrong-and-I'll-burn-all-bridges-between-us is replaced by something more ... mature?

This old reaction pattern was always some kind of unconscious or automated response. Easily being hurt and inwardly bitching out while outwardly becoming silent and (purposefully?) distancing myself from and suddenly despising whoever commited the faux-pas, no matter how small and insignificant the issue. Pretty toxic and unhealthy now that I think about it.

Interestingly it is only after I act in a different way to address certain situations that I suddenly realize that there is a learned/default reaction pattern. And only then can I start to change it. Talk about getting out of a rut (or two)

[Raz]

Usually I pride myself in being able to translate feelings and concepts into precise and clear words that reflect them down to a deep level and illuminate their essence. But right now I am at a loss for words entirely.

There is so much changing at once and yet everything feels perfectly natural. This program goes beyond anything I have ever experienced with subliminals before. It reaches into a depth of my being and reality that is totally uncharted territory for me and yet so utterly familiar.

It's like I am in the process of stepping through a gate that leads to somewhere absolutely peaceful, warm and embracing.

[Raz]

For the past two days I experienced sudden anxiety. Typical doom and gloom where you try to distract yourself as much as possible but even that won't work after a certain point. It came after I had to change my sleeping schedule (again) because of some night shifts and kept it during my free days afterward. During that time I was able to only sleep six hours per night/day (srsly, how can anyone get by with only that amount of sleep long-term?).

Last night I slept a whooping 15 hours. Lo and behold, I am better today.

That episode reminded me of how I am more prone to jump subs when feeling mentally shaky due to a lack of sleep. I have done that more than one time in the past.

This post is to remind me that sleep is freakin' important. Especially for my mental well being. And even more so while using subs.

[Raz]

Wondering what my life looks like after 15 days of SE?

THAT's what it looks like! Yeah, that's right

[CatMan]

Wondering what my life looks like after 15 days of SE?

THAT's what it looks like! Yeah, that's right

LOVE that movie.

Watched it 100 times, never able to sit still during it, lmao.

[Raz]

Well. In-the-face-effects seem to have quited down. Although I am not sure if this is an appropriate description of what is going on. Maybe I am integrating what the sub tries to implement.

One line of development that is standing out is the social aspect. I am having the easiest time of my life to open up people or them automatically drifting towards me. The most interesting part about this are the people I normally reject to get along with; you know those people that trigger you in some way without doing anything when you first meet them, just something about their presence, body language or whatever seems off. With them I am no longer standing in my own way and chat them up the same way as I do with everyone else: warm, curious and non-judgemental. And this works absolutely great most of the time.

Another thing that has shifted is how I weigh myself compared to what I think is expected from me by others. For instance: I rarely get ill. Let's say about once every 3 to 5 years. It is happening again just now and normally I would go about my duties work-wise nontheless even if that meant delaying recovery time, simply out of a sense of personal obligation. Right now my automated response is: my health is my first priority, a job does not even come close this, I take some days off to get healthy again.

A third thing that is quite noticeable is how I am not sucked into the frames of other people anymore. Not only that, but it is becoming more and more of my second nature to actively create my own frames and draw others in. It is simply happening on its own, without any conscious effort from me whatsoever.

I like it.

[Raz]

This is really getting interesting.

On the on hand I am feeling somewhat bored with the sub. It's like nothing is happening at all. No drastic occurrences, no Aha!-moments, no fissures in my 4D-space-time-dimension, no aliens.

On the other hand things are going my way, exactly as I wish. I occupy my reality, believe in it, have no room for doubts and things play out according to my convictions. I am grounded in my reality and suddenly understand how to persuade people to accept and support my ideas/wishes/suggestions, even if they are contrary to their wishes/intentions.

Funny stuff. In more than one way.

[Benjamin]

That sounds like quite a bit happening to me! :p

[Raz]

That sounds like quite a bit happening to me! :p

You are absolutely right, Ben

I see all that unfolding in front of me, but it is feeling like no big deal at all. I have to bring my acceptance up to speed with reality, I guess.

[Raz]

The rollercoaster continues. For the last days clouds of doubt and distraction have been gathering. Woke up today with a feeling-mixture of guilt-fear. It is just sitting in my stomach without being directed at anything. As if saying "something wicked this way comes".

It's not all cherries and roses, I suppose.

[findingme]

Any updates Raz?

[Benjamin]

He's doing DMSI now.