Building Self-Esteem

[findingme]

Thanks Ben

[Raz]

Allright, I'll be keeping this thread for my future SE rants.

Today is day two of my second run in with SE. I feel calm and in control. Not that I didn't feel that before, but while running PTPA it was more of the light and smiling in a good mood whistling enjoyment. If PTPA is feeling free as a bird, then SE is feeling like a tree at dawn absorbing the first sun rays ... if that makes any sense.

[Raz]

Feeling good so far. Not overly all-smiling happy. Simply good.

Listening to the masked track washes away everything that happened in the day. At times I feel like I deserve more than I do right now. I talk to friends and it seems they are walking along in their daily routines and have forgotten to dream about a brighter future. As if they lost that sparkle somewhere along the way. Sometimes it seems to me that I am childishly immature to daydream about adventures and a fullfilled life while they are grounded (or stuck?) in reality and society. And sometimes I think it is immensely important to have that longing to rise and soar. To me it seems that I have a "haven't even explored a fraction of life" mindset while they run on "want to have stability and stay put" tracks.

Odd to see that clearly.

[Raz]

Like on my first run of SE I am having tons of weird dreams.

Last night in a dream my penis fell off. It's not as funny as it sounds. Well, maybe it is. A string of dreams was rewriting some parts of my personal history. Took me some minutes after waking up to discern what was real and what not.

Self-discipline to do little daily chores one could avoid for a long long time is somewhat improved. I am still too passive about grabbing the carrot of life fulfilled that is dangling in front of me.

[Raz]

Oh crap, here we go again.

Viva la resistance!

[Raz]

Especially weird dreams continue. Although my recall is almost zero this morning I have this lingering feeling that I am dreaming outside of my own bubble. As if I see/experience dreams of other people. And thus, I feel alienated.

[thor2014]

Hi Raz doesnt dmsi also deal with self esteem ? Not clear why you dont use dmsi for healing ?

[Raz]

Hi Raz doesnt dmsi also deal with self esteem ? Not clear why you dont use dmsi for healing ?

This may come as a surprise, but not everybody wants to run DMSI.

[thor2014]

Ah yes your right

[Raz]

Not much noticeable stuff going on at the moment.

My dreams are quite interesting though. It is either time-travel back to my past with my current knowledge intact and alternative time lines or I semi-painfully lose some body parts.

[Raz]

Dreams are becoming a bit distressing, since they are plunging me into scenarios that show me that I am intellectually incapable. I think that this is one of my worst fears ... being dumb. IRL I went through a lot to prove I am intellectually capable. I think this is also one of the reasons I started my PhD. And while I am scared to finish it, I am even more scared to NOT finish it, since in my mind this equals being dumb. I hope I'll be able to kick this fear in the balls eventually since through it I prevent myself from living a fullfilled life.

ION I am more withdrawn than usually. And more on the I-distract-myself side of things, although the distractions in themselves are becoming very dull and boring.

[Raz]

I am flying off the handle with my anger more easily. I have been observing this change in myself over the past two or three months.

In the past I developed a pattern of holding my anger in and turning passive-aggressive or sometimes exploding with hours of brooding afterwards (and of course guilt/shame mixed into the melange). Then, mostly due to subs I think, I got rid of the passive-aggressive traits. Positivity and calmness followed. Now I am almost always calm, but sometimes turn into a summer thunderstorm for some seconds, mostly when somebody treats me wrongly or does stupid sh!t that exposes me to dangers for my health. But this goes away fast and I can talk calmly about what bothered me and I saw as wrong-doing.

I am no saint and sometimes I overdo it when there is no reason to. But all in all I am much healthier with this. Although I am still not really comfortable to express my anger this way.

[Raz]

I am getting this feeling of change again. I cannot pinpoint it. But there is a certain flow to things that oozes with newness.

Last night I also got flickers of what I call of stage 2 resistance. If stage 1 resistance is a feeling of doom, hopelessness and all that blues combined with the urge to change subs, then stage 2 resistance is a sudden certainty that the sub causes some form of physical harm to you. There is a thought-flash about some perceived ailment that is somehow connected with the subliminal you are running. It is all nonsense of course, but for a moment it seems very real. Or maybe I am just being weird.

Anyway, there are changes underway. Even if I don't know what exactly is changing. This feeling of flow is unique. And I only get it with 5.5Gs.

[Greenduck]

Totally know what you are talking about regarding the "stage 2 resistance".