Self Esteem 5.5--New experiences

[findingme]

I picked up SE 5.5 six days ago, having run UD for over 3 months. SE was and is a new experience for me.

I'd been reading Shannon's journal daily prior to this, someone asked if SE would be in DMSI, and the conversation had me be honest with myself. I haven't had much self esteem, shown by lifestyle choices I've had for years. So, I picked it up, excited and scared--both really.

I had some fears which surfaced the first 2 days or so, and I read others have them too. I kept reading Shannon's journal, and he pointed something out which I'm hanging on to. How can I expect something new, something unknown, or something that even scares me (secretly) to actually work if I'm always paying attention to it and messing with it? He spoke of set it and forget it, something not completely possible due to 6 loop limits. Still, I'm running the US version right now, having run hybrid the previous 4 days. Trust the process--words for myself.

Most of my reason for writing now is seeking answers to questions. For example, on day 2 our work truck stopped for lunch at a gas station. I walked up to the door, an attractive woman was walking out, she held the door for me--and we locked eyes. My habit is normally to look down to kill the tension, but we kept eye contact. We both smiled, and I said something to have her smile more. We kept going our separate ways, but I never do this. Never. What's in SE? I noticed my sexual desires waking up some that day. Is this why people jump on DMSI? It truly got my attention. I could use a little more of that.

I looked for other memorable moments like that with women, but none so dramatic. I am having a few more real, honest moments with male coworkers, when moments arrive. It feels good when it happens. I worked with one guy this week who is very encouraging. I felt like I had something to offer, whereas I've very often felt inferior to vocal, articulate men with charisma. I really enjoyed work this week though. SE is doing something positive in me.

I did ask Shannon weeks back if SE did any clearing like UD did. He said yes, but the focus is on its goal, not clearing.

With that said, I know MLS will make you pull away from people who are negative or who heavily detract from its goal. I know one MLS user who has experienced such effects. Now........ my mom has called 2ce in the last few days. I keep.......ignoring her. I haven't listened to her voicemail yet, for it's guilt-ridden, for me. She is an active dawn-to-dusk alcoholic, hides in her house, and my hesitation is that she needs me to feed her emotionally when I'm over, like it's my job to make her feel good about herself. (It's draining, actually). I've done the same, most often seen at work with males throughout the years. I just have no drive, no pervasive guilt, to go see my mom or call her. I'm still feeling this out, making no changes. I'm wondering if SE is doing this to me, for it's very real and very subtle.

Powerful changes these are, when I think on them.

I'll share one more thing, linking to the last thing I wrote. I've expected and been disappointed by males numerous times over the years, me needing and expecting them to validate me, encourage me, make me feel "good enough", and it never lasts. In fact, the fear of rejection has kept me off this board many times; other forums too. I could be an emotional vacuum. I'm not wanting or needing to be in that loop here on this board. This is very new for me. I have this entire book of stories in the negative in my head, and I've spilled them to receive attention or validate myself. I've never done the opposite much. But I am doing it now, even imaging something good in the future, where possibilities lie.

SE is having me feel good, really. I'm allowing it presently, listening to SE.

[findingme]

I experienced something early on with Universal Detox (UD), and I'm feeling it now with SE.

It's an awareness of my own habitual, fear-driven, and survival minded BS. I'll lie in a heartbeat to look good in front of others. I've not been social in the last 24 hours (after getting off work yesterday), but I'm seriously questioning my honesty now. I became aware of it in my first post here, since "looking good" was (maybe still is) an old known survival feel-good tool.

It bothers me. Most of my (imagined) interactions are based off old tools. I don't like me when I lie, lie, lie. This must be a clearing stage.

TBH, I'm a little insecure sharing since my old MO was seeking attention when I had problems.

I'm not up. I'm not down.......well, I feel a little sad. However, I know letting go, or grieving, is a good thing. Yet a little fear surfaces since this is "new".

Not major problems, just part of the journey.


Thanks to Greenduck for saying "think less, feel more" in a post of his. I need more of that.

[findingme]

My mom called, and I picked it up. I felt like hiding, so my voice was low initially. I hid behind the excuse of working 6 days this week, yet I was simultaneously hoping I could come out of my preset "I don't want to be honest with you" mode.

I relaxed, forcing nothing on myself, aware I could lie, but I didn't want to. It was a pleasant enough conversation for me, though my one sharing of why I'd not called.........was not me being emotionally honest. I totally dodged the elephant in the room, saying I'd began being aware of old feelings and held off from calling back since it was all my stuff, not hers. So, maybe I was being dishonest with her to not stress her. It didn't and doesn't sit well with me. I felt and acted like a little boy afraid of being punished.

What I'm saying is that lying/hiding/dodging the truth does not build my self esteem. I lied to myself to cope with her possible (imagined) disappointment, and I deserve better treatment--from myself.

Did I just write that?

[findingme]

I need to share something.

I had a pleasant day with my coworker. I'd been a bit befuddled mentally in the morning (listened too long yesterday), yet. Yet. My coworker, here and there, began opening himself up to me about life experiences, his feelings around certain coworkers, and beliefs on certain topics. Nothing major, but since he's like 3 steps down from the head boss, he's a recent Army combat veteran (over 3 tours), and he doesn't make friends easily, I realized he was attempting a friendship with me. He wanted to be an equal. He wanted to feel safe being himself. He was trusting me.

Well, about 10 minutes before we got back to our shop, he began talking about some coworkers he didn't trust, and why. While he was talking, I realized that I can be exactly like some of those men--giving myself away for wrong reasons, only to receive some attention (attention was love to me growing up).

I considered opening up with this very truth.............but didn't. I almost got honest with him. I almost did. I almost trusted him, in my actions.


So, what I realized is: I'd sat listening, and when he got honest, I checked my own honesty. I realized I lie to myself first, as if it's a game and I'm hiding--from me. There's no pride sharing that. It's my "scared to share/scared to know/hidden all the time" truth.

Shit. That's it.

I began crying just now, just a little.

How do I not abandon myself so much?
How do I love myself?
How can I heal the wounded part of myself? (I own E2 and UD)

Being real here--well, I had to squelch fear to write this. I had a big cup of coffee to do this, and it's almost 7PM. (head-smack)

P.S. I have been listening to SE on hybrid as I write. Last night, I read Shannon's description of PTPA 5.5 .......and it sounded like me. I owned that description. (E2 has PTPA..........)

I'm unsure how to handle this, having no clear "do this, do that" instructions. My head is trying to be louder than my heart. Going to post this now.

[findingme]

Well, I began SE again, after quitting after one week.

I'm on it. The honesty thing is kicking in, slower than after UD, but it's there. It's been only 3 days now. I followed Ben's suggestion, began it, and have been reading guy's journals on SE.

I have no idea how to package my feelings in words presently, so I'm just writing.

My first day after listening (at night), I began realizing quite clearly how often I've put so much trust into persons, for a single reason: to have them love me in some way. It's my major motivation to go to work today. I'm working with a new driver on our route, he's been nervous, and I imagined a bit throughout the day all the times I've sidelined all directions, plans, and goals of my life to focus on another's. I've totally s*** on myself to "help" someone else to extract some kind of love.

Today I couldn't do that. Not really. I don't understand why.

I remember fearing I'd suck the life/emotions out of him (imagining killing the friendship fast).................and I didn't share that needy part of me. I am in a clearing phase. I'll allow it, keep reading other's experiences...... .......... and (f***) write. Tell someone. Share here.

Grief. I feel this sad, powerful energy wanting to come out--I'm "trying" to be in control--despite me "knowing" it'll be best to let it out. I ran from this same feeling while on UD. I feared (Shannon's words here) that I'd lose "me". The only one I've ever known. Like I'd not know what to do without my emotionless, numb wall up. Like I'd never stop crying.

One day minute second. at a time.

I need help. Friendships. People I can rely on. People I can be honest with. Be me with.

I have no "packages" of me. I just have me. I am just me.


No idea what I just wrote

[Benjamin]

What you just wrote, confirms that Self Esteem was a good choice for the program for you to use.

[findingme]

Thanks Ben.

[Shannon]

Transforming into a butterfly requires the caterpillar to let go of being a caterpillar.

[findingme]

Why am I afraid?

I'm home today, having been up late last night doing reading online due to lots of coffee late. I've been home today, I cancelled on my normal gathering tonight, and I resumed some work on a Youtube business I'm creating.

I'm responding to Shannon's message actually, as I'm seeing my fear of change hanging on and making itself known. And wow--I realized something very clearly this last hour. In short, the major fear I've held (or has held me) is a fear of abandonment. I'll clarify.

If I can make money online, I may have people abandon me by me not being so reliable or dependable for my present job.
Also, I've been eyeing investment avenues, trading avenues....and I'll regularly start/stop/start/stop moving forward. I'll look into an opportunity, realize its profitability.......and will realize I equate it with "I'll abandon people". So, it's shelved. I've done this almost 4 years now, mostly since I've been looking at ways to earn money outside my regular job. The abandonment feeling has stayed, non-stop. Old fear has hung onto me these last 24 hours while home.

I'll run SE for a number of months, but does it tend to work heavily on disempowering old beliefs if they clash with subliminal goals? I've had this fear my whole life. It's directed every major decision I have ever made. Without a doubt.

Along those same lines, I resumed my Youtube channel creation today......and my focus on this was matched with a fear of abandonment, a very uncomfortable feeling. I stayed on it over an hour, and I finally pulled off it. I had SE running on my PC here, so being considerate of myself became a priority.

Lastly, I said I cancelled my meeting with my normal Saturday guys. I'll share my "why". When I began Universal Detox, I was meeting with them then, and my "lie detector" was loud and clear. At that time, we were doing a 12 step study before the meeting, and I could safely vent my honest feelings and reactions during my sharing times. UD has this "lie detector" in it, and I think SE does too.

But now, our step study is over, and I'm very bothered by one guy's perpetual denial of his life. As a former addict, he tries to be a perpetual optimist, but his lack of awareness is showing up in his side business (in debt constantly) and with his family, who share he's not around most of the time. I come to see these 2 guys, wish to be honest and genuine, and am met up with hyped denial. I don't mix with that. I have held on to these "friends" for months due to this fear of feeling abandoned--I realize that now.


I've been writing here almost 20 minutes. I've wondered if I will say what I need to. I sit here now, realizing a sadness is rising in me. Shannon said letting go was needed......... Today I thought of that, and out loud said "ok". I wish to face my pain, if I need to. Like my friend, I've held onto perpetual denial of my life. Uggg. I've not accepted him since...I've not accepted me.

I wish to/want to accept myself, whether in pain or in jubilation. (Will SE do this?)

[findingme]

One of my most motivating truths I've noticed was actually created by myself.

I have read T. Harv Eker's "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind", and months back a friend printed out the principles, which I placed in my bathroom. Eker lists 17 principles comparing how rich people think vs. how poor people think.

Number #3 is "Rich people are committed to being rich. Poor people want to be rich"

I was on my commode, and this sheet's been in front of me since that time. I wondered "do I really want to be rich?" My actual wants quickly steered to emotional health. For myself, actual peace of mind is a "gold" I seek or want more than any tangible riches.

I thought quickly. As a teacher, I know the best teachers "steal" from each other regularly. If it works for one, it's understood others will use it too. Education is ideally a win-win scenario. So, I used Eker's quote and adapted it.

"Emotionally healthy people are committed to being emotionally rich and healthy. Emotionally sick people only want to be emotionally healthy."

That's why I'm here. It's why I use subs. I see it as passive income for the mind.

[findingme]

I've been in an in-between mode lately. I'm making decisions to move forward, mostly in areas I've really not moved forward on, like career and money moves. I've been radically scared for years, but even the shame and low self worth I felt from hiding/failing was bearable vs. the panic I'd feel when I felt forced to move forward.

I still have fear--I'm still hanging on to it--evidenced by a feeling of sadness that just came up while writing. But SE is steadily challenging and battling my "I'm unworthy" beliefs.

Today I'm both studying for my CDL (commercial drivers license) for work, and also working with a trader I've known for a while. 10 years ago, I'd feel the same fear I'm feeling now, and hide out quickly. I'd call out of work, hide in 12 step meetings or not go, and distance myself from anyone close. I'd be in FU mode, needing to escape. Isolation was my peace. I'd hide in a movie, novel, or anywhere else I'd not face reality.

I even came here (literally) between "I'm making progress" and "I want comfort". I feel some shame when sharing the latter, but I'm seeing hands (in my mind) desperately trying to hang on. On. Off. On. Off. Maybe I'm building strength in other areas, and the fear and shame is losing its fervor.

I do need support. I've been imagining me going back to a 12 step meeting a few times. Me going with the same tools, techniques, and lies is out. I won't repeat that. I can't. Won't. I don't wish to do my "not me" approach. I'm seeing new possibilities at times, and I've not gone yet. I am not ready yet. No pretending.


I just realized I look into the future and instantly imagine failure and shame. I've not looked into the future much lately :-). I hurt myself by doing this.

Some things are changing.

[findingme]

And I had doubts about ultrasonic affecting me. I was wrong. I've been using US the last 24 hours, and it's definitely busy in me. I dreamt of the clash of me (my present thinking) with SE's message. It was so real.

I'll say I'm grateful dreams can resolve major conflicts in us. I'd sleep a LOT more if this is normal :-)

[Zane]

Just hang in therefore buddy.. . Your life is gonna change if u keep on moving forward and not give up.

Happy that u r making progress. Everyday u will change a little.

[findingme]

Thanks Zane. Thank you for speaking up. I'll keep it simple tonight.

I'm still changing. I didn't sleep much at all last night, and I worked over 12 hours today. I'll write this then drop.

Past: When tired and lonely, I'd look for an emotional "fix". I'm seeing it now as an emotional hijack. ("It's got me and .....it's calling the shots now!!!") Never vocalized, but acted out over and over and over again, even in recent days.

Today: I'm more unwilling (not wanting) to go "back". Back to a known misery of being helpless over .....too much caffeine for me.

Past: I'd come home, feel low and just submit to the escape.

Today: I'm feeling tired of just accepting misery. I don't have replacements/substitutes in place---I am not thinking about it. Today (tonight) I'm going to drop for a full night's sleep.


I'm tired, so I'm going to drop now. Goodnight guys.