STAGE 2 1/3 Way Through Episode
Just got up from a week in bed from depression. I was completely weak with a never ending voice that was pounding down at me constantly without remorse, reminding me of every negative thing under my Cranium, inside my skin and how all that related to everything else under the sun.
Then staring out the window I saw a bird fly and I thought how pointless, it’s not even aware it’s alive, just acting on pure instinct, one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have to deal with the predators lying in wait.
Then a few thoughts later It occurred to me how truly stupid it all is, people motivated by pure animal instinct just like that bird but with a little awareness of the influences and reactions to the stimuli.
If someone prises someone else, a little squirt of pleasure chemicals are instinctively released in the brain/body making that person feel good, but then in a span of a few seconds that same person can get criticised and the opposite reaction is processed by the brain/body; in the time been all the person can do is just be aware of the chemical reactions.
I mean sure that person could use stress reducing techniques in an attempt to manage and manipulate they own emotions for a more pleasant result, but it’s still stupid and a huge waste of time.
Of course am no expect at emotions but am sure that in the far distance past like 100,000 years ago it helped to have your brain hijack your Freewill and make you behave in ways that get you approval increasing your survival chances within your tribe or clan, but this is the 21th century when was the last time you read of a public stoning or banishment from the town or city because the community voted that some guy was a assh*ole jerk that no one liked?
So a lay in that bed day after day just thinking, just like that bird every action I took was for a another natural hit of that dopamine, so if I gained the approval of my parents (HIT), became a popular person (HIT, HIT), got lots of money and felt important in comparison to my peers (HIT.HIT,HIT), had lots of women wanting me and sleeping around (HIT, HIT,HIT,HIT).
Just like that f*cking bird flying to and fro unaware that am blinded by instinct and the systems created by those that take advantage of that basic human feedback loop (for good or bad none the less).
Unlike that bird, I can stop mindlessly going to and fro pointlessly chasing a HIT of that dope and I can stop and stop chasing that carrot society dangles at me with all its expectations of what a male life is supposed to be like. Why can I get that HIT from accepting and approving of myself, why can’t I just try my best and even if I come last still get that HIT cause I pushed myself to the limit.
If no one likes me, if I have more enemies and few ally’s, if no attractive women want me sexually or romantically, if I happened to grown old as a lone wolf WHY should I feel terrible for the next 16,800 or so next days of my life, WHY should I feel bad about myself and feel worthless of my life just because some little glands in my brain responsible for the release of dopamine is more concerned with pleasing other people than with pleasing myself.
Now, the fear is the unknown, it seems almost unnatural to be the source of your own love, approval, validation, self-importance, and self-worth and so on. Almost like a mental disorder in its own class, either way it seems like the next step of man-kinds evolution, no more crab in the bucket type of behaviours of a shot of that dope, if you have ever been addicted to a drug externally and been bed ridden from depression you will hopefully get the full picture of what am saying.
Am a lot more detacted emotionally to the outside world now, I don’t have to feel a certain way (negative) just because am hardwired wired to, so between the suicidal thoughts and asking myself what’s the point of it all, an answer emerged.
Corny I know, but you make your own point, you give life your own meaning, and it’s evident by the countless religions, political systems, cultures, philosophies and metholodologies. I guess what am saying is it easy to get lost when you living in someone else’s world (or a group of peoples )and by someone else’s standards, DO YOUR OWN S*IT, get laxative if you have to, life is too meaningless to die with regrets.
Just got up from a week in bed from depression. I was completely weak with a never ending voice that was pounding down at me constantly without remorse, reminding me of every negative thing under my Cranium, inside my skin and how all that related to everything else under the sun.
Then staring out the window I saw a bird fly and I thought how pointless, it’s not even aware it’s alive, just acting on pure instinct, one of the lucky ones that doesn’t have to deal with the predators lying in wait.
Then a few thoughts later It occurred to me how truly stupid it all is, people motivated by pure animal instinct just like that bird but with a little awareness of the influences and reactions to the stimuli.
If someone prises someone else, a little squirt of pleasure chemicals are instinctively released in the brain/body making that person feel good, but then in a span of a few seconds that same person can get criticised and the opposite reaction is processed by the brain/body; in the time been all the person can do is just be aware of the chemical reactions.
I mean sure that person could use stress reducing techniques in an attempt to manage and manipulate they own emotions for a more pleasant result, but it’s still stupid and a huge waste of time.
Of course am no expect at emotions but am sure that in the far distance past like 100,000 years ago it helped to have your brain hijack your Freewill and make you behave in ways that get you approval increasing your survival chances within your tribe or clan, but this is the 21th century when was the last time you read of a public stoning or banishment from the town or city because the community voted that some guy was a assh*ole jerk that no one liked?
So a lay in that bed day after day just thinking, just like that bird every action I took was for a another natural hit of that dopamine, so if I gained the approval of my parents (HIT), became a popular person (HIT, HIT), got lots of money and felt important in comparison to my peers (HIT.HIT,HIT), had lots of women wanting me and sleeping around (HIT, HIT,HIT,HIT).
Just like that f*cking bird flying to and fro unaware that am blinded by instinct and the systems created by those that take advantage of that basic human feedback loop (for good or bad none the less).
Unlike that bird, I can stop mindlessly going to and fro pointlessly chasing a HIT of that dope and I can stop and stop chasing that carrot society dangles at me with all its expectations of what a male life is supposed to be like. Why can I get that HIT from accepting and approving of myself, why can’t I just try my best and even if I come last still get that HIT cause I pushed myself to the limit.
If no one likes me, if I have more enemies and few ally’s, if no attractive women want me sexually or romantically, if I happened to grown old as a lone wolf WHY should I feel terrible for the next 16,800 or so next days of my life, WHY should I feel bad about myself and feel worthless of my life just because some little glands in my brain responsible for the release of dopamine is more concerned with pleasing other people than with pleasing myself.
Now, the fear is the unknown, it seems almost unnatural to be the source of your own love, approval, validation, self-importance, and self-worth and so on. Almost like a mental disorder in its own class, either way it seems like the next step of man-kinds evolution, no more crab in the bucket type of behaviours of a shot of that dope, if you have ever been addicted to a drug externally and been bed ridden from depression you will hopefully get the full picture of what am saying.
Am a lot more detacted emotionally to the outside world now, I don’t have to feel a certain way (negative) just because am hardwired wired to, so between the suicidal thoughts and asking myself what’s the point of it all, an answer emerged.
Corny I know, but you make your own point, you give life your own meaning, and it’s evident by the countless religions, political systems, cultures, philosophies and metholodologies. I guess what am saying is it easy to get lost when you living in someone else’s world (or a group of peoples )and by someone else’s standards, DO YOUR OWN S*IT, get laxative if you have to, life is too meaningless to die with regrets.
If you can't manage the little you have now, who will trust you with more, if you can't control yourself long can you rule over others for? Its easier for a king to rule a kingdom than himself and who does want an empire? Being unconquerable lies with yourself!
