Apex-Predator Evolutionary Log - AM6 RE-RUN Stage 2 - Letting go

[Dee]

I have been demotivated for the last week or longer and now am feeling like giving up. Giving up on life, am just tired of it all. I feel has if this is all just a cruel joke, I have had the opportunity to have everything I ever wanted in my life but I fucked it all up somehow. What’s the point of keeping myself in this cycle of tease, torment, depression.

I mean I still don’t feel depressed or sad as much as I feel tried and feel like quitting, eternal sleep sounds like a pretty peaceful rest at the moment. Probably the moment will pass and tomorrow will be another day but am tried of walking around in life feeling defeated, I feel dead. 7 billion people on earth and the wheel of dyslexia fell on me.

Life isn’t fair that’s what the worm said when the bird was eating it. Life is fucked up, more accurately my life is fucked up. I see no way out now, I use to get motivation by the fact I would show them when I make it, but now I know it doest matter what people think.

If my business flops I don’t know what I will do, I used to fear death before because of hell and now I don’t believe in hell. I listen to all these motivational speakers but they stuff only works for people who can learn new skills and I haven’t be able to spell properly since kindergarten. Life isn’t fair but then again who said it was supposed to be. Religion turned me into a weak person, and now that I know the myth was stolen from predating cultures its structures are falling apart in my mind.

I used to think about killing myself when I was a teen and I figured carbon car fumes, a lot of booze, sleep sedatives and all the depressing music that’s ever moved me. Before as a teen I had hope with my music and my fragile ego failed me again when my prize was staring me in the eyes with an inviting smile. Now if my business fails It would be because I failed it, as all the conditions are right.

Then I don’t know what I’ll do. I done temp work at a factory putting apples in bags, I would find it hard to concentrate after time as my mind will go far, far away from that time and place and ‘I’ll be slow or lose count a lot.

I can’t see myself working in a factory making mistakes doing work a trained money can do, then driving to a shack in a small beaten down car feeling like an idiot because of a days work, then going to be alone by myself because I can’t stop thinking about my problems long enough to enjoy the company of another person. Then I start facing the possibility that I might die alone or marry any desperate person I can get my hands on.

Then I have another life time watching my kids suffer with a learning disability I gave them, with a depressed dad who lacks in confidence marred to a women he either loves or finds attractive. That life will kill me anyway, that’s not living, and to bring kids into that life is even worst.
If you normal be grateful for that gift. Sometimes I try to cheer up self-up by reminding myself of people in poorer countries but I only feel worst because there still some normal hardworking or smart people who still date, have sex , friends, fun, find love and joy and still manage to support them selfs and they familes.

And here I am in one of the richest places on earth, where money get rich motivating others to get rich, with opputines right left and centre, free education and women from all over the world and am still a fuck up. It’s like a cruel joke the gods are playing on me and I have no will left to see how it ends. I now tomorrow I’ll be feeling different but if my business does fail because of me, I’ll be down for so long people will probably confuse me with a beggar.

Be grateful for what you have and appreciate your self more you could have been born with something fundamentally wrong with your brain or body. You still have a happy mind and you can change your thoughts and conditions, am stuck with this for life so be grateful.