AM 5.0 for Gay Men - Adri's Journal

[Adri]

I don't want to have children at the moment. But I may want to have children later in my life, I don't know. I think there's no difference between wanting and having a child in a straight couple and in a gay couple, apart from the biological impossibilities. But a lot of straight couples adopt children and it's basically the same thing as if a gay couple would adopt a chold. Studies have demonstrated that children raised by gay couples were having the same childhood as children raised by straight couples. For me adopting a child is making the child such a huge gift! That's partly why I want to become a better human being. Running AM is to help myself but also to be able to behave in a way that does not harm people.

[Adri]

Day 77bis

I'm sad again and I think I know why. I hate my life in Belgium. When I see anything that has to do with America, in particular High School lifestyle or any other of any american young lifestyle, I feel so sad. I don't know what's in it that I want to have, but not having it and being reminded of it makes me sad. I'll go to university soon and I know the lifestyle I'll have there. Studying, meeting people, going out. Nothing different from the american lifestyle I think. So why? I don't know...
But a thing that really makes me feel sad is american football. I would be so glad if I could be part of an american team. Playing in the rain, hearing the crowd, knowing something's going to happen, relying on the team more than on yourself, running as fast as you can to win, the equipment around you, protecting you, the shock of the bodies of the players, the cheerleaders, ...
I know I have an idealized view. For all the good things I can think of, there will always be bad things.

I dislike Belgium so much. Want to get out of there asap. But not possible financially. And even getting out of Belgium would not give me this lifestyle I want. Sadness. I don't want to fit in a lifestyle. I want the lifestyle to fit me.

[SargeMaximus]

I don't want to have children at the moment. But I may want to have children later in my life, I don't know. I think there's no difference between wanting and having a child in a straight couple and in a gay couple, apart from the biological impossibilities. But a lot of straight couples adopt children and it's basically the same thing as if a gay couple would adopt a chold. Studies have demonstrated that children raised by gay couples were having the same childhood as children raised by straight couples. For me adopting a child is making the child such a huge gift! That's partly why I want to become a better human being. Running AM is to help myself but also to be able to behave in a way that does not harm people.

Yeah, but why would you want children if it's not a biological urge to do so? You kinda side-stepped my question...

[Adri]

I don't want to have children at the moment. But I may want to have children later in my life, I don't know. I think there's no difference between wanting and having a child in a straight couple and in a gay couple, apart from the biological impossibilities. But a lot of straight couples adopt children and it's basically the same thing as if a gay couple would adopt a chold. Studies have demonstrated that children raised by gay couples were having the same childhood as children raised by straight couples. For me adopting a child is making the child such a huge gift! That's partly why I want to become a better human being. Running AM is to help myself but also to be able to behave in a way that does not harm people.

Yeah, but why would you want children if it's not a biological urge to do so? You kinda side-stepped my question...

I don't know why I would want children. As I said, I don't want children at this moment and I don't know why I would want children in the future. But maybe later in my life I'll be able to answer your question.
I know it's not the kind of answer you were asking for, but I've absolutely no idea.

[SargeMaximus]

It's ok, I'm just curious.

[Adri]

I totally understand, a lot of friends ask me questions all the time about being gay. I do think a gay relationship is very similar to a straight relationship, apart from the fact that we can't have children

[swisston]

But a thing that really makes me feel sad is american football. I would be so glad if I could be part of an american team. Playing in the rain, hearing the crowd, knowing something's going to happen, relying on the team more than on yourself, running as fast as you can to win, the equipment around you, protecting you, the shock of the bodies of the players, the cheerleaders, ...

Been watching Friday Night Lights? Really good series.

Anyway, university is a perfect chance to reinvent yourself - you can be whoever you want there.

[Adri]

But a thing that really makes me feel sad is american football. I would be so glad if I could be part of an american team. Playing in the rain, hearing the crowd, knowing something's going to happen, relying on the team more than on yourself, running as fast as you can to win, the equipment around you, protecting you, the shock of the bodies of the players, the cheerleaders, ...

Been watching Friday Night Lights? Really good series.

Anyway, university is a perfect chance to reinvent yourself - you can be whoever you want there.

Hey swisston, I would really like to watch this serie but I don't have the time to watch any serie at the moment. Next week I'll be on holiday, I may start this one

For university, the problem is that a lot of people from my old school are at this specific university. But you're right, I don't have to be the same guy as I was before. I want to become a really social guy, someone who knows everybody. I've been studying this stuff a lot but I'm afraid to apply the things I learnt. I still fear to speak to strangers. But AM will hopefully help me with that.

[Adri]

Days 78 - 79

Today (day 79), I was feeling so great in the bus! At school, I was kind of laid back. Very comfortable.
When me and my friends lunch, we lunch outside when it is sunny. And today was beautiful. No clouds in the sky. Big sun. Warm! We sat in front of where a guy was sitting with one of his girl friend. This guy is very beautiful and acts kind of gay. Maybe he's not gay but it does not matter that much! It's the second time I see him there. I really want to talk to him. But I'm not able to move towards him. I hope I'll see him again and that this time I'll be able to talk to him.
Back to school, I tried to write my beliefs about approaching asking questions to myself. First belief:"I can't approach". Bam! There it is. That's the belief that's holding me back. If I can't approach, I'll never be able to approach. The only way to break it is by approaching. That way, I'll see that I can approach. To approach him, I just have to take the first step. Once the first step is taken, no going back allowed. That's how I moved forward in life. Taking the first step, letting my unconscious guide me through what needs to be done. But I fear that my unconscious doesn't know how to approach effectively. So basically that's fear of rejection. I can't approach because I fear of being rejected. It is not horrible, I know I'll get better the more I try. But something is holding me. Running OAA seems so obvious. But I don't want to mess up with AM. I'll write a mail to the team to know if I can.

Have a nice and beautiful day,
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 80 - 82

We had a trainee in our geometry class, giving us 4 hours per week for 2 weeks. Day 81 (yesterday) was his last day with us. Our geometry teacher always tried to drag him down. She was very mean with him! I decided with one friend that we would offer him a bottle of wine for his last day. Alcohol is prohibited in our school and I feared that my geometry teacher would tell me something if she saw me giving the trainee the bottle of wine. But I had to do it because everybody I was the one who had the bottle. So at the end of the course, I went to the trainee and told him that all the people in the class were thanking him and wishing him a good luck. He was so happy! Such a big smile on his face! Made my day

I have contacted the team about OAA and it should be OK to run it. I said I would wait Shannon advice but I did not want to wait anymore, this fear of approaching is really awful! So I'm now running OAA for Gay Men along with AM5. I hope the results will be there! I'm 40 minutes into OAA right now

Apart from that, I now notice that I sometimes walk slower and that I now take other people into consideration when I'm saying something. What I mean by that is that I always step back before saying something thinking "What does he want to hear?". That way I'm more smooth with people I find.

I think I will try to go out during the week with one of my girl friend. Hopefully OAA will slowly make me approach guys.

Have a nice Week End,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 83

So I've got an answer from Shannon about OAA. I should not run it until I've finished Stage 3! I hope that my listening yesterday (4 hours) did not do too much damage
Apart from that, I am now starting to explicit boundaries. Because my little brother is the only one I saw today, he's the only one who had the pleasure to be treated by my "boundary talk": "Hey don't do that, I don't like it!" He was not taking me seriously so I restated it and said that I was serious, 2 more times! But I think he now understands that what he did is not okay anymore.

Nothing else to say, bye
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 84 - 85

I'm back to getting angry to some people when they annoy me. But because those people are my parents for the moment, I try to contain myself. It works.

I also feel like I am able to have a better sense of the logic of a given situation. For example, I was eating with my parents and my mother is anxious about a meeting. I told her that she just had to stay calm during the whole meeting, even if the others were getting angry. And as every time I tell her an advice, she finds a way to get angry on me. (Don't know why but she does and I really dislike it. I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets angry one more time everytime I try.) Then I try to keep her "down", I just tell her it's ok, that she is right and that we should just stop talking about that. And my father steps in and says "stop bothering mother!". I tell him that I'm not trying to bother her, I'm trying to bring the conversation to an end! He does not "believe" me and says that I should stop trying to manipulate everybody. I tell him "okay, just leave it there" and went away.
The fact is that I'm not trying to manipulate anyone! My mother is getting angry at me because I give her advices and when I try to stop the conversation, my father says I'm trying to manipulate everybody. They are not logical at all! For them of course, what happened is highly logical from their point of view. But I just have tried to advise my mother and then because it did not work, I tried to end the conversation. That's it. But they got angry. I think they are running those old patterns again and again. I feel like to them I am the bad one, the one trying to fight. I'm not, but in their reality that's what I am. So be it, I'll have to live with it.
Since years my parents are getting angry at me (sometimes for good reasons I should say), I never had such an introspective view into what happens. I now pick up the pattern and can break free of it.

I've had a dream today in which every guys (there were only guys around me) was trying to help me move through something like a storm by giving me their T-Shirts (which magically made me move forward. weird.) So they all had their torso naked. After the storm, I was in a place (a sort of party in a magical forest) where there was an acquaintance of mine (who is a quasi-alpha guy, he still has to demonstrate that his parents got money) and he told me "hey, I know a gay guy, would you like to meet him?". I said "sure" and he led me through the forest to a place where is friend was. His friend was in fact a guy who used to look at me all the time in my old school. Very attractive and muscular guy.
And then I woke up, too bad

Have a nice, week
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 85 - 91

So long I've not written in my journal! Well I've not done too much during this week, that's why I've not written that much. Basically, I met with an old friend earlier this week and everything went very nice! I had a good time with him. Maybe I've bored him a little bit, when I speak about something that passionates me (like the fit of my jeans or my body hair ) I tend to talk a lot even if the other person is not responding to me. I always forget to match investment level.

But besides that, I feel pretty confident but still with some insecurities around people. I went to my grand-mother's house. I had not seen her for 1 week or so and she told me that my shoulders were moving when I walked. I always used to be very rigid in the way I walk. My shoulders were not moving that much before. But now that my grand-mother pointed it to me, I now notice my shoulders moving, which is great, my body language is improving. But because of that (at least I think), I've got back pain. I hope it will soon go away.

That's it for my week, bye guys!
-Adri

[Adri]

Days 92 - 96

Everything's going pretty good. Starting stage 4 tonight ! I now feel more alpha. As I said in an earlier post, I still feel some insecurities around certain people but overall I've got a lot of my insecurities handled. Still feeling some kind of anxiousness when stepping out of my comfort zone (which means things like going to the hairdresser ) but it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I'll need to do stress relief at one point in time, I think I've got unconscious stress going on.
But apart of that, I am quite happy with stage 3, I've not seen much of a difference but I feel like something has changed. Change happens unconsciously before you become consciously aware of it.
Overall, I think I'm more alpha than I ever have.

Nothing else to say, see you on stage 4
-Adri