AM 5.0 for Gay Men - Adri's Journal

[Adri]

Hey andrewl ! Yes, I do also feel that steadier ground. I'm definitely becoming more balanced and stable.

I can't remember how I was before but I'm sure that if I was to look back, I would see awesome changes in my life.

And you're right, I think I have an emotional issue of wanting love from the outside to make me feel good. I hope LTU will help me deal with that.

[Adri]

Day 155 - 159

Results of Stage 5: More assertive, I tell my opinion more easily and without fear, less fear overall, I am more at ease with people, don't give a **** what others think about me.

But I still have issues like Social Anxiety. Yesterday I was working in the changing rooms of the clothes shop I work at and I saw a guy (who I know is gay) waiting for his turn to use the changing rooms. I was scared ! Really scared ! That guy scared me. That's an old response I used to have to other people. Whenever I was seeing someone I thought was better than me, I was scared. And it happened today with that guy. I had to talk to him because I had to ask him how many clothes he had to try, and it scared me so much ! But he went away once he saw me, I think he was scared too (I remember he was a really shy guy).

My breakup was becoming more manageable but yesterday and today I was very sad and angry at my exbf. I think that's because yesterday was the prom of my old school (he is in my old school) and we had planned (when we were still together) to go there together. I was waiting for that night so much ! I really wanted to go there with him, dance with him, ... But he broke up with me so I didn't go to the prom. I saw photos on Facebook and he was so beautiful in his suit ! And it made me sad. And angry because he broke up with me. I want him so bad !

I am also becoming impatient with AM5. This program is just driving me nuts ! Yes I am getting good results, but I feel like a plateau and I want to switch subs ! I will not do it of course, I've not done 5 months of AM for nothing ! But I do want to run LTU (or EPRHA as Shannon recommended to me) to get rid of all those bad emotions. I have a widget on my phone which tells me how much time left there is before I finish AM5. I really want to finish this program quickly, but there are still 33 nights for me to do :/ That's sooo long ! I will not break the momentum I have created by listening to it for 5 months, but I really do want to. I want to switch to EPRHA today ! I will not do it but I think I am hating AM5 at the moment.

Last night of Stage 5 tonight, let's see what Stage 6 will bring to the table. I hope it will balance my emotions because they have been all over the place since I have started Stage 5.

See ya guys,
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 160

Hi guys, went out yesterday and saw the new boyfriend of the exbf of my exbf with the exbf of my exbf (makes sense ? ) I felt really really bad ! I think that now I understand why I'm feeling so bad. I think I have a problem with seeing people happy without me, like I am rejected because they are happy and me not. Like for the new bf of the ex of my ex: he's gay and he's happy but I'm not and I want to do whatever is possible to destroy their happiness. The same with my exbf: because he's not with me anymore, I cannot conceive he can be happy without me. And the matter of fact is that I speak to his friends (who happen to also be friends of mine) about how bad I feel with the hope that they will go talk to my exbf and tell him that I'm feeling bad and that as a result he will also feel bad. I think this problem is evil ! When people are unhappy and I am happy, or when I have more success than them, I feel so good ! Really, it makes me feel good to be happy while other people are not ! Let's just state here that I do not do this with my true friends, I only do this with people "I don't like". And there are a lot of them ! I tend to dislike people just because they appear to me to have more success than me ! Like people who had a bf before I had my first bf, I felt so bad that I completely started to dislike them. Going back to the ex of my exbf, I also have to say that I wanted to go out with him a year ago but didn't knew if he was gay or not so didn't make the step to go and talk to him. It happens to be that while I was fantasizing about him, he was already with my exbf !! When I knew that, boy I felt bad also ! Because my ex had been happy with a guy I wanted ! And that's when I was still with my ex ! So I was jealous at my ex because he went out with a guy I wanted one year ago. It made me angry at nights ! And now seeing that this guy (exbf of my exbf) is with someone else and happy with him, I feel bad again because I am alone ! I also feel bad because the exbf of my exbf is going out to gay bars while I am not. In fact gay bars scare me ! But I am jealous because he went there and found himself a new boyfriend. But I don't want to go there because I am "too good for that" ! I think I do have a severe emotional issue ! I buried it down but I may have an inferiority complex coupled with some other things. When I saw the exbf of my exbf yesterday, I secretly hoped he would see me and start to make me IOIs (PUA jargon ). It would have been a revenge to my exbf, while in fact I still love him. Gosh this is so complicated !!!! I think I do really need to run EPRHA to get me out of that sh*t ! What do you think about that guys ? It's scaring me, seriously !

On a side not, starting Stage 6 this night, 32 days left until EPRHA !

Bye guys,
-Adri

[SargeMaximus]

Hmm, well I'm not "gay", but I definitely know the feeling when you are angry at other people being happy but you're not. I used to have that all the time. It actually took me by surprise just now, I guess I mostly got over it, probably during AM 5 some time. Cool stuff. Anyhow, I'd say some issues are:

- How can you be happy in yourself/in your own company?
- Why do you NEED a "partner"?
- Do you feel LESS than other people, at all?

Ponder those for a bit.

[Adri]

Hmm, well I'm not "gay", but I definitely know the feeling when you are angry at other people being happy but you're not. I used to have that all the time. It actually took me by surprise just now, I guess I mostly got over it, probably during AM 5 some time. Cool stuff. Anyhow, I'd say some issues are:

- How can you be happy in yourself/in your own company?
- Why do you NEED a "partner"?
- Do you feel LESS than other people, at all?

Ponder those for a bit.

How can you be happy in yourself/in your own company?

You know, I thought I was before I went out with my ex. But apparently, my problems were just buried. I was "happy" with myself by doing things that would fulfill me, etc. but now that I look back, those things were just external ways for me to feel good about myself. I think I could be happy in myself by resolving my complexes and just understanding that I don't need others to feel good. But, while I understand the concept, I can't feel good about myself without external things.

Why do you NEED a "partner"?

Because I need someone to love me in order for me to love me. An issue for me years before was that I had no friends at all and I was very sad, I had a lot of problems with myself, suicidal thoughts. But I improved my social skills and the friends I made (especially the ones I made last year and this year) gave me the validation and "love" I "needed", but I was still wanting to go out with someone. I had a lot of requests by other guys just for having sex but I denied all of them because I wanted to feel love with the person I would have sex with. At the moment, having sex with someone I just happen to find attractive but without any emotional connection is impossible. So I need a partner to replace the love I don't have in myself.

Do you feel LESS than other people, at all?

In fact I do feel I'm better than other people, like they are inferior to me. But I know it's just a coping mechanism because I am jealous of their life and internally feel less than them.

Thanks for helping out Sarge Those issues have not been resolved during AM5 for me, I feel like I don't need the validation of others to do my thing, etc. but I do still need external love apparently + I have other issues like feeling inferior to other people.

[SargeMaximus]

Yep, I had the same thing. HUGE superiority complex, which I realized was actually a HUGE inferiority complex. I myself have some issues with "friends". While I'm making headway (added my trainer on facebook and he high-fived me for it lol) I still feel like I'm "tagging along". I want the sex but feel all the other guys will steal the girls from me, and I'll always be the "beta" male surrounded by the pack of "alphas". I'm convinced this is a childhood issue.

Have you tried tapping? Specifically, on childhood stuff?

[Adri]

You remind me a lot of who I am !
I need to do some tapping but I am focusing on Sedona atm because I am getting more release from it than from tapping. Maybe I just need to focus more on tapping. I don't know.
But like you I feel childhood is the Why of who I am today. I have been made fun of when I was a little boy, especially because I spent all my time with girls and because I was more feminine than other guys. I also have a greater IQ than average, which means that my brain wasn't at the same development stage than theirs, which created a feeling of being different than them. I have not grown up with the same experiences they have. I have to fight to fit in, but it's getting easier and easier with time. I can now create Instant Rapport with people, which amazes me. I am able to speak with people like we knew ourselves for years in just a few minutes of meeting. This is the skill I have developed I am the most proud of, even if I don't know how I do it
But yes, childhood does have a lot to do with my actual situation in my opinion.

[Adri]

Day 160 bis

OK, now I am feeling really strange ! I am regaining such a huge motivation boost ! But with it comes a feeling of anger. I am now thinking about my social future. I now want to go out to gay bars, meet other guys and have fun ! I think this is LGOPR working, cause I am listening to it. I'm angry at my exbf I don't know why. I cannot describe what's happening to me, I feel strange but don't have the words to explain it. I think I'll go to sleep because this is very uncomfortable. Let's start first night of Stage 6 !

[SargeMaximus]

Fitting in is interesting. I tried to fit in, couldn't, so stayed away from people. Nowadays, I'm accepting that everyone's different, and that no one really "fits in". Because of that, I can be who I really am more and more each day, and things are getting better and better in social situations.

I think this is LGOPR working, cause I am listening to it. I'm angry at my exbf I don't know why.

What's LGOPR?

[Adri]

It's Let Go Of Past Relationships And when I say fitting in, I don't mean being not myself, it's just being the best version of myself. Becoming a very social guy and having lots of friends.

[SargeMaximus]

It's Let Go Of Past Relationships And when I say fitting in, I don't mean being not myself, it's just being the best version of myself. Becoming a very social guy and having lots of friends.

Ah, finding your place, if you will.

You know, something I've noticed (it's a theory thus far) is that everyone you come across is usually in the same "place" (mentally, metaphysically) as you are. Think about it: If you've made certain choices to end up where you are at right now, then the people around you have made similar ones. Therefore there's really nothing "foreign" about people or anything, because if they weren't very similar to you, they wouldn't be around.

[Adri]

That's so true ! Never thought about it in that way before. I like this way of seeing the world. It could help me with some of my social anxiety so great thing to remind myself of ! Even if it's just a theory, it's worth remembering.

You know, as I am becoming more and more mature and adult, I'm starting to see that everyone has got it's own view of the world, which is uncompatible in some ways with the view of others. But for me, the only view that's "true" is the one that helps you the most in the outside world. No need to prove it, if it helps you then it's worth keeping.

[Adri]

Stage 6

Day 161 - 175

So I'm 15 days in Stage 6. Feel more alpha than ever. Body language is amazing. My response to people is still mixed, yesterday a guy told me to do something I didn't want to do (not very important but still) and I did it without thinking about it. A few seconds after that, I thought to myself "why did I do that ?". I still don't know but I know I should have not done it ! But I'm more alpha with people of my age (the guy was older than me). Really more alpha. A lot of fear and anxiety about me taking action has been removed. I do what I need/want to do without worrying. I'm also more aware of what's going on in other's people head and adapt my communication. I work with a guy who has got a very big ego. He says stuff like "She should just shut up, I am right, not her. Her opinion has no value. I have all the proofs. I am the best boyfriend ever, I don't understand why she broke up with me. She has got a problem, I'm not the problem !". What I do is that I tell him that I'm not OK with what he says but if he wants to believe that, that's his choice. He responded "Of course I believe that, I'm right, not her !". It makes me laugh, it annoys me a bit but I don't have the power to change him So I just go with the flow.

My breakup is going better. I have mixed feelings about my ex. I work at the same place than him. Our first day at that place was monday. He tried to say me "hello" but I completely ignored him. He kept staring at me during the whole day and some of my friends kept telling me that "a guy is looking at you all the time" Now, I don't know what that means. I don't know if he regrets me. But I don't think I want to go back together with him, now that I'm not with him anymore I can see that he has got a lot of emotional issues. But a part of me still wants him but I know it's more for the emotional connection with somebody than for himself. But I kept telling myself that maybe I'll try to go back with him.

My future plans are EPRHA, maybe Become Irresistibly Attractive To Handsome Gay Men and after that ASC or Attract your Perfect Boyfriend.
AYPB is a must for me, but maybe it's just my craving for external love. But I know that I should first let go of my old relationship with my ex.

Only 17 days left until the end. Want to start EPRHA so bad !

Bye
-Adri

[Adri]

Day 176 - 187

I absolutely don't know where I'm at. I know AM has done it's thing. I am an alpha. But I now also understand there is a lot more to just being an alpha. It's the first step. But today I am completely confused about my life. Where do I want to go ? What do I want to do ? Who do I want to be ? No answers to those questions. The answers were always obvious to me before. Today they are not anymore. I now see my life, beautifully crafted life, crash down. Not in a bad way because everything outside myself is going well. But inside I feel like a storm erased all my drives and motivations. I don't know what I want to do. Where I want to go with my life. Lots of questions without any answer. I want to cry sometimes. Because my life no longer is what it used to be. This is like a new begining. But a harsh beginning. AM gave me the good foundations to start well. But I will have to reconstruct everything internally.

A big question for me is: What do I want to do with my emotional life ? Do I want a commited relationship ? Or just sex ? Or both ?

What's driving me ? Why do I feel so bad when I see gay men of my age have a lot of gay friends ? Because I don't have any gay friend ?

Why am I feeling so bad thinking that some gay men I know are having or had sex with other gay men I know ? Why do I feel bad when they go out with each other ?

Tomorrow, I have decided I will go out to a gay bar. First time of my life. But I want a social gay life. Not just an average social life. So I'll take action, even if it scares me.

I hope EPRHA will help me deal with all of that, put myself back on the rails and stop my questioning. Because now, I need to choose and design my life how I want it to be. And to do that, I need to know what I want first.

-Adri