08-25-2019, 10:51 AM
It's funny, the chick who tore me a new one for being a whiney incel basically revealed she's a 59+ yo, post wall, marriage reject who doesn't get that she wasted her youth and all the high quality men don't want her now. And yet she "mentally vomits" at the notion of a mating market, probably because she's at the bottom of it with me, and doesn't want to face the harsh reality. Difference is, I can turn things around. I'm not on a sinking ship (or in her case, sunken ship). The whole "marrying myself" thing really comes across to me as making necessity a virtue, but there may still be some truth to it. If I had truly loved myself before, I wouldn't be in the pathetic situation I'm in now.
I really need money, and UMS has an aggressive E3 in it aimed towards that end, but it seems like E3 is currently as much as I can handle. Still, it's weird... But lately, despite having new a**holes torn into me, despite facing some harsh realities, and despite the fact that I'm likely ABOUT to hear even more harsh realities (I just emailed my online mentor about the latest thread on the other forum and that guy always keeps it real with me) I feel almost like I'm being fireforged, like steel beginning to take shape and harden. I might have lashed out in pain and anger, but I DO feel like I'm getting a thicker skin and taking rejection better and taking more responsibility for my situation. I'm not in as much pain over it right now. And I realize my friend SHOULDN'T have accepted my apologies or given me another chance, because I haven't really changed, which actually makes me feel less angry because I'm taking responsibility for it and it feels justified. I feel I'm getting closer to being able to let her go and take the L. Like I'm getting closer to being able to accept myself, despite my flaws and failures, and turn my life around into the life I want and become the man I want to become. I'm feeling optimistic in the face of it all, but I still feel like I might go on another downswing and I'm far from completely healed. I'll stick to E3 for now, but I do intend to go on UMS next so I can get up the money for (among other things) LTU5.
I really need money, and UMS has an aggressive E3 in it aimed towards that end, but it seems like E3 is currently as much as I can handle. Still, it's weird... But lately, despite having new a**holes torn into me, despite facing some harsh realities, and despite the fact that I'm likely ABOUT to hear even more harsh realities (I just emailed my online mentor about the latest thread on the other forum and that guy always keeps it real with me) I feel almost like I'm being fireforged, like steel beginning to take shape and harden. I might have lashed out in pain and anger, but I DO feel like I'm getting a thicker skin and taking rejection better and taking more responsibility for my situation. I'm not in as much pain over it right now. And I realize my friend SHOULDN'T have accepted my apologies or given me another chance, because I haven't really changed, which actually makes me feel less angry because I'm taking responsibility for it and it feels justified. I feel I'm getting closer to being able to let her go and take the L. Like I'm getting closer to being able to accept myself, despite my flaws and failures, and turn my life around into the life I want and become the man I want to become. I'm feeling optimistic in the face of it all, but I still feel like I might go on another downswing and I'm far from completely healed. I'll stick to E3 for now, but I do intend to go on UMS next so I can get up the money for (among other things) LTU5.