08-21-2019, 10:48 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-21-2019, 11:00 AM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Thanks. I don't feel like I'm doing great. I feel like I have incredibly deep issues and I don't feel like they're healing. I'm still not past my ex-friend. I still haven't forgiven her for leaving me out in the cold. I want to get back at her somehow, but even if I do give her a taste of what I've been through, I'll just be stuck in a cycle of punishment.
I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished...
And I wanna punish again, but I'm tired of BEING punished. And really I just wanna punish her for punishing me, because I poured my heart and soul out and gave her all my love and she threw my heart in the trash and slammed the door in my face and I am SO EXTREMELY hurt by that. I begged for forgiveness and was met with cold indifference. That's what tears me apart. I know I acted badly, but I begged for forgiveness so many times. BEGGED. and she coldly cast me aside and ignored me. She doesn't care that I'm repentant. She doesn't care that I've changed. She wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. And the universe doesn't care how terrible that is. She will NEVER have to experience what I went through. And the anger over that just burns me up and tears me apart. I want her to know what it's like. I want her to feel what it feels like to love somebody so much, mean so little to them and get coldly punished even after begging for forgiveness. I want her to know how it feels to be thrown in the trash by the one you love most. I want her to experience it, over and over and over again, until she'd NEVER do that to anyone again.
I don't feel like I'm doing great. I don't feel like I'm doing great at all.
And I'm in so much pain and I can't make it stop.
I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished, so I punish, so I'm punished...
And I wanna punish again, but I'm tired of BEING punished. And really I just wanna punish her for punishing me, because I poured my heart and soul out and gave her all my love and she threw my heart in the trash and slammed the door in my face and I am SO EXTREMELY hurt by that. I begged for forgiveness and was met with cold indifference. That's what tears me apart. I know I acted badly, but I begged for forgiveness so many times. BEGGED. and she coldly cast me aside and ignored me. She doesn't care that I'm repentant. She doesn't care that I've changed. She wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. And the universe doesn't care how terrible that is. She will NEVER have to experience what I went through. And the anger over that just burns me up and tears me apart. I want her to know what it's like. I want her to feel what it feels like to love somebody so much, mean so little to them and get coldly punished even after begging for forgiveness. I want her to know how it feels to be thrown in the trash by the one you love most. I want her to experience it, over and over and over again, until she'd NEVER do that to anyone again.
I don't feel like I'm doing great. I don't feel like I'm doing great at all.
And I'm in so much pain and I can't make it stop.