06-27-2019, 09:26 AM
I'm listening to relatives and my parents talk about pets. And I wish I had been closer and more loving with my past pets. Like I am with my cats now. I had an opportunity to make those animals so much happier than they probably were. But I was too self absorbed. I still am self absorbed. I look at what I want out of life, and I want a comfortable independent and creative life with a 10/10 GF. I don't care about making a difference or helping others. I just want to feel good about myself. I honestly believe part of our purpose here is making a choice to serve ourselves or others. And I want to be "good" and choose service to others, but I look at my desires and behaviour and focus... And if I'm being honest, it's all quite selfish. I'm always disappointed with myself. There's the self I think I should be and the self I actually am and those are just 2 different people. Like I said, I just want to feel good about myself. Because I don't like nor love myself. So I have this ideal version of myself and my life in my head that I think I need in order to like/love myself. And I'm so caught up in that, I miss opportunities to help others feel better. Because I don't think about others' happiness. I only think of my own or lack thereof. I dunno where I'm going with this. What's there to take away from this realization? To focus on others more? Or to accept myself as I am in order to make room in my experience for the happiness of others? Let's be honest: do I really want to focus on others' happiness? Do I really want to sacrifice my self centeredness to be more attentive to others? If not, then why does it sadden me that I never went far enpugh out of my way to make my past pets happier? And if so, then why don't I do it? If I do all these things I feel I should do to be worthy of love, will I finally love myself? Will I finally pay more attention to others' needs and happiness? Maybe I got things backwards. Maybe if I focus on others more, I'll like myself better. So then why don't I do it? Do I actually derive any satisfaction from it? Do I derive satisfaction from anything? What do I need to do first to get everything else in order? Do I need to love myself before I can truly love others? Or do I need to love others before I can truly love myself? What do I actually WANT? Do I actually want what I think I SHOULD want? I want to love myself and others, but I don't think I truly love either. So what's the way to reaching that point? Maybe everything I think I need to do before I can love myself is completely wrong. But then what's the answer? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. While I write this, I could be doing something with my family to try and make their lives better. Is there anything I could do to make their lives better? Would I actually derive satisfaxtion from it or just be doing it out of a sense of obligation? Fact is, I don't do too much of anything. Whatever I do, I need to be DOING more.