06-02-2019, 07:20 AM
Day 2: I played the 3 loops while I slept last night, but a piece of me feels like leaving the computer running while I sleep for only a few hours of sub usage isn't such a great thing to do to my computer. I'm wondering if there may be a better way? I'm thinking either a) listen to the subs on my phone with earbuds on, but that would require new earbuds since the ones I've got seem to muffle in one ear sometimes or b) play it on my laptop while I'm awake for 3 hours straight.
I'm not sure which one to do, if either. maybe running this while I sleep is still a good idea, I dunno.
Anyway, since it's only day 2, I can't really say I notice any difference. Time will tell. So far, I feel normal, as long as I don't think about the friendship breakup. I know I talk about it a lot, but that's because it REALLY hurts me and I wish I had done things so different from the moment I friended her to the day when she blocked me on all social media. I wish I had been a different person. I wish I could change and then reintroduce myself and rebuild those burned bridges and change her perception of me entirely. Fact is, I still have feelings for her and the fact is, I know I shouldn't measure my worth by what she thinks of me, but I do. Maybe when E3 is done with me, that won't be the case anymore and I'll be free of this painful habit of suffering I maintain. But a piece of me wonders how I will EVER be able to move on and stop caring what she thinks when I feel about her the way I do, miss her as much as I do, blame myself as much as I do and when I know she can't/won't forgive me and holds such a low opinion of me. It hurts to think she views me in such a negative light. I wonder if I'll ever be free from caring what she thinks of me or how she sees me? It seems so impossible right now. I know I shouldn't use her opinion as a measure for my self worth, or need external validation but it feels like I do. It feels like no amount of change I make to myself can change my worth, because it feels like I can never change the way she thinks of me. And there's a weird conflict going on with me where on one hand, I know what I need to do is stop needing external validation and just be alright with everything that's happened, but on the other hand is a piece of me that wants to use the "becoming" method (which I can't even do yet) to get her back and change her opinion. But if I were to stop needing external validation, I probably wouldn't feel the need to use the "becoming" method to get her back and on the other hand, I can't really feel like I've truly changed if I don't let go of what she thinks of me. So I have to let go of what she thinks of me, but a piece of me feels like I'd have to let go of ever getting her back to do that, which a piece of me doesn't wanna do, because I don't wanna give up on getting her back, because, well, I need her validation. I also just plain miss her.
Anyway, I'm hoping E3 will help me let go of all this, but wouldn't I need to be WILLING to let go for it to work? It doesn't seem I am. Why not? Because my sense of self worth is tied up with her sense of my worth. and I feel like if I let go, I'm giving up... on something I probably have no control over in the first place. But if I have no control over it and her perception of me is as low as it is, then it feels like I just inherently suck. I've got to figure out where the misunderstanding is and correct it, so I can be free of this thinking.
I'm not sure which one to do, if either. maybe running this while I sleep is still a good idea, I dunno.
Anyway, since it's only day 2, I can't really say I notice any difference. Time will tell. So far, I feel normal, as long as I don't think about the friendship breakup. I know I talk about it a lot, but that's because it REALLY hurts me and I wish I had done things so different from the moment I friended her to the day when she blocked me on all social media. I wish I had been a different person. I wish I could change and then reintroduce myself and rebuild those burned bridges and change her perception of me entirely. Fact is, I still have feelings for her and the fact is, I know I shouldn't measure my worth by what she thinks of me, but I do. Maybe when E3 is done with me, that won't be the case anymore and I'll be free of this painful habit of suffering I maintain. But a piece of me wonders how I will EVER be able to move on and stop caring what she thinks when I feel about her the way I do, miss her as much as I do, blame myself as much as I do and when I know she can't/won't forgive me and holds such a low opinion of me. It hurts to think she views me in such a negative light. I wonder if I'll ever be free from caring what she thinks of me or how she sees me? It seems so impossible right now. I know I shouldn't use her opinion as a measure for my self worth, or need external validation but it feels like I do. It feels like no amount of change I make to myself can change my worth, because it feels like I can never change the way she thinks of me. And there's a weird conflict going on with me where on one hand, I know what I need to do is stop needing external validation and just be alright with everything that's happened, but on the other hand is a piece of me that wants to use the "becoming" method (which I can't even do yet) to get her back and change her opinion. But if I were to stop needing external validation, I probably wouldn't feel the need to use the "becoming" method to get her back and on the other hand, I can't really feel like I've truly changed if I don't let go of what she thinks of me. So I have to let go of what she thinks of me, but a piece of me feels like I'd have to let go of ever getting her back to do that, which a piece of me doesn't wanna do, because I don't wanna give up on getting her back, because, well, I need her validation. I also just plain miss her.
Anyway, I'm hoping E3 will help me let go of all this, but wouldn't I need to be WILLING to let go for it to work? It doesn't seem I am. Why not? Because my sense of self worth is tied up with her sense of my worth. and I feel like if I let go, I'm giving up... on something I probably have no control over in the first place. But if I have no control over it and her perception of me is as low as it is, then it feels like I just inherently suck. I've got to figure out where the misunderstanding is and correct it, so I can be free of this thinking.