EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Seems like things came to a screeching halt as far as progress goes, which means I must be working through something. But I'm noticing these down periods aren't as horrible as they used to be and instead of beating myself up about them I treat myself with more kindness. I've realized I have a bad habit of motivating myself through guilt, shame, and fear which just makes me feel worse.

Despite that I'm feeling more stable. My car was acting up and I took it to the mechanic thinking it was just a simple timing belt problem. Turns out a wheel bearing was shot too. The whole thing cost me 552, which is a large chunk of my money and I'm still not working at the moment. In the past this would have freaked me out and I would have been worrying about not having enough money, but I kind of have this feeling that everything is going to work out. Lately it seems like opportunities have been finding me and keeping me afloat, no doubt due to EHPRA. So I'm not perfectly calm, but I'm also not a nervous wreck like I usually am.

But I'm still not at that point of freedom that I want. I know things are still holding me back. I'm trying to break out of the system here in the U.S. I have the awareness, I just don't have the courage and lack of fear to take advantage of it. More than ever I see how people are manipulated day to day through fear and lies and I just don't want to be part of it. There's a huge storm going on here and I'm just trying to find some shelter. I don't want to go off the grid and live like a nomad, I like this country, but I hate the people in power that are destroying it.

From what I read online (e.g. zerohedge) the US really does sound like its getting quite bad, but then the UK is not much better.

I'm always hitting resistance in my EPRHA run, proper roller coaster. Really surprised myself last week, and not in a good way!

Yeah, it all depends where you live in the US too. I'm in NY state and you need to make a decent amount of money here to maintain an ok standard of living. Everything is just so damn expensive.

Definitely. I honestly never can tell which way this sub is going to take me at times. Sometimes it's great, sometimes I feel like I've been thrown back into 2012 with all the issues that pop up.

---

Been kind of bummed these past few days. I can't get into a creative flow with my music. I think it's because I've still got money issues and I'm feeling suffocated. Even if I apply for jobs then do my music, I still can't relax because I don't feel safe. That's pretty much the bottom line. My survival is threatened and I'm not as able to tap into that high consciousness state where creativity flows from.

To be honest every time I listen to a famous artist I feel so envious. They can fully focus on their music, without worrying about the bills as much. It must feel so free being able to do that. I've also learned that my best work comes from me putting a little piece of myself in it, just being myself. But the nature of my anxiety makes that hard at times. I wish it wasn't the case, but my work is an extension of me like another limb. When somebody criticizes it or I show it to people, I feel it as a part of me. I've tried remaining objective about it, but it's hard to do and most of the time it just results in suppressing or trying not to feel a certain way. Which pours over into the creative process and then I censor myself too much and try to be something I'm not.

I do see a lot of potential in myself at times, but I have trouble tapping into it. I guess that's better than where I was a couple years ago thinking I was a complete waste of space. Through the years I never really nurtured my strengths, only emphasized my weaknesses which caused me to be very blind to any of my strengths.

I was originally intending to purchase EHPRA 2.0 but after getting slammed with that 552 car repair bill, I'm not sure if it would be wise for me to buy it. It's a bit of a gamble really. On one hand it could help me deal with the anxiety and solve my job problem. On the other hand I might be out money that could be used on food and bills. It seems like an amazing program, but so far even with the most powerful stuff change comes rather slow for me and with a lot of resistance.