Aventus's prelude to greatness (OGSF)

[Aventus45]

Inner conflicts:
-The thought of Interracial couples, specifically white male asian female, used to make me jealous and angry. I don't quite know why. Maybe because of my own lack of self esteem and confidence. I noticed this thought is changing for the better. I see it as now her preference and I should improve my own life to attract other people.

I used to feel the same about seeing some particular combinations of interracial couples myself. My automatic assumptions would be that she hates her own race and why wouldn't she date her own? But I came to realise it was a projection of my own insecurities and I was limited by lack. Over the years, I realised my assumptions weren't true, that people have their own preferences and there's nothing wrong with that. Nowadays, I personally date outside my race too. I focus on my own life and date whoever I want. Good on you for realising the same too.

Now I usually think the dude is a pretty cool guy or something. Projection is a tricky thing to catch. I used to hate a friend of mine because he was essentially a doormat in my eyes and I despised it. At that time, I secretly hated the nice guy and neediness part of me.
Speaking of neediness, As I read your reply, a realization came up that I had stuffed down deeper than anything else. When I broke up with the girl the reason dawned to me and I couldn't handle it. I buried it deep inside and now it slightly popped out. Not sure if it is the program or me but I suddenly thought of confronting it or at least acknowledge it

A few days after the break up, The red flags dawned to me and I was too busy trying to fill the neediness with a girl that was remotely interested in me. The neediness was so strong and it felt awesome because at the time I needed the affection. Now I feel like it's my fault but finger pointing is useless because it already happened and the lesson is to make sure every relationship is not coming from a place of neediness.
It should be two awesome people coming together. Therefore my The priority should be on improving myself instead.