01-14-2016, 10:48 AM
A spark of insight shot through my head this morning. I've always worried what other people think of me. And when you do that for a long time eventually you start losing who you are because your head has been filled up with a rule book for what not to do or what to do instead of natural expression of your true self. That's pretty much left me living up in my head constantly monitoring my own actions when interacting with people.
I guess this next part kind of links in to that. Despite constantly looking to improve my situation, the fear of exposing myself to the outside world is still strong. I keep reading about 6G and how strong it's going to be and it made me realize if it could really pull my life into a complete 180, it would scare the crap out of me. I don't know what it is, but for some reason deep down I feel like I'm not deserving or capable of being a successful person.
I mean for years I always said people make me anxious, but it's not the people. It's me, it's always been me. A deep internalized type of shame which I ironically pushed away and ignored out of shame. But I no longer see it as an identity, I just see it as another hurdle to overcome.
When I think about where I came from I realize that I didn't have minor problems. And now more than ever I realize that change does take time. Especially when you have a lot underneath the surface. Even more so when almost half of that is outside your conscious awareness. I tend to blame myself a lot for not pushing myself enough, but what I really need is to stop feeling guilty and ashamed for something that developed in my life that was mostly out of my control. All I can do now is continue to work on myself and keep my mind focused on what I want.
I guess this next part kind of links in to that. Despite constantly looking to improve my situation, the fear of exposing myself to the outside world is still strong. I keep reading about 6G and how strong it's going to be and it made me realize if it could really pull my life into a complete 180, it would scare the crap out of me. I don't know what it is, but for some reason deep down I feel like I'm not deserving or capable of being a successful person.
I mean for years I always said people make me anxious, but it's not the people. It's me, it's always been me. A deep internalized type of shame which I ironically pushed away and ignored out of shame. But I no longer see it as an identity, I just see it as another hurdle to overcome.
When I think about where I came from I realize that I didn't have minor problems. And now more than ever I realize that change does take time. Especially when you have a lot underneath the surface. Even more so when almost half of that is outside your conscious awareness. I tend to blame myself a lot for not pushing myself enough, but what I really need is to stop feeling guilty and ashamed for something that developed in my life that was mostly out of my control. All I can do now is continue to work on myself and keep my mind focused on what I want.
