12-17-2015, 05:49 PM
(12-17-2015, 03:18 PM)Natious Wrote:(12-17-2015, 12:34 PM)mat422 Wrote: Damn. That's all I gotta say. Things have been crazy rough these past few weeks. The ups and downs are hard to deal with. When I move past one issue and get this lighter feeling, I feel good and think it's all up from there. But it's like the further I dig, eventually I hit another issue and it starts all over again. The problem is I feel it coming on and I actively resist it. Because I've tasted the good feelings, I don't want to go back into all that negative stuff. But that's where the freedom lies, going through and processing all that stuff I try and avoid.
I keep waking up in the morning and having trouble getting out of bed. Everything has just become 10x more difficult for me. I'm working through some really heavy stuff and it's messing with my ability to be productive at all. Which adds to my anxiety. It's like being trapped in an awful cycle I can't break out of.
I've also been trying WAY WAY too hard to control my emotions, which never works. People have just been irritating me lately and I make the mistake of trying not to feel that. Like I was getting tailgated by this guy behind me the other day and in my head I called him an asshole, but then I immediately told myself I shouldn't think like that and I don't know his situation, etc. Which is all well and good if I didn't try to completely stuff down my angry emotion. I guess I'm still not comfortable with the actual feeling of anger and I need to learn to accept that more instead of trying to push it away under the assumption it makes me a bad person.
I'm nearing 6 and a half months on this sub and still get a very similar turbulence feeling. That includes the justifying of other people's behavior to calm down my emotions. Sometimes it just seems like OF is making me more and more insecure which makes no sense what so ever. There's probably more to it though.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know what the resistance can feel like on this sub and it doesn't seem to lessen the more you listen to it. If I was you I'd hop on OF 5g as soon as it comes out if you are planning to continue the road of fear destruction.
Actually I'm on EHPRA right now. I dropped OF after realizing fear wasn't the whole picture and I had a lot of self worth issues as well. My thread title isn't too accurate anymore. I'm looking forward to EHPRA 2.0. I really resonate with Shannon's spiderweb theory of the mind and I'm probably going to try to tackle things at once instead of just focusing on fear.
In any case, it seems like fear is the toughest one to crack. In a way fear keeps me safe, so when a sub directly effects that it's pretty much triggering my fight or flight survival response. Makes sense that it would cause the most amount of resistance, I'm essentially giving up my perceived safety.
