12-10-2015, 09:38 AM
(12-05-2015, 09:36 AM)essy Wrote:(12-05-2015, 08:16 AM)mat422 Wrote: I'm looking back at the past and I'm seeing how my attitude is kind of changing towards everything. I used to have crippling depression and social anxiety. I used to hang around forums looking for support or people that made it out and let me to tell you that's depressing as hell. 90% of the time everyone is still struggling and it sucks. But even back then something inside of me said that this wasn't how things had to be. So I've just been on a never ending quest to conquer all of this stuff.
Nowadays I still feel those things, but they don't have the pull they used to. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like outgrowing them almost. Which if you talked about in some of those mental health forums people would say you never get rid of social anxiety or depression. It's such a pervasive belief and I think the only reason it's stuck around is because conventional treatment methods suck.
My greatest fear is that this is it. This is my life. An endless uphill struggle with no resolution until the day I die. I've never once, not in my entire life, had a moment where I thought to myself that everything is great and working out like it should. And I don't know if that's a common thing among people and they just hide it really well. Everyday feels like I'm doing something wrong, which causes me to over analyze my life and all my actions and make me fearful of making a mistake.
But I am moving forward, that's for certain. It just has to be one step at a time because I still feel like there's a ton of stuff that needs work in my life.
Man I know EXACTLY how you feel and let me tell you it gets better, but only if you're active about change. I was in your shoes up until a year ago. Check out the entries from my first run of AM6 (p. 1-5). Self pity is a poisonous mindset, and then there's the anger at the way things are and the fact that you have to do anything at all just to be normal. But you're not normal. You're lucky. That which has made you identify as broken has also forced you to be deeply insightful. You have been pushed into an opportunity to consciously rebuild yourself. Do you know how special that is? Most people don't even scratch that surface because nothing significant enough happens to gives them reason to. Yet very people are dealt a winning hand. This is your chance to stack the deck.
Thanks. I'll take a look at the journals when I get a chance. I guess I never really considered it that way, but you're definitely right. Ignorance is bliss, but I'd rather live in a self actualized way even if that means going through a journey others don't take.
Been a bit since I last posted. I'm keeping this one short because I don't have much to say. But I've been rereading about mindfulness and being the watcher of your thoughts and emotions. It's helped me significantly. As the days go by and I passively watch my negative thoughts and feelings, it becomes easier to let them pass without latching on to them. I think the problem I had in the past with this sublminal is having it bring up emotions to be healed, but I dwelled on them and gave them more power over me.
So now I'll have waves of intense emotions hit me, followed by a calm, followed by more intense emotions. Despite all my time listening to subliminals, I feel like I've just barely scratched the surface. Part of that is because I've never had the strength to dig deeper or I wasn't ready. But I feel like I'm getting to some important stuff now because my urge to pull away is very strong. But I won't give into it like I have in the past.
