11-16-2015, 11:14 PM
Had a realization today that I'm constantly fighting my own nature and my self. Constantly comparing myself to others, feeling like a failure, and that I have so much to fix. Being myself is just about the hardest thing for me to do. On top of that I still hold the belief that people in general don't like me. But my biggest fear is being myself around people because if they reject me I tend to take it as a flaw in my character and that there is something wrong with me. So I'm slowly beginning to change my attitude from "what's wrong with me?" to "not everyone is going to like me and that's ok". I could probably go into a lengthy discussion about where this all comes from, but truthfully I don't know. All I know is I've always been kind of different and it's a bad habit of mine when my inner critic tells me I need to try harder to be someone I'm not.
Also I've been feeling really upset lately about the shallowness and unempathetic nature of some people in this world. I was thinking how we are all human, but we're mostly treated as disposable commodities. Part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like some people, not all, are incapable of distinguishing between someone as an individual vs their career, what they own, their social status, etc. I just hate it because if someone looked at my life from the outside they'd see someone who is unemployed and accuse me of being lazy or entitled or whatever. They wouldn't bother to ask why I'm unemployed, if maybe I'm struggling with something. I'm a complex individual, as are most people, but it seems like people really love shoving you into a box. And I admit, I am guilty of it too. But I do it as an automatic thing and then catch myself and restructure my thinking. But lately I'm seeing everyone as a unique individual. I think fear is what causes people to categorize and want systems and familiar patterns. It's a fear of not knowing and instead of being ok with the fact that we can't know everything, some people insist on enforcing their own rigid belief system.
But I feel like as the fear lifts I'm also more comfortable with allowing myself to feel all the things I hide away. The depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the perfectionism. I used to abuse myself for having these problems and thought it made me broken and weak. But the truth is the problems I face suck and that's it. They are just problems that need to be solved and I don't have to be ashamed of experiencing them. And having them doesn't make me any less of a person than anyone else. I believe most of these things are so hard to overcome because society is very unforgiving and there's still a huge stigma surrounding subjects like mental health. And that's a shame because when people are ashamed of their own problems they lash out or put down others who are willing to be more open.
Also I've been feeling really upset lately about the shallowness and unempathetic nature of some people in this world. I was thinking how we are all human, but we're mostly treated as disposable commodities. Part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like some people, not all, are incapable of distinguishing between someone as an individual vs their career, what they own, their social status, etc. I just hate it because if someone looked at my life from the outside they'd see someone who is unemployed and accuse me of being lazy or entitled or whatever. They wouldn't bother to ask why I'm unemployed, if maybe I'm struggling with something. I'm a complex individual, as are most people, but it seems like people really love shoving you into a box. And I admit, I am guilty of it too. But I do it as an automatic thing and then catch myself and restructure my thinking. But lately I'm seeing everyone as a unique individual. I think fear is what causes people to categorize and want systems and familiar patterns. It's a fear of not knowing and instead of being ok with the fact that we can't know everything, some people insist on enforcing their own rigid belief system.
But I feel like as the fear lifts I'm also more comfortable with allowing myself to feel all the things I hide away. The depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the perfectionism. I used to abuse myself for having these problems and thought it made me broken and weak. But the truth is the problems I face suck and that's it. They are just problems that need to be solved and I don't have to be ashamed of experiencing them. And having them doesn't make me any less of a person than anyone else. I believe most of these things are so hard to overcome because society is very unforgiving and there's still a huge stigma surrounding subjects like mental health. And that's a shame because when people are ashamed of their own problems they lash out or put down others who are willing to be more open.
