01-03-2015, 12:59 PM
Now this will be a bit tough to write because there's a lot of shame and guilt underlying there and if people are looking for inspirational stories then this won't be one of them (at least not for now).
It's the fear that I thought I'd already overcome, but I actually haven't and I guess I wanted to believe that it will be as easy as 1,2,3. I think it is about being afraid of other guys and that there might be some physical pain involved every time I don't accept being treated inferior or being controlled. Barely thinking of all the past experiences where I felt being treated badly or in a way of bullying brings up sweaty cold hands and this odd state where I feel like utter shit and look like a guy whose family had just died.
In all honesty I can't even visualize myself being confident and assertive, the kind of person who doesn't crumble in fear in any kind of confrontation. Neither can I visualize a future where I would be at ease living among people which is a bit demotivating to say the least. It's not just the fear of physical attacks, but not knowing how to live among people. I think not dealing with those issues has in some form made me begin hating the world and expect worst in people. This in my head has created an utterly bitter reality that I don't want to be a part of.
Now I'm stuck in that despair and I have no idea what to do about it. I can read all the material about facing fears, alpha male stuff and so on, but none of them make any sense and maybe even work against me since I really have no motivation to put myself out there to face all that.
I have over time started to feel a bit stupid in a sense that I've tried reading so many books, mostly self help and it has made sense, but never really clicked or done much for me.
After reading this post I'm not even sure what I'm getting at since it sounds like disorganised train of negative thoughts, but I guess if I want to be honest on my progress then that's where I'm currently at and it might some day give me an idea of what to make of all this.
It's the fear that I thought I'd already overcome, but I actually haven't and I guess I wanted to believe that it will be as easy as 1,2,3. I think it is about being afraid of other guys and that there might be some physical pain involved every time I don't accept being treated inferior or being controlled. Barely thinking of all the past experiences where I felt being treated badly or in a way of bullying brings up sweaty cold hands and this odd state where I feel like utter shit and look like a guy whose family had just died.
In all honesty I can't even visualize myself being confident and assertive, the kind of person who doesn't crumble in fear in any kind of confrontation. Neither can I visualize a future where I would be at ease living among people which is a bit demotivating to say the least. It's not just the fear of physical attacks, but not knowing how to live among people. I think not dealing with those issues has in some form made me begin hating the world and expect worst in people. This in my head has created an utterly bitter reality that I don't want to be a part of.
Now I'm stuck in that despair and I have no idea what to do about it. I can read all the material about facing fears, alpha male stuff and so on, but none of them make any sense and maybe even work against me since I really have no motivation to put myself out there to face all that.
I have over time started to feel a bit stupid in a sense that I've tried reading so many books, mostly self help and it has made sense, but never really clicked or done much for me.
After reading this post I'm not even sure what I'm getting at since it sounds like disorganised train of negative thoughts, but I guess if I want to be honest on my progress then that's where I'm currently at and it might some day give me an idea of what to make of all this.
INFP-T
"If you dont work on shedding your emotional and spiritual baggage and egoic nature, then you are still a dead weight in society.. offering nothing.." - Anonymous
"If you dont work on shedding your emotional and spiritual baggage and egoic nature, then you are still a dead weight in society.. offering nothing.." - Anonymous
