Natious's AM6 (finished)

[adam225]

I've run into a bit of an issue, I developed an ear infection so I can only use one earphone while I'm sleeping. Due to this, I am using more during the daytime when I don't need to use the earphones and can use my headphones instead. I'm curious if it's still effective with one earphone though.

You're better off using the ultrasonic track through speakers. You'll hear it regardless. Don't use just one earphone, ditch that idea altogether. You may want to stick an extra hour or two on to your listening time to compensate for switching to speakers.

How you getting otherwise ?

[Natious]

Speakers is not an options since I don't live alone, but I agree on not using just 1 earphone. So what I can do is run the track during most of my waking hours and try to reach 10h a day, then catch up when the infection is gone.

About the progress, I really don't want to journal much recently. Might be the fact that my days are quite dull and I really can't find the motivation to do much about it. I think there's some progress, but at the same time there's so much stuff that I don't know how to face. In other words, I still feel completely lost.

There are a few things that I have started reading more about recently which are alchemy and enlightenment. Both very, how shall I put it, much considered "fantasy subjects". But there's something that resonates with me so I will keep reading on them.

There's some guy channelling Bashar on youtube that seems to know a lot, so I am following his ideas and challenging them. I guess the last bit of my research would be in the "multiple personality disorder" section, especially the part that people can change psychologically, but also physiologically in a very vast speed. That has made me think that Shannon's subs can't really have reached their full potential quite just yet, but the new technology that he's been working on has gotten me quite curious.

[Natious]

Thought I'd write today.
Been an interesting period of my life these recent months, I have been more lost than ever and I've felt nothing but lost and alone for most of my life. But at the same time I am starting to find myself and see new ways to actually start living my life. It's too early to say exactly what it is that I'll be doing in the future or even by the new year, but depending how much I'll be putting into my self growth the returns are bound to be 2 fold, especially since I'm starting to find what I've been looking for a long time of my life, but never really found the whole of it.

I am feeling different about women than I did before, I think I was scared to be even remotely close to one, or to people in general including my family. Being bullied and depending on the toll it takes on you can really help you start some horrible beliefs about the world and people in it. Glad I have managed to shine some light on it. These things are changing now, I am still a bit uncomfortable staying close to people, but I won't do stupid things to push them away, I just place some boundaries and if they understand, it would be nothing but beneficial for both of us. In the past, I wouldn't set boundaries out in the open, but leave them in my mind and if someone were to overstep them, I'd hate them secretly and act in an unwelcome way.

I remember someone recommending (quite certain it was adam) that I pick up the things that made me feel alive in the past and by god were you right. There's a different understanding and that's probably why I can go and do them again. Why I was hesitant at first was because I didn't really know how to handle negative beliefs and those connections to events that brought up all the shit from the past, so I'd just shove them back inside or ignore them and I suppose I eventually lost track of my "destination" that I wanted to reach which resulted in me beating myself up for not being able to do the thing I was supposed to be doing temporarily as a learning experience in the first place. I also told everyone that I was setting huge goals for myself in that specific career, although what was really going on is that I was thinking about my true calling, but ignoring it at the same time.

My depression has almost disappeared in the past few days. There's a little sadness, but my sleep regimen is back to normal, I have started to lift some weights again.

There's one specific idea that keeps me enjoying life. It's that if you keep doing the things that most excite you every moment, everything will work out. And not only work out, you'll attract all the things that you want to yourself.

[Clansy]

Nice to hear that you are better and improving .

By the way maybe you can write stage and day that you are listening at the start of the post? It's way more easy to keep track of people diaries that way.

[Natious]

I actually don't know what day I'm on currently, since I missed a few days because of the ear infection I will add extra days to this stage. I've had to reduce my usage from the average of about 14h down to 10h per day. This all adds on top of that, so maybe I should just add 5 days, not sure yet.

On the side note, I had a noteworthy dream. For some reason I was back at the place where I was doing sales. There was a random guy that told me and a few to stand up, he looked like an important figure so I thought he was the owner. Then he took our chairs and gave to 2 girls he had taken with him. When he started talking I realized he was a student doing some research about sales etc and was explaining how he had a steady income job for 7 years. The moment I heard that, I figured that he was just stepping all over me and a few others so I took his chair from under him and gave to one of my colleagues. He had some stuff to say, but I kind of knew how to diffuse it in a calm and confident manner so I came off like the "honourable guy of justice".

I wouldn't have posted again this soon, but that dream was just amazing.

[Dee]

Been catching up on AM6 journals. Cool dream man. Last night I was sat with 50 cent he asked me what I thought of his music, I heard my voice saying to me tell him the truth, he’ll respect you and probably keep you around to get honest feedback, So I told him only his first LP was good, the rest were crap, you should have evolved by now having all that money and seen a different side of life. At that point he turned his back on me (disapproval), So am sat there his back turned to be, next thing he says f*uck off, and attempts to give me money for a boat. I say I have my own money, I’ll pay my own way, secs later the boat take to Africa and am struggling to survive, the wild life like jumagee or something. You have to love the crazy dreams.

[adam225]

Been catching up on AM6 journals. Cool dream man. Last night I was sat with 50 cent he asked me what I thought of his music, I heard my voice saying to me tell him the truth, he’ll respect you and probably keep you around to get honest feedback, So I told him only his first LP was good, the rest were crap, you should have evolved by now having all that money and seen a different side of life. At that point he turned his back on me (disapproval), So am sat there his back turned to be, next thing he says f*uck off, and attempts to give me money for a boat. I say I have my own money, I’ll pay my own way, secs later the boat take to Africa and am struggling to survive, the wild life like jumagee or something. You have to love the crazy dreams.

That is brilliant lol. Yes, you have to LOVE the dreams !

[Natious]

The fact that we pay so much more attention to the dreams while using the sub is great, noticing some nightmares, but then sometimes these confident Alpha dreams.

So I should be 32 days into the 4th stage, ear infection is still persisting so I'm using speakers during the day time. Kind of a downside is that since it's holidays I can't be near the speakers the whole day so I get only around 7-8h of exposure which is bad. Also I'm not sure the speakers are 20kHz since they make the crackling sound sometimes, oddly enough though if I pause and play that disappears and turning up the volume I can hear the ultrasonic ringing, so they should be able to play the track just fine.
Thinking of doing 40 days total so this stage wouldn't be much sub par to the 3rd stage quantity wise. Shannons input would be helpful here.

Decided to take a break from being sober and some great things have surfaced. I had my first drink yesterday and it wasn't like before, I no longer seem to have an emotional connection to alcohol as something that would help me. More specifically I didn't feel more social and more fun after having 5 glasses of whiskey (they weren't full of course).
On one side it's good, since that means alcohol has lost it's usefulness to me. But I got to admit the taste of a little whiskey was good.

Past few days I've felt quite strong in general with a few down moments. The general mood seems to be quite stable or if it does decide to go down I try to listen and act accordingly to why those feelings might be there, then it seems to subside. My base line for mood isn't very high, I'd say it's a bit towards the depressive side, but that should increase over time.
All of this new understanding of my feeling is good, but I can't figure out how to quite incorporate that into social life, especially if I would decide to go for temporary employment. In the past Id let people say what they wanted about me, now every time I do that I can actually feel how something has taken a bite out of me, not sure what to think of all this but to keep using the sub and trying to cope with my current situation, while not trying to put too much pressure on where I should go or where I've been.

I keep fighting this one paradoxical idea that keeps bringing its self back. It's about being in the present and having goals to achieve something big. On one side I have this "ego" feeling that I need to get to somewhere big, become this person who achieves something so big that it is seen as something admirable, that I'm actually reaching my full potential. On the other hand there's being present and following the enjoyable moments every instant, but there's a fear that I won't be able to achieve my full potential this way.
The problem with both is that, I can't aim for my goals if I don't get out of my rut, but I'm not sure I would be able to aim for something that high if I go with following my own enjoyment every moment.
For a long time I have started things but stopped after big blocks on the way and then convincing myself that it's actually boring anyway and isn't what I really want.
I started reading the "seduction bible" and in the beginning he said:

Perhaps your perception of women is tainted by lingering bitterness, shame, blame or pain.
Well, get in line.
If any of these apply, you probably won't enjoy the adventure ahead. Every step will seem like sandpapery torture as you find your rawest buttons pushed and your comfort zone repeatedly trampled. Maybe this isn’t the ideal time for you to go through this singular experience. And that's okay, too.
If you need to heal first, go heal first.

And that instantly made sense. It's not only in that specific section, but in life general. All kind of challenges have felt like that description. And they don't seem like something that makes me stronger but rather weaker and feed the fear of going out there.

This seems to be one of the big fears that keeps me stuck at the moment, that I just won't have what it takes to face those challenges. It has been like this in the past, how would it be any different now.

Going to let AM6 work on that and see how it turns out.

Edit: Self esteem and self value seem to be incredibly low. It has probably been this way for a long time, maybe I have just started to really see it for what it is and that's why it seems magnified.

[Natious]

Started stage 5 this morning. Not much to say about previous stages, but maybe rather that 2,3,4 have been quite tough. Latter being the toughest of them, my confidence took a big dip along with self esteem. There have been a few short periods of feeling quite good but overall it seems like there are thrice the amount of so so and absolute crap days.
On the positive side I've developed a bit of solid assertiveness, like it's a part of me and feels quite natural. Also I don't fear going with the unpopular opinion as much as I used to.

[Natious]

Now this will be a bit tough to write because there's a lot of shame and guilt underlying there and if people are looking for inspirational stories then this won't be one of them (at least not for now).

It's the fear that I thought I'd already overcome, but I actually haven't and I guess I wanted to believe that it will be as easy as 1,2,3. I think it is about being afraid of other guys and that there might be some physical pain involved every time I don't accept being treated inferior or being controlled. Barely thinking of all the past experiences where I felt being treated badly or in a way of bullying brings up sweaty cold hands and this odd state where I feel like utter shit and look like a guy whose family had just died.

In all honesty I can't even visualize myself being confident and assertive, the kind of person who doesn't crumble in fear in any kind of confrontation. Neither can I visualize a future where I would be at ease living among people which is a bit demotivating to say the least. It's not just the fear of physical attacks, but not knowing how to live among people. I think not dealing with those issues has in some form made me begin hating the world and expect worst in people. This in my head has created an utterly bitter reality that I don't want to be a part of.

Now I'm stuck in that despair and I have no idea what to do about it. I can read all the material about facing fears, alpha male stuff and so on, but none of them make any sense and maybe even work against me since I really have no motivation to put myself out there to face all that.

I have over time started to feel a bit stupid in a sense that I've tried reading so many books, mostly self help and it has made sense, but never really clicked or done much for me.

After reading this post I'm not even sure what I'm getting at since it sounds like disorganised train of negative thoughts, but I guess if I want to be honest on my progress then that's where I'm currently at and it might some day give me an idea of what to make of all this.

[Natious]

So I've had some time to go over those thoughts and it's obviously quite a bit of resistance. I'm still not quite sure how to tackle that specific pack of fears so I will leave it to AM for now and if I feel like it's necessary I'll run EPRHA or LTU once I'm finished with stage 6.

AM has been quite a ride so far and most of my posts have been written more in the "current state of mind", so whatever I was feeling on that particular day would determine the emotion of the posts. Some days I think that it would have helped running EPRHA for 6 months first as a more focused healing sub, but I can certainly feel this sub having a healing effect too, it just comes with a bit of artillery.

[Natious]

Stage 5 Day 10: Today feels quite good so I'm going to try and write a few things.

The first week on this stage was quite tiring since I've been using the sub at a 16h average listening time, but now I have gotten used to it. There have been a few realizations that have helped me figure out what sub I'll use next if not a rerun. One of them is that although I have worked on positive thinking and actually thinking I'm a positive thinker I have recently realized that it is rather the opposite. I would often talk as a positive thinker and might even come off as one, but my head is filled with negative thoughts. There has been some big conflict between how I think/feel and how I act in the past. My posts have come off quite negative recently and I would feel in conflict if I tried to sugar coat them, but I think I see what AM has been doing with that. It's not that I have become more negative, it's that the mask is coming off so some real progress can be made.

The other realisation is well, basically the same but how it has affected me accomplishing anything or following through. Over time I've kind of stopped even trying since there has always been something on the way. In short, the self sabotage thinking takes over as soon as things get a little uncomfortable.

Now I'm thinking of focusing more accurately on that specific area before rerunning AM again. My options so far are either Remove Negativity Within, Positive Thinking & Positive Attitude, Winner's Mindset, Ultra Success or a more general LTU.

[JackOfHearts]

I don't know why but I like your post. Much more positive maybe.
I'm wondering about the 16h average listening time. Hard to compare I guess because you never did 12h or 8h.
Do you feel the James Bond vibe from this stage?
Why Ephra and not something like WM2 or SM3?

[Natious]

I don't know why but I like your post. Much more positive maybe.
I'm wondering about the 16h average listening time. Hard to compare I guess because you never did 12h or 8h.
Do you feel the James Bond vibe from this stage?
Why Ephra and not something like WM2 or SM3?

Thanks man, I recently had an insight to what kind of person I'd want to be so that gives me a bit of aim and focus which I'm very grateful for. Basically seeing myself as a strong and healthy man, not putting too much effort into thoughts and more into actions, when I'm in a bad place seeing where I want to be and taking action after action with absolute conviction that I will end up there or in a better place, no self doubt.

Haven't really noticed a big difference between 12h or 16h days, maybe that after listening more than 12h straight I get a bit tired, but that can be overcome if I take a half hour break. I think that the big difference is where 16h tires you out more and the results might be more obvious later since the processing of it all would be done after I've finished AM, but that again is just a theory and I can comment on that after I'm done with the first run.

I haven't really noticed the James Bond thing kick in just yet, maybe it has, but I don't consider myself very good at observing myself recently. Regarding WM and SM, I don't quite think that I'm ready for those. I even feel like AM came too soon, on a base of rubble so it gets quite shaky at times. But it's coming together and I'm glad I got on this journey. There's still a lot of chaos going on inside, so the external things have to wait a little longer, after all the success in all areas comes from inside and at any age. Like the movie "Million dollar arm" where 2 Indian guys who had never played baseball were trained in 10 months and got signed with a major league.