09-22-2023, 06:11 PM
Day 203,
I'll be leaving Maverick behind soon. I think that my complaints about my situation culminate to this:
* My actual self, me, doesn't actually want the things that I have been chasing the last few years.
I believe that the "stripping away" that I've mentioned a couple of times throughout this experience removed a lot of the external validation.
This started happening back in July, and it hasn't gone away since.
I had told myself that if only I had X issue or Y issue addressed, then the runway would be cleared to make a move on the things I want.
Low energy? I adopted a brief morning routine that works. I naturally lost interest in video games. I rarely drink. I go to bed at the same time every day. I don't go out to party.
I'm in a business course, and they're telling me what to do this week or the next. That should be enough for me to move; and that used to be enough. But my mind is simply telling me 'no' to the action steps; it won't budge, but I can force it to make a certain amount of progress. But I know that this will only go so far.
Back in April, I got myself a 'baddie' (very attractive woman) and dated her for about a month. I was willing to put in a certain amount of effort to make it work, but she didn't really put much effort back but I got what I came for. Now, I really don't see the point of putting a similar amount of effort. I don't see the "price" of dating - and its ups and downs - to be worth it, in time, energy, hopes, and money. And so, on every level of the progression when dating - approach, conversation, flirting, texting, date, date at your place - my motivation to do any of these things is just zapped. No dating apps. No real libido.
I dropped my AI coding tutoring around July as well; just didn't care to see it through. I don't put any additional effort into my self-paced coding learning anymore, where I used to have a near-endless well of inspiration.
It might be that my actual polished self has certain beliefs and limitations about money, success, achievement, sex and dating that were self-limited, but the external pressures were enough to persuade me.
I know that this is not a good long-term strategy, and so I must change course.
I'm 80% leaning towards Money Magnet, and the 20% is towards OGSF. I have my reasons for both, but I would ultimately run OGSF to root out the obstacles to my overall success, and I'd be using MM to get outer success, which I hear would also root out the obstacles to my financial success. I will for sure do both, but it's the order that I'm deciding.
I'll be leaving Maverick behind soon. I think that my complaints about my situation culminate to this:
* My actual self, me, doesn't actually want the things that I have been chasing the last few years.
I believe that the "stripping away" that I've mentioned a couple of times throughout this experience removed a lot of the external validation.
This started happening back in July, and it hasn't gone away since.
I had told myself that if only I had X issue or Y issue addressed, then the runway would be cleared to make a move on the things I want.
Low energy? I adopted a brief morning routine that works. I naturally lost interest in video games. I rarely drink. I go to bed at the same time every day. I don't go out to party.
I'm in a business course, and they're telling me what to do this week or the next. That should be enough for me to move; and that used to be enough. But my mind is simply telling me 'no' to the action steps; it won't budge, but I can force it to make a certain amount of progress. But I know that this will only go so far.
Back in April, I got myself a 'baddie' (very attractive woman) and dated her for about a month. I was willing to put in a certain amount of effort to make it work, but she didn't really put much effort back but I got what I came for. Now, I really don't see the point of putting a similar amount of effort. I don't see the "price" of dating - and its ups and downs - to be worth it, in time, energy, hopes, and money. And so, on every level of the progression when dating - approach, conversation, flirting, texting, date, date at your place - my motivation to do any of these things is just zapped. No dating apps. No real libido.
I dropped my AI coding tutoring around July as well; just didn't care to see it through. I don't put any additional effort into my self-paced coding learning anymore, where I used to have a near-endless well of inspiration.
It might be that my actual polished self has certain beliefs and limitations about money, success, achievement, sex and dating that were self-limited, but the external pressures were enough to persuade me.
I know that this is not a good long-term strategy, and so I must change course.
I'm 80% leaning towards Money Magnet, and the 20% is towards OGSF. I have my reasons for both, but I would ultimately run OGSF to root out the obstacles to my overall success, and I'd be using MM to get outer success, which I hear would also root out the obstacles to my financial success. I will for sure do both, but it's the order that I'm deciding.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
