05-04-2021, 08:51 AM
Stage 7 Day 81 (1)
It never ceases to impress me how much faith my mother puts to me. It's humbling. Like I am put into shoes way beyond my size.
I was talking with her about these doubts and problems I have described here recently. It's clear how much more pressure I put into myself compared to what she expects. Whatever will happen, whatever I'll do she's sure I will do what's right and does not have expectations. I won't be able to find a job I'll enjoy? Fine, take a break, develop new skills and try again. I'm thinking about starting own business with no experience? Fine, you'll do well I'm sure.
If only I were this sure. I oscillate between two states now - I'm either panicking as I feel I'm running out of time or I'm relaxed because I still have lots of time and nice safety net below me. And the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I cannot find the golden mean. The worst thing is sometimes I feel there is so much to do it's truly anxiety inducing - why even bother when the task seems insurmountable. But then I calm down, I go and extinguish one fire after another as the task is not monolithic - it consists of dozens of smaller tasks and while as a whole it's way too heavy, each one in detail is just comfortable enough.
But still, somehow, I feel the weight of them all even then they rest peacefully on the ground.
It never ceases to impress me how much faith my mother puts to me. It's humbling. Like I am put into shoes way beyond my size.
I was talking with her about these doubts and problems I have described here recently. It's clear how much more pressure I put into myself compared to what she expects. Whatever will happen, whatever I'll do she's sure I will do what's right and does not have expectations. I won't be able to find a job I'll enjoy? Fine, take a break, develop new skills and try again. I'm thinking about starting own business with no experience? Fine, you'll do well I'm sure.
If only I were this sure. I oscillate between two states now - I'm either panicking as I feel I'm running out of time or I'm relaxed because I still have lots of time and nice safety net below me. And the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I cannot find the golden mean. The worst thing is sometimes I feel there is so much to do it's truly anxiety inducing - why even bother when the task seems insurmountable. But then I calm down, I go and extinguish one fire after another as the task is not monolithic - it consists of dozens of smaller tasks and while as a whole it's way too heavy, each one in detail is just comfortable enough.
But still, somehow, I feel the weight of them all even then they rest peacefully on the ground.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
