12-26-2020, 08:46 AM
Stage 5 Day 13 (3)
Christmas came and went. It wasn't as bad as I was worried it would be at my mom's but still. I was mostly coping by exercising a lot, now my muscles are sore but I am happy. I'm not sure how much longer I should linger at my mom's, I was vacation well into January so I can leave soon or after New Year. We'll see but I'd rather leave for the city and get back to my own work and personal projects. I feel quite restless here. On one hand it's a good thing as it gives me reset and a new perspective on my habits back in the city, on the other I feel useless.
I had quite a lot of time to think and so I come with new insights. I think I know that's different with this stage and it's quite interesting. For the longest time I've believed that I am stronger on my lonesome and it had been true so far but on this stage I started to realize that I cannot live like this forever. One day I'll have to open up to someone, have the courage to love again. I long for a "home", to have someone to come back to, not to give meaning to this crazy world but to help find it. The only question now is who could this be?
Recently I've found this girl on tinder, she seems perfect but she doesn't seem to be active much and not that much interested. Still she woke in me this search as to what I want, what I look for in my partner. I wish I was given change to get to know her better, this may or may not come to pass (maybe she was simply busy during Christmas period?) but it matters little in the big picture. What matters is that there are girls like her, ones that impress and inspire me. Pretty but modest, self-assured, knowing what they want and going after their dreams.
Funny thing is if I wanted to kill my loneliness I could do it here and now. There is this girl who invited me to New Years Eve party to sit in two. She's pretty and clever but she's one of those who's self-esteem is the function of the quality of their partner - and now that she's alone her confidence is non-existent. I could be with her, I could emotionally feed off her. But I don't want that. I was in relationship like this, I know it won't bring me happiness.
I'm fine with waiting. I don't want to, but there is much to be done yet and I trust things will fall into place. If anything I'm surprised these longings were awakened in me after such a long time.
Christmas came and went. It wasn't as bad as I was worried it would be at my mom's but still. I was mostly coping by exercising a lot, now my muscles are sore but I am happy. I'm not sure how much longer I should linger at my mom's, I was vacation well into January so I can leave soon or after New Year. We'll see but I'd rather leave for the city and get back to my own work and personal projects. I feel quite restless here. On one hand it's a good thing as it gives me reset and a new perspective on my habits back in the city, on the other I feel useless.
I had quite a lot of time to think and so I come with new insights. I think I know that's different with this stage and it's quite interesting. For the longest time I've believed that I am stronger on my lonesome and it had been true so far but on this stage I started to realize that I cannot live like this forever. One day I'll have to open up to someone, have the courage to love again. I long for a "home", to have someone to come back to, not to give meaning to this crazy world but to help find it. The only question now is who could this be?
Recently I've found this girl on tinder, she seems perfect but she doesn't seem to be active much and not that much interested. Still she woke in me this search as to what I want, what I look for in my partner. I wish I was given change to get to know her better, this may or may not come to pass (maybe she was simply busy during Christmas period?) but it matters little in the big picture. What matters is that there are girls like her, ones that impress and inspire me. Pretty but modest, self-assured, knowing what they want and going after their dreams.
Funny thing is if I wanted to kill my loneliness I could do it here and now. There is this girl who invited me to New Years Eve party to sit in two. She's pretty and clever but she's one of those who's self-esteem is the function of the quality of their partner - and now that she's alone her confidence is non-existent. I could be with her, I could emotionally feed off her. But I don't want that. I was in relationship like this, I know it won't bring me happiness.
I'm fine with waiting. I don't want to, but there is much to be done yet and I trust things will fall into place. If anything I'm surprised these longings were awakened in me after such a long time.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
