10-04-2020, 09:03 AM
OK, feeling better now I can write some more. Oh boy, I didn't have such a bad hangover in a long time. Nowadays I drink little and even when I do since starting LTU 6 my metabolism deals with this quickly. This time it didn't really work, when I woke up I though I wouldn't get up all day long. Obviously after some hydration and eating it went slowly back to normal and now physically I'm tired but fine.
The party was very nice, I haven't had so much fun in a larger (5+) group of people since metal concert I've been to last winter. I was confident, always had something interesting to say to people paid attention to me. There was not a moment when I felt left out or awkward, something that used to happen always while partying in the past year.
The problem is that after I woke up I felt so extremely anxious... I was reliving the party and tried to paint everything in this anxiety-inducing color. Also I started to compare my life and accomplishments with these of other people and felt bad. Like I'm not good enough, I should be doing more and I'm a failure. I went for a walk and the feeling was only reinforced. I think alcohol helped me consciously become aware of some of my own problems and fears and after I woke up it all came flooding.
And the truth is I don't know what I wanna do with myself and my life. I don't know what I wanna be doing and who I wanna be, not truly. And at this moment I believe that I have to let it go, live with today and see where my dice land but at the walk I was scared s**tless for my future. Everyone had a partner, I'm lonesome. Everyone's career goes forward, I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. Everyone has something to show, I am full of crap.
The only thing I can really do if this feeling doesn't go away is to use it to give me strength to work and self-improve. This year may be vital for my career and so I really should move my ass and start working hard for my success. I still have a couple of kg to burn, I have the best sub I've ever used to finish, lots of fun to be had and achievements to strive for. All of this depends on my choices and is my responsibility, no amount of fatalism will change that.
The party was very nice, I haven't had so much fun in a larger (5+) group of people since metal concert I've been to last winter. I was confident, always had something interesting to say to people paid attention to me. There was not a moment when I felt left out or awkward, something that used to happen always while partying in the past year.
The problem is that after I woke up I felt so extremely anxious... I was reliving the party and tried to paint everything in this anxiety-inducing color. Also I started to compare my life and accomplishments with these of other people and felt bad. Like I'm not good enough, I should be doing more and I'm a failure. I went for a walk and the feeling was only reinforced. I think alcohol helped me consciously become aware of some of my own problems and fears and after I woke up it all came flooding.
And the truth is I don't know what I wanna do with myself and my life. I don't know what I wanna be doing and who I wanna be, not truly. And at this moment I believe that I have to let it go, live with today and see where my dice land but at the walk I was scared s**tless for my future. Everyone had a partner, I'm lonesome. Everyone's career goes forward, I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. Everyone has something to show, I am full of crap.
The only thing I can really do if this feeling doesn't go away is to use it to give me strength to work and self-improve. This year may be vital for my career and so I really should move my ass and start working hard for my success. I still have a couple of kg to burn, I have the best sub I've ever used to finish, lots of fun to be had and achievements to strive for. All of this depends on my choices and is my responsibility, no amount of fatalism will change that.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
