09-29-2020, 03:02 PM
Screw it, I'm gonna write some more about the walk right away. Wanna share these thoughts while there are still fresh. I'm lying in my bed, writing on my trusty tablet right now - this is unorthodox for me but I wanna write this and I want the process to gently guide me to sleep.
How did I have the strength to go so far so fast? I mean I'm used to 15 km walks but more often than not I was guided by the end of them by the sheer will to get back home. Today I felt so much emotion and so many emotions that fuel was easy to find. There was anger but only a little. I mostly simply felt ecstatic, at least at first. I felt happy, morphine-like happy and free and with this feeling I can do anything. I haven't felt this euphoric in a long time, especially not in anticipation of things to happen and not because something happened. I think somewhere deep subconsciously I wanted this walk to happen, my only second such a walk this year and a worthy encore for this season.
When I found 4 4-leaf clover in like span of half a meter it felt even better. For context I found like 100 or so of them this year, sometimes multiple of them or 5- and 6-leaf ones, but 4 so close to each other is extremely rare, I think only once did I find place with more of them and that was during my mom's surgery this July I think. What I think I've never mentioned was that I'd use sometimes these clover-finding ability to ask for things. You know, like "oh God, if I did wrong prove it by smiting me with a lightning" sort of idea. I know what I asked for and I wonder what will come out of it. In the end I think it will come down to Shannon's recent message and me believing this can happen.
About that long lyrics of mine... It's about "Nobody Leaves" by Orden Ogan. The story is that 4 years ago or so I was living in a different place and had different walking paths and I started walking due to my ex and our f-uped relationship. "Nobody Leaves" is one of two songs (about the second one later) that remind me of my state of mind during these walks - not heart break or anything like that, just how it was to do long walks on these paths, going through things I did go through. In that song there are these lyrics: "This night I'm burning My love tonight Inside she's dying In cleansing light" and despite listening to this song probably hundreds of times only now I've heard them in a sense that I paid attention to them. Well, maybe these past 4 year my English comprehension improved or I was in a different frame of mind, I just find it amazing that things like that can happen.
My second song is Silverlane's "Last Day on Earth". This is an interesting song as you can read it as being committing suicide. I think at the end of that weird period in my life when this song was relevant I believed that and disliked it for it. Now though I was listening to it looking for this meaning and I found courage instead. I guess that's the beauty of poetry and music - everyone can interpret them as they will. Death of the author I think it's called. Anyhow back then I must have been cynical, interpreting song negatively and now doing so positively. Oh how things change.
In the second part of the walk, when I was past my normal distance, I've gotten tired and high on endorphins. That high is much different than the euphoric high I described before. Euphoric one is simply bliss, runner's high is giggly and not as free, feels more grounded and not as light but at the same time not as fragile. What's good about it is that in this state time flows fast - you're tired and hurting but damn, after 30 minutes it feels like only 5 went by. It's easier to suffer for 5 minutes than 30, especially as hurting seems to slow time down. Of course, good old hyperaware me, I knew what's going on and I was cautious not to get under a car or something like that. I think that some people might have though weird of me when I said a couple of words to myself. BTW thinking out loud is another runner's high symptom for me.
I feel like I'll be referencing this walk in the future, I need to bookmark it or something. It all felt like 5 hour long dream more than anything else but damn was it fun. I don't think it is easy to reproduce, it's just something I seem to need sometimes. But well, maybe I'll be trying it every now and again, maybe even develop a route like I did for 15 km.
How did I have the strength to go so far so fast? I mean I'm used to 15 km walks but more often than not I was guided by the end of them by the sheer will to get back home. Today I felt so much emotion and so many emotions that fuel was easy to find. There was anger but only a little. I mostly simply felt ecstatic, at least at first. I felt happy, morphine-like happy and free and with this feeling I can do anything. I haven't felt this euphoric in a long time, especially not in anticipation of things to happen and not because something happened. I think somewhere deep subconsciously I wanted this walk to happen, my only second such a walk this year and a worthy encore for this season.
When I found 4 4-leaf clover in like span of half a meter it felt even better. For context I found like 100 or so of them this year, sometimes multiple of them or 5- and 6-leaf ones, but 4 so close to each other is extremely rare, I think only once did I find place with more of them and that was during my mom's surgery this July I think. What I think I've never mentioned was that I'd use sometimes these clover-finding ability to ask for things. You know, like "oh God, if I did wrong prove it by smiting me with a lightning" sort of idea. I know what I asked for and I wonder what will come out of it. In the end I think it will come down to Shannon's recent message and me believing this can happen.
About that long lyrics of mine... It's about "Nobody Leaves" by Orden Ogan. The story is that 4 years ago or so I was living in a different place and had different walking paths and I started walking due to my ex and our f-uped relationship. "Nobody Leaves" is one of two songs (about the second one later) that remind me of my state of mind during these walks - not heart break or anything like that, just how it was to do long walks on these paths, going through things I did go through. In that song there are these lyrics: "This night I'm burning My love tonight Inside she's dying In cleansing light" and despite listening to this song probably hundreds of times only now I've heard them in a sense that I paid attention to them. Well, maybe these past 4 year my English comprehension improved or I was in a different frame of mind, I just find it amazing that things like that can happen.
My second song is Silverlane's "Last Day on Earth". This is an interesting song as you can read it as being committing suicide. I think at the end of that weird period in my life when this song was relevant I believed that and disliked it for it. Now though I was listening to it looking for this meaning and I found courage instead. I guess that's the beauty of poetry and music - everyone can interpret them as they will. Death of the author I think it's called. Anyhow back then I must have been cynical, interpreting song negatively and now doing so positively. Oh how things change.
In the second part of the walk, when I was past my normal distance, I've gotten tired and high on endorphins. That high is much different than the euphoric high I described before. Euphoric one is simply bliss, runner's high is giggly and not as free, feels more grounded and not as light but at the same time not as fragile. What's good about it is that in this state time flows fast - you're tired and hurting but damn, after 30 minutes it feels like only 5 went by. It's easier to suffer for 5 minutes than 30, especially as hurting seems to slow time down. Of course, good old hyperaware me, I knew what's going on and I was cautious not to get under a car or something like that. I think that some people might have though weird of me when I said a couple of words to myself. BTW thinking out loud is another runner's high symptom for me.
I feel like I'll be referencing this walk in the future, I need to bookmark it or something. It all felt like 5 hour long dream more than anything else but damn was it fun. I don't think it is easy to reproduce, it's just something I seem to need sometimes. But well, maybe I'll be trying it every now and again, maybe even develop a route like I did for 15 km.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
