09-04-2020, 03:49 PM
Stage 1 Day 24 (31)
I'm at my mom's and already regretting it. OK, maybe it's a little unfair but... I don't know, I just don't feel well here. On the other hand I want this kind of reset change of setting provides and I can afford to spend here anything between 2 and 9 days with full flexibility, being fed prime home foods and with ability to remote work without interruption when my mom goes to work herself. So while first impression is so so there are reasons to be optimistic.
Just remind me to play LTU on my work laptop instead of my gaming one tomorrow, OK?
On more serious note I have a thought I wanna share. I don't remember when I came across this, must have been during one of those periods when I'd research occult, the most recent one being in June. There was this idea how we are slaves to our parents as we are their offspring not only physically via DNA, but also through upbringing, humors, etc. Slave not in direct sense, but more in the same sense as we are slaves to out bodies. Here I find it more true than anywhere else.
But also find it kinda scary how my dad's death affected me. Still, after 1.5 years there is this aura of loss in here. But what I got was not mourning but will to fight. More than ever, more than when he was alive, I want him to be proud of me. This is why I was and still am on self-improvement (and LTU5 and now 6 aid me). It's like it's the last thing I have from him. He couldn't do this while he lived but now he's my greatest motivation. When I tell you that I love myself and when I fail there is this voice in my head saying it's fine and I will do better next time and it's about growth? I'm not sure if that's me or him sometimes.
I'll be honest. My dad was a great person and a great father, he provided me with everything I needed and more. But he made a lot of mistakes when raising me. The last months almost feel like me raising myself sometimes, me myself manning up as my dad couldn't do it because he was too soft or too scared. But there was not a person who had ever loved me more than him. And the thought that I could waste that love, that he could look down from wherever he is and say he's disappointed... That's crushing. And that's one of the reasons for my great successes in the past months.
It's just a shame I don't feel him in here. I feel vacuum left after him, but not him. That voice might be the only thing I have truly left. I shall cherish it.
I'm at my mom's and already regretting it. OK, maybe it's a little unfair but... I don't know, I just don't feel well here. On the other hand I want this kind of reset change of setting provides and I can afford to spend here anything between 2 and 9 days with full flexibility, being fed prime home foods and with ability to remote work without interruption when my mom goes to work herself. So while first impression is so so there are reasons to be optimistic.
Just remind me to play LTU on my work laptop instead of my gaming one tomorrow, OK?
On more serious note I have a thought I wanna share. I don't remember when I came across this, must have been during one of those periods when I'd research occult, the most recent one being in June. There was this idea how we are slaves to our parents as we are their offspring not only physically via DNA, but also through upbringing, humors, etc. Slave not in direct sense, but more in the same sense as we are slaves to out bodies. Here I find it more true than anywhere else.
But also find it kinda scary how my dad's death affected me. Still, after 1.5 years there is this aura of loss in here. But what I got was not mourning but will to fight. More than ever, more than when he was alive, I want him to be proud of me. This is why I was and still am on self-improvement (and LTU5 and now 6 aid me). It's like it's the last thing I have from him. He couldn't do this while he lived but now he's my greatest motivation. When I tell you that I love myself and when I fail there is this voice in my head saying it's fine and I will do better next time and it's about growth? I'm not sure if that's me or him sometimes.
I'll be honest. My dad was a great person and a great father, he provided me with everything I needed and more. But he made a lot of mistakes when raising me. The last months almost feel like me raising myself sometimes, me myself manning up as my dad couldn't do it because he was too soft or too scared. But there was not a person who had ever loved me more than him. And the thought that I could waste that love, that he could look down from wherever he is and say he's disappointed... That's crushing. And that's one of the reasons for my great successes in the past months.
It's just a shame I don't feel him in here. I feel vacuum left after him, but not him. That voice might be the only thing I have truly left. I shall cherish it.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
