08-23-2020, 03:32 PM
Stage 1 Day 12 (19)
I got to this moment where I want to turn the sub permanently and let go of it. I'm tired and feeling kinda lost.
I don't know, it just feels like these past few days that everything that can go wrong goes wrong and there is little I can do about it. Like so ancient pharaoh's curse was laid on me or something.
In moments like these what I long for, what my intuition tells me to do is to get my shit together and put my life in order. Quoting the great philosopher of our times "clean your room". Only it's not that simple. It's not a dragon to be slain or letter to be written. It's a process, it takes time and you don't know where to start and where it will end.
Thankfully I have trust in myself and the sub. My old methods, one I often forget about when I no longer need them, will help me. Also I feel like I'm lucky that more often than not I'm forgetting about the sub altogether - other than making a mark on which day I'm currently on I mostly let it go and run on ultrasonic. Sometimes I wonder if the sub runs truly well and that maybe I should switch to nightly hybrid version. I won't though, it works.
Just not as nicely as I'd have thought given quite a nice start.
Perhaps I demand too much from myself. But then this is what I want - I demand cause I wanna be a certain way and I want to become that version of myself. I said I'd slow down with my exercises - I lied, I keep on working hard as even with BMI 23 (down from 30!) I still feel like I'm too fat. I wanna work more even though I'm doing my share already as I want to be "an expert", I want to be someone respected in the field, someone other will look up to for their skill and knowledge and accomplishments. Ultimately I wanna be in a happy relationship and right now I feel like I'm not stable and emphatic enough to make this work as I envision.
When I'll wake up I'll be starting a new 4-day run. We'll see where it will lead me.
I got to this moment where I want to turn the sub permanently and let go of it. I'm tired and feeling kinda lost.
I don't know, it just feels like these past few days that everything that can go wrong goes wrong and there is little I can do about it. Like so ancient pharaoh's curse was laid on me or something.
In moments like these what I long for, what my intuition tells me to do is to get my shit together and put my life in order. Quoting the great philosopher of our times "clean your room". Only it's not that simple. It's not a dragon to be slain or letter to be written. It's a process, it takes time and you don't know where to start and where it will end.
Thankfully I have trust in myself and the sub. My old methods, one I often forget about when I no longer need them, will help me. Also I feel like I'm lucky that more often than not I'm forgetting about the sub altogether - other than making a mark on which day I'm currently on I mostly let it go and run on ultrasonic. Sometimes I wonder if the sub runs truly well and that maybe I should switch to nightly hybrid version. I won't though, it works.
Just not as nicely as I'd have thought given quite a nice start.
Perhaps I demand too much from myself. But then this is what I want - I demand cause I wanna be a certain way and I want to become that version of myself. I said I'd slow down with my exercises - I lied, I keep on working hard as even with BMI 23 (down from 30!) I still feel like I'm too fat. I wanna work more even though I'm doing my share already as I want to be "an expert", I want to be someone respected in the field, someone other will look up to for their skill and knowledge and accomplishments. Ultimately I wanna be in a happy relationship and right now I feel like I'm not stable and emphatic enough to make this work as I envision.
When I'll wake up I'll be starting a new 4-day run. We'll see where it will lead me.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
