EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Mom and dad have had some serious issues for years, so dad DEFINITELY holds a lot of resentment towards her. I can see your point about him feeling disrespected and not appreciated, but the way he's handling it isn't good at all, and how am I supposed to respond towards having my door kicked down? Grovel on my knees and apologize? I'm willing to show him more respect, but I'm not willing to cave into petty, vindictive, bullying or belligerent behaviour.  Still, maybe I should apologize for the BOGO coupon. But I will add that his behaviour about it was out of line. My dad has always had anger issues. There's not a single door in the house he hasn't wrecked. Hell, HIS OWN door has dents in it. I shouldn't have been a dick to him when he kicked my door down, but otherwise, I've handled this like an adult and he is being petty. You're not wrong that he probably feels unappreciated, but that doesn't give him license to act belligerent or bullying like he sometimes does. And my presence here is not a burden on them. I may not be as helpful as they want me to be, but my presence here is somewhat stabilizing and I do help out.  Now as for feeling disrespected, that's probably also true, but dad EASILY feels disrespected and has fucking ego issues to work on, because he's an easy man to slight. You know what I mean? I was disrespectful when he kicked my door down, but he KICKED MY DOOR DOWN,  and over a BOGO coupon at that. He was being very confrontational and disrespectful himself and his behavioour was that of a tyrant/bully. There's a fine line between respecting someone and letting them walk all over you and he expects me to cross it in those situations. He's not the only one deserving of an apology. Now as far as his resentment goes, I am reminded of an old Buddhist story. A man was bullying the Buddha and being combative and belligerent towards him for some reason and followed him around trying to pick a fight with him (Not unlike my father) The Buddha simply looked at him and asked: If someone gives you a present and you refuse it, to whom does it belong?" The man says "It belongs to the person who offered it" Then Buddha replies "So too does anger, resentment and negativity being offered up and rejected. You are free to hold onto that all you like, but you'll be the one left holding onto anger and bitterness, not me"  Or at least the story went something like that, but you catch my drift. If dad wants to hold onto bitterness and resentment, that's his business. There's a line between respect and unconditional submission, and I refuse to cross it. If dad feels slighted by that, oh fucking well.

Dad behaves tyrannically and disrespectfully, tries to bully family members, and then expects not just respectful, but SUBMISSIVE treatment in return. And when he doesn't get his way, he sulks and throws temper tantrums. 

I'll apologize over the BOGO coupon and for acting dickish when he kicked my door down, but I will also add that he's not the only one who was treated disrespectfully and he is not the only one who is owed an apology. If he doesn't give me the apology I deserve in return, so be it, I won't sulk like a child. But I will lose respect for him. Respect he thinks he is owed regardless of how he behaves or treats people. Letting me live in his house doesn't give him the right to bully me or treat me with disrespect. And if not taking that shit lying down and letting him bully me makes him feel unappreciated and disrespected, he can just fucking blow me for all I care, because his expectations in that regard are, like his behaviour, way out of line.