06-15-2019, 01:32 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2019, 01:44 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
So I've been on my computer all day since waking up. Not really doing anything, just mindlessly trying to keep myself in a distracted state. Distracted from what? I couldn't quite be sure, but I couldn't help but think to myself "I'm not dicking around on the computer because there's anything I really want to do, but rather because there's something I'm trying to AVOID" I couldn't quite tell what though. So I decided to run one loop of E3 (even though I'm not supposed to do that) to see what would happen. Now I'm in this state of anxiety. I can feel the fear coursing through me. It's not stopping me from sitting around and making myself useless, but it is there, and noticeable now. It's weird. Even after a moment of genuine levity I just shared with my mom, I'm still in this uneasy, anxious state. I think whatever E3's working on is something I've been going out of my way to consciously avoid all my life. And once E3 is done working on whatever it is, I just might start to live my life in a radically different way, I'm suspecting. Maybe that's wishful thinking and what I really need to do is stop waiting for some sort of big internal change to be made and just radically change the way I live right now...
But I still feel too petrified, if that makes any sense.
But I still feel too petrified, if that makes any sense.
