06-08-2019, 12:23 AM
Day 8:
I just had to admit to myself that my ex-friend never really valued my friendship. Not really. And even if I got her back using the becoming method, that wouldn't suddenly make her value me or my friendship as much as it deserves to be values. And that's really painful. I love her. I will always love her, whether she believes it or not, whether she cares or not, whether she understands or not, whether she returns the feeling or not, I love her and will always love her... but I deserve better in my life. I deserve people who WANT to be my friend and don't want to lose my friendship. I deserve people who put in the effort and value my friendship enough to work to show their appreciation for me like I do for them. I deserve friends who stick around when the hard times roll around rather than leave me with a cheap parting shot and tell somebody else to tell me to never speak to them again, because they're too chicken shit to confront me themselves. I love her, but I deserve so much better than how she treated me. And she deserved so much better than how I treated her, but the difference is, I admit that, I'm sorry and I'm willing to change. She's not. She doesn't see all the ways she treated me like I was an afterthought in the friendship. The truth is, my friendship was NEVER that important to her. She could always take it or leave it, and she chose to leave it, which is a damn shame because for all my flaws, I have a lot to offer. I wish I had seen that back before I ever even met her. I will always love her, and if I ever have a daughter, I'm at least naming her middle name after her, but the truth is, even if we became friends again, she was NEVER truly my friend. And maybe I was never a good friend to her either, but the difference is, I'm willing to admit that and put in the effort to change, which she doesn't believe or value. She on the other hand isn't, and that's not fair to me. Even if I use the becoming method and we become "friends" again, she'll just take my friendship for granted, again. I can't change the way she views me I don't think. So what I need to do is just accept that she was never truly my friend and probably never truly will be, or at least not in this lifetime. And that hurts. That hurts so bad But I'm done beating myself up over these things and I'm done needing her approval. From here on out, I only put in the effort for people who put in the effort for me. She never put in the effort as a friend, although I'm sure she'd disagree. Initiating the conversation and putting up with my patheticness isn't putting in the effort. She never once cared enough to go out of her way to make me feel appreciated, like I would do for her, and if she did, she stopped doing that and clearly doesn't think I'm worth it, so fuck it. I still love her, but I need to move on and this time, only make the effort for people who make the effort for me. From here on out, if a friend or GF or whoever treats me like someone they could take or leave, I'm treating them the same way, and focusing my attention on the people in my life who DO love me, who DO care about me, who DO care how I feel and what I think, who DO value me and my friendship, who DO value my love, who DO think I'm worth it, who DO think about me, who DO think I'm worth the effort, who DOrespect me, who DO love me back, who DO go out of their way to make me feel appreciated and who DON'T leave shitty little parting shots and then cut off all contact when things get rocky. I have got to move on and ONLY put my effort, energy and time into people who value and respect me enough to do the same.
I just had to admit to myself that my ex-friend never really valued my friendship. Not really. And even if I got her back using the becoming method, that wouldn't suddenly make her value me or my friendship as much as it deserves to be values. And that's really painful. I love her. I will always love her, whether she believes it or not, whether she cares or not, whether she understands or not, whether she returns the feeling or not, I love her and will always love her... but I deserve better in my life. I deserve people who WANT to be my friend and don't want to lose my friendship. I deserve people who put in the effort and value my friendship enough to work to show their appreciation for me like I do for them. I deserve friends who stick around when the hard times roll around rather than leave me with a cheap parting shot and tell somebody else to tell me to never speak to them again, because they're too chicken shit to confront me themselves. I love her, but I deserve so much better than how she treated me. And she deserved so much better than how I treated her, but the difference is, I admit that, I'm sorry and I'm willing to change. She's not. She doesn't see all the ways she treated me like I was an afterthought in the friendship. The truth is, my friendship was NEVER that important to her. She could always take it or leave it, and she chose to leave it, which is a damn shame because for all my flaws, I have a lot to offer. I wish I had seen that back before I ever even met her. I will always love her, and if I ever have a daughter, I'm at least naming her middle name after her, but the truth is, even if we became friends again, she was NEVER truly my friend. And maybe I was never a good friend to her either, but the difference is, I'm willing to admit that and put in the effort to change, which she doesn't believe or value. She on the other hand isn't, and that's not fair to me. Even if I use the becoming method and we become "friends" again, she'll just take my friendship for granted, again. I can't change the way she views me I don't think. So what I need to do is just accept that she was never truly my friend and probably never truly will be, or at least not in this lifetime. And that hurts. That hurts so bad But I'm done beating myself up over these things and I'm done needing her approval. From here on out, I only put in the effort for people who put in the effort for me. She never put in the effort as a friend, although I'm sure she'd disagree. Initiating the conversation and putting up with my patheticness isn't putting in the effort. She never once cared enough to go out of her way to make me feel appreciated, like I would do for her, and if she did, she stopped doing that and clearly doesn't think I'm worth it, so fuck it. I still love her, but I need to move on and this time, only make the effort for people who make the effort for me. From here on out, if a friend or GF or whoever treats me like someone they could take or leave, I'm treating them the same way, and focusing my attention on the people in my life who DO love me, who DO care about me, who DO care how I feel and what I think, who DO value me and my friendship, who DO value my love, who DO think I'm worth it, who DO think about me, who DO think I'm worth the effort, who DOrespect me, who DO love me back, who DO go out of their way to make me feel appreciated and who DON'T leave shitty little parting shots and then cut off all contact when things get rocky. I have got to move on and ONLY put my effort, energy and time into people who value and respect me enough to do the same.
