06-04-2019, 03:39 PM
I've been spending all day trying to get my job/career goals in order. I filled out a career exploration worksheet for my employment specialist to review with me. I'm having trouble activating Microsoft Word on my computer, so I can't really work on my resume. So instead I switched my focus to freelance writing. Took a good chunk of my day getting a website error sorted out and to be able to work on my account, but I got things sorted out, finished my account and now... I have no idea what to do. I've never done freelance writing before. I just know that I'm a good writer and this type of work should be right up my alley, but I'm afraid to send anybody proposals, because being so inexperienced, I have no idea what's over my head and what's not. So I'm afraid to move forward from there. I'm hoping I can get this freelance writing thing off the ground though so I can start making money and so that I always have freelance writing to fall back on in times where I need some source of money. So I'll talk to my employment specialist about it and I'll see what to do to find work on the website and get myself established as a freelance writer.
Meanwhile, thoughts about my ex-friend have re-emerged and... truth is, I still regret everything that happened, miss her and wish a lot of things had gone differently in so many ways, but... I feel more open to moving on. I still want to get my friend back, and I realize that if I used the becoming method, I could probably even get her to be with me romantically, but I realize that if I don't move on, I'll suffer. So I've got to get used to life without her and I've got to become the man I want to become and get that self esteem I never had. Part of that includes getting my financial situation in order, which is why I'm so focused on that right now, as it's what will establish my independence, give structure to my life and establish what I do every day. I feel like I don't have any structure, and I'm hoping that by getting these affairs in order, I can create structure to then build my other habits off of. There's so much I wanna do and so much I wish I'd done already. All these years just kind of killing time, and now I'm nearly 30 with only an associate's degree still living with my parents and still a virgin. And I still can't play guitar, my art skills haven't improved and I can't sing either. I haven't developed ANY creative talent over these years. And my friends are getting fewer and fewer. I feel like I've wasted my youth. And that's not a good feeling to have. On the other hand, you could say I took the necessary time to figure out just what it was I REALLY wanted to do and didn't get myself stuck in a job I don't like, but I stuck with a job I didn't like for 10-11 years, so... so much for that argument I guess. And I'm worried that by the time I finally get my Bachelor's I'll be in my 30's and they'll think I'm too old to hire for an ALT position in Japan. And I really want to teach English in Japan. It sounds like a cool experience. It feels like I'm getting my shit together and doing everything "too late" but I know it's probably not "too late" and it's better late than never. Still, there's so much I've got to change in my life, starting with the fears and the issues I have deeply held within. It feels like I'm doing everything late and doing it at a snail's pace. Like I'm doing at 29 what I should have been doing at 19. But hey, better late than never. Can't go back in time and relive my youth, so I might as well just make the most of what I have now.
I wish I could do it all over again. I'd even go through the shit that is being back in high school to get a do-over, but since there are no do-overs, I suppose I'll have to make the best out of what I have, which is really a lot if I think about it: I've got the support of my parents and I've got the help of an employment specialist. I'm an American. I speak English. I have an Associate's degree and good grades to transfer over to a good university, with good prospects in the horizon. I'm good at writing so I can possibly set myself up as a freelance writer. I'm somewhat good looking (not extraordinarily so, but above average) and I still look young, like I've barely aged since I left high school. I've got a good metabolism and can eat what I want still. I've got the advantage of these subliminals (especially E3) and once I learn how to use the becoming method, I'll have that at my disposal. I've got a lot going for me. I just need to focus on what I DO have and not focus on what I don't. That's a big mistake I spent my youth doing: focusing on what I didn't have, rather than capitalizing on what I did have. And in some cases, not even knowing/appreciating what I had.
Still, it kills me I'm only doing all this at 29, and that I ruined such a good friendship. I feel like I've done so much wrong, and only just now am I starting to get my shit together and do things right.
Still, I'm tired of beating myself up over things. I'm ready to heal and let myself finally become a self I'm proud of and want to show off to the world. After almost 2 years of suffering and obsessing, I might just finally be ready to TRULY let go of my ex-friend. I'd say it feels good, but the truth is, it just feels... I dunno, like... like I'm just saying "fuck it" and moving on. And I guess I'm slowly learning to let go of these expectations of what I feel I SHOULD be while holding onto ideas of what I want to do and to become. I've got a lot of hope for my future and yet it feels like I'm such a long way off from where I want to be.
I guess I'm just rambling, but since this is my journal, I feel like this is the place to do it. I don't know what I should expect. With everything I've got, I suppose I should just count my blessings and be grateful for everything I have. Maybe I should call my friends and schedule a time to hang out or something. Or maybe I should find a way to earn some money soon, so I could invite them out for a drink or something. I dunno. I should just take some time to appreciate what I've got and where I'm at. It'll probably do me some good.
Meanwhile, thoughts about my ex-friend have re-emerged and... truth is, I still regret everything that happened, miss her and wish a lot of things had gone differently in so many ways, but... I feel more open to moving on. I still want to get my friend back, and I realize that if I used the becoming method, I could probably even get her to be with me romantically, but I realize that if I don't move on, I'll suffer. So I've got to get used to life without her and I've got to become the man I want to become and get that self esteem I never had. Part of that includes getting my financial situation in order, which is why I'm so focused on that right now, as it's what will establish my independence, give structure to my life and establish what I do every day. I feel like I don't have any structure, and I'm hoping that by getting these affairs in order, I can create structure to then build my other habits off of. There's so much I wanna do and so much I wish I'd done already. All these years just kind of killing time, and now I'm nearly 30 with only an associate's degree still living with my parents and still a virgin. And I still can't play guitar, my art skills haven't improved and I can't sing either. I haven't developed ANY creative talent over these years. And my friends are getting fewer and fewer. I feel like I've wasted my youth. And that's not a good feeling to have. On the other hand, you could say I took the necessary time to figure out just what it was I REALLY wanted to do and didn't get myself stuck in a job I don't like, but I stuck with a job I didn't like for 10-11 years, so... so much for that argument I guess. And I'm worried that by the time I finally get my Bachelor's I'll be in my 30's and they'll think I'm too old to hire for an ALT position in Japan. And I really want to teach English in Japan. It sounds like a cool experience. It feels like I'm getting my shit together and doing everything "too late" but I know it's probably not "too late" and it's better late than never. Still, there's so much I've got to change in my life, starting with the fears and the issues I have deeply held within. It feels like I'm doing everything late and doing it at a snail's pace. Like I'm doing at 29 what I should have been doing at 19. But hey, better late than never. Can't go back in time and relive my youth, so I might as well just make the most of what I have now.
I wish I could do it all over again. I'd even go through the shit that is being back in high school to get a do-over, but since there are no do-overs, I suppose I'll have to make the best out of what I have, which is really a lot if I think about it: I've got the support of my parents and I've got the help of an employment specialist. I'm an American. I speak English. I have an Associate's degree and good grades to transfer over to a good university, with good prospects in the horizon. I'm good at writing so I can possibly set myself up as a freelance writer. I'm somewhat good looking (not extraordinarily so, but above average) and I still look young, like I've barely aged since I left high school. I've got a good metabolism and can eat what I want still. I've got the advantage of these subliminals (especially E3) and once I learn how to use the becoming method, I'll have that at my disposal. I've got a lot going for me. I just need to focus on what I DO have and not focus on what I don't. That's a big mistake I spent my youth doing: focusing on what I didn't have, rather than capitalizing on what I did have. And in some cases, not even knowing/appreciating what I had.
Still, it kills me I'm only doing all this at 29, and that I ruined such a good friendship. I feel like I've done so much wrong, and only just now am I starting to get my shit together and do things right.
Still, I'm tired of beating myself up over things. I'm ready to heal and let myself finally become a self I'm proud of and want to show off to the world. After almost 2 years of suffering and obsessing, I might just finally be ready to TRULY let go of my ex-friend. I'd say it feels good, but the truth is, it just feels... I dunno, like... like I'm just saying "fuck it" and moving on. And I guess I'm slowly learning to let go of these expectations of what I feel I SHOULD be while holding onto ideas of what I want to do and to become. I've got a lot of hope for my future and yet it feels like I'm such a long way off from where I want to be.
I guess I'm just rambling, but since this is my journal, I feel like this is the place to do it. I don't know what I should expect. With everything I've got, I suppose I should just count my blessings and be grateful for everything I have. Maybe I should call my friends and schedule a time to hang out or something. Or maybe I should find a way to earn some money soon, so I could invite them out for a drink or something. I dunno. I should just take some time to appreciate what I've got and where I'm at. It'll probably do me some good.
