01-17-2017, 08:54 AM
Been reading the posts today. Just sharing it, I think I'm not moving as fast as I "think" I see others moving. It hit me directly the first day. Been pissing me off around a childish coworker, even yesterday. (and I'm completely contradicting my opening statement now).....here goes.
Yesterday I was at work, normal day. I'd read something early that morning about trusting someone or something else besides myself that day, and it stuck with me. I also was leading a meeting that night, so the reading had application. I wasn't sure about myself looking at that night's meeting.
In short, I did ask for help. And within seconds of me doing so, I felt it. I felt grief. I'd not thought that good years back, but I realized I did need that. Going forward means letting go of some things. I thought of absent relationships, of abandonment and me abandoning others, about me pulling away from many, and I cried....in short bursts. I sat in the passenger seat of a large, noisy, moving vehicle, and I shook and cried for 10-15 second bursts, at least 10 times throughout the day. The driver never noticed.
I've had bursts of grief come through in recent years............but I felt more peaceful and accepting of it now. It'd usually come, and I'd allow it, even like it, but within 30 minutes I'd go stuff it down with caffeine, food,......just anything to hide from it. The idea of "losing control" would create fears which I built upon since my stuckness was predictable and I felt like I had some control.
I didn't "need" to do that yesterday.
And today, I am simply comparing the progress of yesterday with the lack of emotional showings today, but it's early morning. I'm at home still. And......sitting here, I detect grief. I pushed it down before writing, but sharing and thinking about it has revealed it. It's not a suffocating feeling. Just a real feeling in my gut. Something I've had for many, many, many years. It's been "normal", my stuck grief.
This is me, right now. I am changing.
If it's of consequence, I've also had some frequency music playing. It's titled "417Hz Release Subconscious Fear and Trapped Negative Energy - Dissolve Unwanted Patterns". No subliminals in it. Just music. I've been exploring frequency music lately, using it from time to time. I found this just last weekend.
Yesterday I was at work, normal day. I'd read something early that morning about trusting someone or something else besides myself that day, and it stuck with me. I also was leading a meeting that night, so the reading had application. I wasn't sure about myself looking at that night's meeting.
In short, I did ask for help. And within seconds of me doing so, I felt it. I felt grief. I'd not thought that good years back, but I realized I did need that. Going forward means letting go of some things. I thought of absent relationships, of abandonment and me abandoning others, about me pulling away from many, and I cried....in short bursts. I sat in the passenger seat of a large, noisy, moving vehicle, and I shook and cried for 10-15 second bursts, at least 10 times throughout the day. The driver never noticed.
I've had bursts of grief come through in recent years............but I felt more peaceful and accepting of it now. It'd usually come, and I'd allow it, even like it, but within 30 minutes I'd go stuff it down with caffeine, food,......just anything to hide from it. The idea of "losing control" would create fears which I built upon since my stuckness was predictable and I felt like I had some control.
I didn't "need" to do that yesterday.
And today, I am simply comparing the progress of yesterday with the lack of emotional showings today, but it's early morning. I'm at home still. And......sitting here, I detect grief. I pushed it down before writing, but sharing and thinking about it has revealed it. It's not a suffocating feeling. Just a real feeling in my gut. Something I've had for many, many, many years. It's been "normal", my stuck grief.
This is me, right now. I am changing.
If it's of consequence, I've also had some frequency music playing. It's titled "417Hz Release Subconscious Fear and Trapped Negative Energy - Dissolve Unwanted Patterns". No subliminals in it. Just music. I've been exploring frequency music lately, using it from time to time. I found this just last weekend.
I want to be FREE!
